I saw a story tonight on TV about a young girl who put a video on You Tube before she committed suicide....you might already know about the video as it hit news headlines just after it. It is incredibly moving and I break down every time I see it. I felt for her, she was screaming for help, had just been diagnosed with depression, but was suicidal. I struggled with being bullied at school enough - but I didn't grow up with the social media that today's teens do. There is no escape from it apart from locking themselves away from socialising with their friends online. Her parents had no idea she was suicidal as most parents don't and most peers don't. I was never suicidal, but when it comes to depression - you don't tend to broadcast to people that you are struggling - especially to loved ones, you don't want to burden them.
What disturbed me about this story (which was mainly based in USA) was the lack of care from the schools when it comes to dealing with bullying and in this case it seems nothing has changed. In one case - the victim was forced to apologise to a bully!!!! WTF??
When I was at school, you were told to go to the principal if you were having problems, unfortunately they either didn't do anything, or they did and it got worse. Usually nothing was done until I retaliated and then I would be punished for it. I had some of the nastiest rumors spread about me by people I had thought I could trust. Slanderous rumors that still came back to haunt me a few years ago when I met someone who's sister went to school with me.....she had this idea of what I was like at school, but it was based on the rumors. I think my mother knew bits of what was going on, but I never told her completely - because she had enough to deal with at home without knowing how much I was dealing with. So I shut up and put up with what was going on until I finally left school.
It has made me intolerant of petty high school drama, I cut people out of my life pretty quickly if they start going on with it. As far as I am concerned - I left it in high school, don't need it in my life. It terrifies me that my kids may have to go through it at school. I am doing my best to make them confident individuals, but they also have big hearts and are helpful kids and I don't want them to lose those qualities. I was an easy target at school, I was overweight and I wore glasses. It didn't matter that I was good at sports - the fact that I was very good academically meant it was another target.
The story tonight brought a lot of this back and if you are reading this and were one of the bullies when you went to school - what has it done for you in your life??? Can you do something to change the cycle?? Don't let your kids be a bully. I personally would be horrified if I found out my child was a bully. Sadly it has been found that bullies are generally children of people that were bullies themselves.....maybe it's because these people never felt the hurt that their vicitms did. I loved school for a lot of my schooling, I just hated the lunch breaks, where I would have to listen to the nastiness. Gee any wonder I had self esteem issues.
I don't think Bullying will never exist, but I would like to know that the education systems could give a damn and actually step in where they know there are problems. The cases of suicide by young people is disturbing and scary. I never contemplated suicide, but with social media these days there is no escape for these kids. I hope my kids never have to cope with what I had to at school, I hated it.
I do get some satisfaction out of it - whilst a few of those that bullied me at school are struggling to sort their lives out, I have a wonderful husband and nearly three fantastic kids and some very good friends that are worth their weight in gold.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Baby #3 update. Totally ecstatic.
Eeeek - bad blogger, bad blogger, bad blogger........can I use the 'too busy' excuse?
So I announced in the last blog post that we are expecting baby number three, I am so proud of myself we have had two ultrasounds and I have been strong enough not to find out the sex.
I am dealing with the usual diabetes stuff, but considering there are times where I think I am losing control of the sugar fluctuations - the blood tests and baby's size is proving I am doing remarkably well. For those not in the know - diabetes - gestation or not can affect baby's size, sugar fluctuations can cause (and usually does cause) the baby to bloat and usually sees large birth sizes eg. over 9pd. For this reason, all diabetics on insulin are induced or C-sectioned no later than 38wks, the period between 38 and 40wks often sees growth spurts and with an already large baby - you don't need that extra growth as it can cause more complications than not. I can't say that Hayley was so sick at birth due to me not being induced and more critically being left to go overdue whilst on insulin, but it is something that plagues my mind frequently. Charlie was born at 38wks and although smaller than Hayley he was still 3.65kgs at birth. The classic puffy face and abdomen are also classic traits with diabetes babies.
At my last clinic appointment I measured in at 30wks (the day before 26wks), a whole month ahead which had both me and the doctor a bit concerned. I was concerned as I thought I had controlled the sugars as much as possible so disappointment started to set in - you know? the feeling like a failure phase. Doctor requested an ultrasound to check on bub and also to check the fluid.
So right now I am 27wks +4days and I had my most recent ultrasound on Friday morning to find that baby is measuring spot on date....well 3 days out which is as close as you can get at this point in a normal pregnancy - but for a pregnancy with gestational diabetes especially in my case this is amazing - this had me crying happy tears - confirmation I was doing well, a feeling like I might not have a massive buddah baby after all and when you have natural deliveries - as close to natural size the better would be fantastic. With the older two kids at this point I measured minimum 2weeks ahead, so this is fantastic news - but what it does mean is that bub has an olympic pool to swim in. LOL. Plenty of fluid and as the guy doing the ultrasound had said "off the scale" too much fluid, but he checked on bubs organs to ensure that the fluid was just me producing too much and not something wrong with baby. Happy news all round here.
Baby is literally sucking a lot out of me - I right now have low iron, next to no immunity and therefore no energy. No immunity is not helping with the clearing of a bout of pneumonia I ended up with a month ago - spent 5 days in hospital, also had low potassium, so was pumped with potassium, Ventolin and antibiotics and I am still on antibiotics, if my doctor stopped them at the moment, I would end up back in hospital as the infection will just build. Hospital was a big shock to not just my head, but for the hubby and kids. No warning meant that it shook Charlie a bit more, he still has a bit of separation anxiety. When I was admitted, I seriously thought it was for a night - not 4nights. Again the hospital were fantastic and the nurses have given me strict instructions that they didn't want to see me again until bub was coming and I certainly hope that's the case. So after this stint I did have a few nerves about the ultrasound, but bub hasn't been affected at all - very resilient.
under 11wks and we will be welcoming this long awaited bundle into our lives, it's big sister and brother cannot wait, we cannot wait and neither can my close friends who have been close during this journey. I have a couple of amazing friends organising a baby shower - I cannot wait for that. I am so fortunate in my life to have amazing support from family and some amazingly supportive friends. They say you know who your true friends are when your life hits a bump = me landing in hospital showed me how great my friends are, I have friends who didn't care that my kids weren't 100% they would look after them to help support us. Love them all to bits and could never repay them for just being there, but they should know I am here for them too.
So I announced in the last blog post that we are expecting baby number three, I am so proud of myself we have had two ultrasounds and I have been strong enough not to find out the sex.
I am dealing with the usual diabetes stuff, but considering there are times where I think I am losing control of the sugar fluctuations - the blood tests and baby's size is proving I am doing remarkably well. For those not in the know - diabetes - gestation or not can affect baby's size, sugar fluctuations can cause (and usually does cause) the baby to bloat and usually sees large birth sizes eg. over 9pd. For this reason, all diabetics on insulin are induced or C-sectioned no later than 38wks, the period between 38 and 40wks often sees growth spurts and with an already large baby - you don't need that extra growth as it can cause more complications than not. I can't say that Hayley was so sick at birth due to me not being induced and more critically being left to go overdue whilst on insulin, but it is something that plagues my mind frequently. Charlie was born at 38wks and although smaller than Hayley he was still 3.65kgs at birth. The classic puffy face and abdomen are also classic traits with diabetes babies.
At my last clinic appointment I measured in at 30wks (the day before 26wks), a whole month ahead which had both me and the doctor a bit concerned. I was concerned as I thought I had controlled the sugars as much as possible so disappointment started to set in - you know? the feeling like a failure phase. Doctor requested an ultrasound to check on bub and also to check the fluid.
So right now I am 27wks +4days and I had my most recent ultrasound on Friday morning to find that baby is measuring spot on date....well 3 days out which is as close as you can get at this point in a normal pregnancy - but for a pregnancy with gestational diabetes especially in my case this is amazing - this had me crying happy tears - confirmation I was doing well, a feeling like I might not have a massive buddah baby after all and when you have natural deliveries - as close to natural size the better would be fantastic. With the older two kids at this point I measured minimum 2weeks ahead, so this is fantastic news - but what it does mean is that bub has an olympic pool to swim in. LOL. Plenty of fluid and as the guy doing the ultrasound had said "off the scale" too much fluid, but he checked on bubs organs to ensure that the fluid was just me producing too much and not something wrong with baby. Happy news all round here.
Baby is literally sucking a lot out of me - I right now have low iron, next to no immunity and therefore no energy. No immunity is not helping with the clearing of a bout of pneumonia I ended up with a month ago - spent 5 days in hospital, also had low potassium, so was pumped with potassium, Ventolin and antibiotics and I am still on antibiotics, if my doctor stopped them at the moment, I would end up back in hospital as the infection will just build. Hospital was a big shock to not just my head, but for the hubby and kids. No warning meant that it shook Charlie a bit more, he still has a bit of separation anxiety. When I was admitted, I seriously thought it was for a night - not 4nights. Again the hospital were fantastic and the nurses have given me strict instructions that they didn't want to see me again until bub was coming and I certainly hope that's the case. So after this stint I did have a few nerves about the ultrasound, but bub hasn't been affected at all - very resilient.
under 11wks and we will be welcoming this long awaited bundle into our lives, it's big sister and brother cannot wait, we cannot wait and neither can my close friends who have been close during this journey. I have a couple of amazing friends organising a baby shower - I cannot wait for that. I am so fortunate in my life to have amazing support from family and some amazingly supportive friends. They say you know who your true friends are when your life hits a bump = me landing in hospital showed me how great my friends are, I have friends who didn't care that my kids weren't 100% they would look after them to help support us. Love them all to bits and could never repay them for just being there, but they should know I am here for them too.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Do you really know what people are going through behind closed doors???
......Usually not.
So many people are very good at disguising what their life is really like and before I get to far into this post I must point out that I am not having a whinge in this post, but purely pointing out facts. Anyway as I was saying about people disguising - sure people complain (we all need to vent) about their lives and things that might be going great or on the downer, things that are going really bad....but usually it's a case of slight exaggeration for example if something great or good is happening we may hype it up to being fantastic, which I am guilty of as I try to look at the positives and if that means making something good into something fantastic then I do...but I don't mess with the facts in doing so, I just get excited over little things especially if we have had a run of bad luck. Then you have the people that make bad times the worst times (granted sometimes they are the worst of times, but could be worse really) or on the opposite end - they hide how bad the bad times are because they either don't wish to burden others with it or they simply find positives in the situation and see that the storm will clear eventually. I talk about my bad times, but I only usually describe how bad they are in this blog - to vent. We have had bad times, we haven't had worse than others or maybe any different to others in the grand scheme of things, but we have had times that have tried us and tried our relationship. Losing loved ones have been hard, not having money when we have really needed it have been bad, but we get through it and in the end for us I think it strengthens our relationship.
The last month has been testing, the last year has been testing and the last 6years have been testing in one form or another, but in 6years we have gotten married, had two wonderful kids and have another on the way, we have made some huge changes including packing everything up and moving away from our family that have only had positives come out of it.
So all of this came from somebody making a comment on Facebook about a comment I made, I don't know this person but it's funny how we judge or how this person judged - and I wonder if she spent week with me whether her view would change - or is she one of these people that has their head up their arse and doesn't ever want to see the view from the other side. I don't know her, I can't judge her, but the judgement was quickly made on others from her part.
As I said from the beginning this is not a "poor me" post, we are in the place we are today because of the decisions we made yesterday and the days before that. I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason and I most certainly wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for the experiences I have been through and I wouldn't have the great things in my life if I hadn't taken the direction I have.....so with all the negative there are far more positives in life and although a few extra dollars would help sometimes, I think we appreciate things more when we have to live without those dollars for a bit.
So what's a week like in my world?? The week starts with a day at home, tuesdays are spent taking our son to playgroup at the school so he can play with his friends and I can catch up on P&C bits and pieces if there are any and catching up with the mums usually followed by a hospital appointment which takes at least 2hours out of my day, Wednesday Charlie is at Kindy and usually it is my day to catch up on housework - washing, cleaning, working (yep I work from home), and setting up a budget for the following week - mainly doing up a shopping list to our tight budget and working out what bills can be paid this week and what can wait til next week, Thursday is errand day - I can go to town, put fuel in the car, get groceries done and anything else that NEEDS to be done whilst in town - this is if there is nothing I am helping with at the school, Friday is play date time or home day - I work from home so every day or night I am doing emails of some sort and it includes weekends, plus with our P&C being busy this year we have events a lot so also helping with that....on top of these I am 16wks pregnant and this is the first week I have had the energy to not fall asleep in the afternoon due to being so sick with morning sickness, then a cold and ear infection and just general pregnancy tiredness. My days are pretty packed and now that I look at this I know why I can't find the time to spend catching up with friends like I would like.
What is life like?? before I answer I must say I am actually happy - this same life a few years ago would have had a breakdown as this would have triggered major anxiety attacks for me and depression break downs. I am so incredibly strong now compared to then and I feel in control so I don't feel this could get to me. So what life is like - it's financially a struggle at the moment - you don't expect your hubby to lose his job when you thought everything was stable.....and to know it was a personal reason it cuts a bit more. We were just starting to make ends meet and catch up after the change to this job (on a commission job - when jobs change it takes a while to recover from it). So we have gone from potentially 2 weeks from being up to date and possibly be able to put money away to nothing and a husband out of work. EEK! So we have been going backwards and it will take a bit to catch up again - this means tiny grocery budget - which we can live with, but with the demands of a gestational diabetes diet where it can be tricky then yes it can be hard to get within that budget and still have the food I need for the week. I meal plan quite easily, so it's not hard to scrape through most of the time - it's the week (like this week) where I have to buy insulin which will cost about $60 which might hurt a bit...lol. We don't buy new clothes, I can't remember the last time I bought a new piece of clothing for myself - oh wait I do remember - it was a pair of jeans on clearance in December for $10 at Target - did I mention I have lost over 12kgs so I have needed to buy clothes, but have managed to pick up a few things from the op shops which are more than suitable and nobody knows or cares where my clothes are from - the kids stuff, I have bought new - $2 stand at clearance stands when I see them and if I have the money. I don't care anymore that I can't buy stuff all the time, I have gotten used to not being able to - I stay away from the shops so I don't have the desires and I have grown to become very anti -materialistic in so many ways - it is clutter. We have clothes that fit - I was most days so we have clothes to wear we don't need a ton of clothes. The kids are getting less toys - they simply prefer to play outside and don't play with what they have a lot, so we don't buy them much - we tend to buy them practical items like crafts, learning activities they like and stuff to take camping or to the beach. I have had to put more money into fuel due to extra trips to the hospital now...but the things we NEED to do get done, the stuff that we don't need gets pushed to the side. The tight financial situation means I make excuses not to go to places and miss out on things because we can't afford it and it can be embarrassing - but I know others are in the same position. I would love to be with family this weekend, but a trip to Brisbane is out of the question, so I will miss out on seeing my grandmother whom I haven't seen for nearly 2years...(ok so now I have tears). We make sacrifices, but we keep the roof over our head and we get three meals a day and clothes on our backs - a lot more than others out there.
The part that has me feeling guilty at times is when the kids miss out on stuff.....like going to the show - something I used to do every year as a kid and have a ball - this year we can't afford to and last year we couldn't due to me being sick - I feel that the roof over our heads comes first in rent needs to paid and fuel in the cars and some bills paid - there isn't much left at all and certainly not enough to take them to the show which guts me a bit. We do have a fair at the school in July where I hope to make it up to them a bit. When they were younger it wouldn't had bothered them - but when you have a 6year old that goes to school and friends talk about going to the show, obviously she is feeling like she is missing out. A bit over a month ago the circus came to town and she really wanted to go - but $125 a family was a huge cost for an outing and we didn't have the funds. On mothers day we went to a local park and they had rides for the kids- of course the kids pestered and wanted to go on, I didn't have cash on me and the sad part is, I couldn't have gone and withdrawn cash if I wanted to with fear of not knowing if we would make it through the week. This is my reality - you can judge all you like now you know where I live at this very moment, but if you knew why we were here you might not judge so much....but I can't go into that right now. The beauty is that we have a light at the end of our tunnel and it's almost close enough to touch. A big debt is about to be clear and will leave us with money in the bank at the end of the week and the ability to breath just a little and focus on getting ahead with everything else. I know there are so many people that are in the same boat as us - it is a reality, but there are many worse off than us...our kids are healthy, we are healthy, we have a bub on the way and we have a roof over our heads and food on the table every night - even if a few nights it is spaghetti and baked beans - who cares?? we are fed and it doesn't make me less of a person - I still have very good close friends and I still have ME and a strong relationship with my husband. I really can't ask for anything else. It is an inconvenience, but we will get through it.
This is why I get frustrated with people who cry poor and go and buy a car the following week, or buy their kids all brand new laptops then cry because they can't afford their mortgage payment for the week because they just spent $3000 on xmas presents.
So many people are very good at disguising what their life is really like and before I get to far into this post I must point out that I am not having a whinge in this post, but purely pointing out facts. Anyway as I was saying about people disguising - sure people complain (we all need to vent) about their lives and things that might be going great or on the downer, things that are going really bad....but usually it's a case of slight exaggeration for example if something great or good is happening we may hype it up to being fantastic, which I am guilty of as I try to look at the positives and if that means making something good into something fantastic then I do...but I don't mess with the facts in doing so, I just get excited over little things especially if we have had a run of bad luck. Then you have the people that make bad times the worst times (granted sometimes they are the worst of times, but could be worse really) or on the opposite end - they hide how bad the bad times are because they either don't wish to burden others with it or they simply find positives in the situation and see that the storm will clear eventually. I talk about my bad times, but I only usually describe how bad they are in this blog - to vent. We have had bad times, we haven't had worse than others or maybe any different to others in the grand scheme of things, but we have had times that have tried us and tried our relationship. Losing loved ones have been hard, not having money when we have really needed it have been bad, but we get through it and in the end for us I think it strengthens our relationship.
The last month has been testing, the last year has been testing and the last 6years have been testing in one form or another, but in 6years we have gotten married, had two wonderful kids and have another on the way, we have made some huge changes including packing everything up and moving away from our family that have only had positives come out of it.
So all of this came from somebody making a comment on Facebook about a comment I made, I don't know this person but it's funny how we judge or how this person judged - and I wonder if she spent week with me whether her view would change - or is she one of these people that has their head up their arse and doesn't ever want to see the view from the other side. I don't know her, I can't judge her, but the judgement was quickly made on others from her part.
As I said from the beginning this is not a "poor me" post, we are in the place we are today because of the decisions we made yesterday and the days before that. I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason and I most certainly wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for the experiences I have been through and I wouldn't have the great things in my life if I hadn't taken the direction I have.....so with all the negative there are far more positives in life and although a few extra dollars would help sometimes, I think we appreciate things more when we have to live without those dollars for a bit.
So what's a week like in my world?? The week starts with a day at home, tuesdays are spent taking our son to playgroup at the school so he can play with his friends and I can catch up on P&C bits and pieces if there are any and catching up with the mums usually followed by a hospital appointment which takes at least 2hours out of my day, Wednesday Charlie is at Kindy and usually it is my day to catch up on housework - washing, cleaning, working (yep I work from home), and setting up a budget for the following week - mainly doing up a shopping list to our tight budget and working out what bills can be paid this week and what can wait til next week, Thursday is errand day - I can go to town, put fuel in the car, get groceries done and anything else that NEEDS to be done whilst in town - this is if there is nothing I am helping with at the school, Friday is play date time or home day - I work from home so every day or night I am doing emails of some sort and it includes weekends, plus with our P&C being busy this year we have events a lot so also helping with that....on top of these I am 16wks pregnant and this is the first week I have had the energy to not fall asleep in the afternoon due to being so sick with morning sickness, then a cold and ear infection and just general pregnancy tiredness. My days are pretty packed and now that I look at this I know why I can't find the time to spend catching up with friends like I would like.
What is life like?? before I answer I must say I am actually happy - this same life a few years ago would have had a breakdown as this would have triggered major anxiety attacks for me and depression break downs. I am so incredibly strong now compared to then and I feel in control so I don't feel this could get to me. So what life is like - it's financially a struggle at the moment - you don't expect your hubby to lose his job when you thought everything was stable.....and to know it was a personal reason it cuts a bit more. We were just starting to make ends meet and catch up after the change to this job (on a commission job - when jobs change it takes a while to recover from it). So we have gone from potentially 2 weeks from being up to date and possibly be able to put money away to nothing and a husband out of work. EEK! So we have been going backwards and it will take a bit to catch up again - this means tiny grocery budget - which we can live with, but with the demands of a gestational diabetes diet where it can be tricky then yes it can be hard to get within that budget and still have the food I need for the week. I meal plan quite easily, so it's not hard to scrape through most of the time - it's the week (like this week) where I have to buy insulin which will cost about $60 which might hurt a bit...lol. We don't buy new clothes, I can't remember the last time I bought a new piece of clothing for myself - oh wait I do remember - it was a pair of jeans on clearance in December for $10 at Target - did I mention I have lost over 12kgs so I have needed to buy clothes, but have managed to pick up a few things from the op shops which are more than suitable and nobody knows or cares where my clothes are from - the kids stuff, I have bought new - $2 stand at clearance stands when I see them and if I have the money. I don't care anymore that I can't buy stuff all the time, I have gotten used to not being able to - I stay away from the shops so I don't have the desires and I have grown to become very anti -materialistic in so many ways - it is clutter. We have clothes that fit - I was most days so we have clothes to wear we don't need a ton of clothes. The kids are getting less toys - they simply prefer to play outside and don't play with what they have a lot, so we don't buy them much - we tend to buy them practical items like crafts, learning activities they like and stuff to take camping or to the beach. I have had to put more money into fuel due to extra trips to the hospital now...but the things we NEED to do get done, the stuff that we don't need gets pushed to the side. The tight financial situation means I make excuses not to go to places and miss out on things because we can't afford it and it can be embarrassing - but I know others are in the same position. I would love to be with family this weekend, but a trip to Brisbane is out of the question, so I will miss out on seeing my grandmother whom I haven't seen for nearly 2years...(ok so now I have tears). We make sacrifices, but we keep the roof over our head and we get three meals a day and clothes on our backs - a lot more than others out there.
The part that has me feeling guilty at times is when the kids miss out on stuff.....like going to the show - something I used to do every year as a kid and have a ball - this year we can't afford to and last year we couldn't due to me being sick - I feel that the roof over our heads comes first in rent needs to paid and fuel in the cars and some bills paid - there isn't much left at all and certainly not enough to take them to the show which guts me a bit. We do have a fair at the school in July where I hope to make it up to them a bit. When they were younger it wouldn't had bothered them - but when you have a 6year old that goes to school and friends talk about going to the show, obviously she is feeling like she is missing out. A bit over a month ago the circus came to town and she really wanted to go - but $125 a family was a huge cost for an outing and we didn't have the funds. On mothers day we went to a local park and they had rides for the kids- of course the kids pestered and wanted to go on, I didn't have cash on me and the sad part is, I couldn't have gone and withdrawn cash if I wanted to with fear of not knowing if we would make it through the week. This is my reality - you can judge all you like now you know where I live at this very moment, but if you knew why we were here you might not judge so much....but I can't go into that right now. The beauty is that we have a light at the end of our tunnel and it's almost close enough to touch. A big debt is about to be clear and will leave us with money in the bank at the end of the week and the ability to breath just a little and focus on getting ahead with everything else. I know there are so many people that are in the same boat as us - it is a reality, but there are many worse off than us...our kids are healthy, we are healthy, we have a bub on the way and we have a roof over our heads and food on the table every night - even if a few nights it is spaghetti and baked beans - who cares?? we are fed and it doesn't make me less of a person - I still have very good close friends and I still have ME and a strong relationship with my husband. I really can't ask for anything else. It is an inconvenience, but we will get through it.
This is why I get frustrated with people who cry poor and go and buy a car the following week, or buy their kids all brand new laptops then cry because they can't afford their mortgage payment for the week because they just spent $3000 on xmas presents.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
It's official - Baby number 3 is a reality.
Very very excited household here as we countdown to the arrival of our newest addition. At this point bub will be born around October 24th - but is due November 7th. 38week induction thanks to the early arrival of Gestational diabetes again - although it is throwing up some theories for the Endocrinologist that has a file for me at Royal Brisbane Women's Hospital......that's a whole other story....so back to the baby.
It is going to be very different this time round - we kept it quiet for a while due to the fact that we needed to know it was going to stick first....now that's a certainty as I am at 15weeks!!!
We are not finding out the sex....well at the moment its a "we" are not finding out, but I am the weakest link and have good sight for ultrasounds so I may well find out, but I am under strict orders not to tell Matt if I see anything.....therefore nobody else will know if I find out by accident lol. We won't be announcing a name until birth either - which a lot of people do, but I mean nobody knows out names - not even my mum, who I would ordinarily share it with. My mother was not impressed when she found out that piece of news lol.....but fairly sure she should be over it by now. The other difference which is the most obvious difference is that we are doing this without family close - my mum will be here when bub is born and is taking holidays to stay, but that's it....and I am dealing with a regional hospital - which brings me to my next paragraph and my rant against the Bundaberg Base Hospital HATERS!!!
OK so while I think people are justified to have an opinion (sometimes....I do think some people just have an opinion to piss others off and maybe I am one of those people lol) I think the BBH (Bundaberg Base Hospital) haters need to take a hike. I cannot say a bad word about the hospital and I have had experience with about 4 different hospitals - three of them in the city and BBH is well and truly above them in regards to treatment. If you go through my posts in the last 18mths you will see that I have had my fair share of appointments through the hospital for myself and my kids. I am currently classified as having a high risk pregnancy for a couple of reasons - reason one- early onset of gestational diabetes which has seen me on insulin very early - reason two- I have a history of early miscarriage. I have been under exclusive hospital care since week 7 of the pregnancy, I have been to the hospital every week for check ups (mainly for diabetes) and yes it means that I am going to have a long pregnancy with all these appointments, but nobody can fault them on it. I don't intend on staying in hospital for long - if everything is fine - one night and I will be out, cannot be out same day due to monitoring of bub for low sugars, but I won't be in there longer than I need to be, I just don't see the point in it.....the only thing that scares the crap out of me is that I have heard that you are left to labour on ward until you are about 8cms dialated - I don't like this purely because I will feel the lack of privacy being two-bed rooms and all...so fingers crossed there isn't anyone in the bed next to me when I am going through it as I won't go into labour at home so it will be a longish process unless I have a similar round as last time.
General concerns that have come up with being pregnant again apart from the obvious medical ones with me.....it has hit me that it will be 4 1/2 yrs since I have had a newborn - and lets face it that is an eternity - I kind of feel like I am having my first bub again, I vaguely remember how to bath a newborn, I have gotten used to getting a full nights sleep (god help me on this one), we are starting from the start with baby furniture again - so it's remembering what we need?? versus what we want - we don't need as much as we had with the older kids. What can you feed them when they start solids? and more importantly what NOT to feed them lol....I know I remember what my kids ate - but it tends to change every 3mths as to what's good and what isn't.
Hayley and Charlie cannot wait for their baby to arrive - it has taken some convincing for Charlie to finally realise this is not just my baby, but it's his baby too. Now he comes up to me all the time and says "mummy can I cuddle my baby" this is so incredibly cute it nearly brings tears to my eyes. Every night now he comes up and kisses my belly and says "I am kissing my baby good night mum", he has become obsessed with babies from the moment we told them we are having the bub. Hayley on the other hand is quiet about it, she will ask questions every so often and was concerned with how sick I was to begin with, but otherwise all that she has really said is " I hope it's a girl", I am sure once we can feel the kicks outside of my stomach she will be more involved and I just know she wants to help with bub. Charlie will be a little mummy I can see it now - he is so maternal. It is making me more aware of how grown up they both are, I just want to bundle them up so they never grow up and have to deal with the adult world.
It is going to be very different this time round - we kept it quiet for a while due to the fact that we needed to know it was going to stick first....now that's a certainty as I am at 15weeks!!!
We are not finding out the sex....well at the moment its a "we" are not finding out, but I am the weakest link and have good sight for ultrasounds so I may well find out, but I am under strict orders not to tell Matt if I see anything.....therefore nobody else will know if I find out by accident lol. We won't be announcing a name until birth either - which a lot of people do, but I mean nobody knows out names - not even my mum, who I would ordinarily share it with. My mother was not impressed when she found out that piece of news lol.....but fairly sure she should be over it by now. The other difference which is the most obvious difference is that we are doing this without family close - my mum will be here when bub is born and is taking holidays to stay, but that's it....and I am dealing with a regional hospital - which brings me to my next paragraph and my rant against the Bundaberg Base Hospital HATERS!!!
OK so while I think people are justified to have an opinion (sometimes....I do think some people just have an opinion to piss others off and maybe I am one of those people lol) I think the BBH (Bundaberg Base Hospital) haters need to take a hike. I cannot say a bad word about the hospital and I have had experience with about 4 different hospitals - three of them in the city and BBH is well and truly above them in regards to treatment. If you go through my posts in the last 18mths you will see that I have had my fair share of appointments through the hospital for myself and my kids. I am currently classified as having a high risk pregnancy for a couple of reasons - reason one- early onset of gestational diabetes which has seen me on insulin very early - reason two- I have a history of early miscarriage. I have been under exclusive hospital care since week 7 of the pregnancy, I have been to the hospital every week for check ups (mainly for diabetes) and yes it means that I am going to have a long pregnancy with all these appointments, but nobody can fault them on it. I don't intend on staying in hospital for long - if everything is fine - one night and I will be out, cannot be out same day due to monitoring of bub for low sugars, but I won't be in there longer than I need to be, I just don't see the point in it.....the only thing that scares the crap out of me is that I have heard that you are left to labour on ward until you are about 8cms dialated - I don't like this purely because I will feel the lack of privacy being two-bed rooms and all...so fingers crossed there isn't anyone in the bed next to me when I am going through it as I won't go into labour at home so it will be a longish process unless I have a similar round as last time.
General concerns that have come up with being pregnant again apart from the obvious medical ones with me.....it has hit me that it will be 4 1/2 yrs since I have had a newborn - and lets face it that is an eternity - I kind of feel like I am having my first bub again, I vaguely remember how to bath a newborn, I have gotten used to getting a full nights sleep (god help me on this one), we are starting from the start with baby furniture again - so it's remembering what we need?? versus what we want - we don't need as much as we had with the older kids. What can you feed them when they start solids? and more importantly what NOT to feed them lol....I know I remember what my kids ate - but it tends to change every 3mths as to what's good and what isn't.
Hayley and Charlie cannot wait for their baby to arrive - it has taken some convincing for Charlie to finally realise this is not just my baby, but it's his baby too. Now he comes up to me all the time and says "mummy can I cuddle my baby" this is so incredibly cute it nearly brings tears to my eyes. Every night now he comes up and kisses my belly and says "I am kissing my baby good night mum", he has become obsessed with babies from the moment we told them we are having the bub. Hayley on the other hand is quiet about it, she will ask questions every so often and was concerned with how sick I was to begin with, but otherwise all that she has really said is " I hope it's a girl", I am sure once we can feel the kicks outside of my stomach she will be more involved and I just know she wants to help with bub. Charlie will be a little mummy I can see it now - he is so maternal. It is making me more aware of how grown up they both are, I just want to bundle them up so they never grow up and have to deal with the adult world.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
What took us so long to decide on wanting to have another baby?
I can't say that we will have a huge gap between number 2 and number 3 (if it happens for us), but with us facing over a 4 1/2 year + gap it is not an average gap - it is about 18mths more than ideal, but very few people really get a choice in an age gap - and really what is the perfect gap? If you ask my mum she would say 17 -18mths- which is great if you can plan it, but it is almost too close for me. Hayley and Charlie are 27mths apart, well nearly anyway and I love the gap between them, Hayley was well and truly walking, out of the pram most of the time, could have been toilet trained and was 6mths later.....I think it is a great gap now, but when Charlie was a newborn and Hayley was going through "the terrible 2's" it was really hard....Hayley was a delayed talker as well so it made the terrible 2's that much harder. My only main concern about a bigger age gap is that the baby would be a little like an only child with developments as they grow older.......however I am very in touch with friends with babies, so play dates would be frequent. I can't choose the age gap, I have decided that if we are not pregnant by the end of the month though - that will be it - no babies, but if it happens for it, I am hardly going to complain. I have been through heartbreak to get here and our older two will love and protect it regardless.....oh and maybe baby it.
Back to the question and answer - I have obviously had a journey through depression, I found two kids relatively close quite hard to adjust to and give them the attention they needed when I was working and trying to establish a business -money wasn't great either - we then decided on a sea change and at about the same time decided to think about have another baby. I don't go through easy pregnancies - I end up a insulin dependent gestation diabetic-- which in turn means lots of medical appointments to monitor me and bub, it means expense -insulin is not cheap, it means a bigger baby and usually induction at 38weeks. With my first two kids it also meant 18wks of morning sickness.....and YES that would be enough to turn you off having any more for a while. I can handle the gestational diabetes - it does scare me when I am read the statistics of how many women develop type 2 diabetes later in life because of it - but I am trying to fight that with my current weight loss journey.....my kids are also at risk of type 2 which is lifestyle affected. Having a sister with type 1 diabetes means I see how it affects someone to live with the disease 24/7 for life.....I only have to deal with it for 9mths.
Back to the question and answer - I have obviously had a journey through depression, I found two kids relatively close quite hard to adjust to and give them the attention they needed when I was working and trying to establish a business -money wasn't great either - we then decided on a sea change and at about the same time decided to think about have another baby. I don't go through easy pregnancies - I end up a insulin dependent gestation diabetic-- which in turn means lots of medical appointments to monitor me and bub, it means expense -insulin is not cheap, it means a bigger baby and usually induction at 38weeks. With my first two kids it also meant 18wks of morning sickness.....and YES that would be enough to turn you off having any more for a while. I can handle the gestational diabetes - it does scare me when I am read the statistics of how many women develop type 2 diabetes later in life because of it - but I am trying to fight that with my current weight loss journey.....my kids are also at risk of type 2 which is lifestyle affected. Having a sister with type 1 diabetes means I see how it affects someone to live with the disease 24/7 for life.....I only have to deal with it for 9mths.
Monday, March 5, 2012
"...but remember at the end of the day you have two beautiful, healthy kids"
Another phrase I hear far too much in my quest to have baby number three - so what? because I want another child and it is taking a bit of a journey to get there (not my choice) I don't appreciate our kids?? OK here is a snippet for you - yep we are wanting another baby! If you for one minute think that I appreciate my daughter and son any less because of that - YOU ARE WRONG! If anything I appreciate them more and I enjoy them more and I cherish the moments I have with them more.
Apparently because we have a daughter and a son - we shouldn't want another child?? this makes no sense to me at all - since when did the sex of a child factor into it. When I was a little girl - I had a vision of having three kids. After the birth of our son - I had for a while decided -no more, I was struggling with (unknown to me at the time) depression, I was overwhelmed and didn't think I wanted any more children - and the truth is, I couldn't have any more children at the time because I needed to sort my own health out. When I got my "head" sorted and got myself back to me and in control, then I realised our family was incomplete. It has taken 18mths so far with no baby, it means our son turns 4 next month and we will have a larger age gap than first desired. We have a cut off time to conceive and will decide at that time that "it wasn't meant to happen" and we will move onto our next goal - a huge holiday. I am a huge believer in fate - if something is meant to happen it will - I went through an ectopic and miscarriage because I needed to, the universe was testing me and my strength - it was the HUGEST lesson the hardest times, but I came through it. I KNOW I have two perfectly healthy kids, that I love and cherish every day....I don't need you to tell me that like I have forgotten....do you realise how that makes me feel?? Step a day in someone elses shoes to realise. Step into my shoes from the last few years to see the walls that have been put in front of me and I have climbed. Do not for one minute think I don't realise what is in front of me I tear up as it is knowing how quickly they are growing- my baby starts school next year and I can't tell you how much I will miss his personality around the house all day, my little girl will be in year2 next year and she is an incredibly intelligent little girl. Don't ever doubt how much I appreciate my kids.
Apparently because we have a daughter and a son - we shouldn't want another child?? this makes no sense to me at all - since when did the sex of a child factor into it. When I was a little girl - I had a vision of having three kids. After the birth of our son - I had for a while decided -no more, I was struggling with (unknown to me at the time) depression, I was overwhelmed and didn't think I wanted any more children - and the truth is, I couldn't have any more children at the time because I needed to sort my own health out. When I got my "head" sorted and got myself back to me and in control, then I realised our family was incomplete. It has taken 18mths so far with no baby, it means our son turns 4 next month and we will have a larger age gap than first desired. We have a cut off time to conceive and will decide at that time that "it wasn't meant to happen" and we will move onto our next goal - a huge holiday. I am a huge believer in fate - if something is meant to happen it will - I went through an ectopic and miscarriage because I needed to, the universe was testing me and my strength - it was the HUGEST lesson the hardest times, but I came through it. I KNOW I have two perfectly healthy kids, that I love and cherish every day....I don't need you to tell me that like I have forgotten....do you realise how that makes me feel?? Step a day in someone elses shoes to realise. Step into my shoes from the last few years to see the walls that have been put in front of me and I have climbed. Do not for one minute think I don't realise what is in front of me I tear up as it is knowing how quickly they are growing- my baby starts school next year and I can't tell you how much I will miss his personality around the house all day, my little girl will be in year2 next year and she is an incredibly intelligent little girl. Don't ever doubt how much I appreciate my kids.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Week 2 weigh in....
So I weighed in and had only lost 700grams - little disheartening when I put a lot of work into this week, but I think I may be retaining a little fluid at the moment, so I will feel better when that releases. Then I also remembered about the scales not really being a factor - look at your measurements, so I measured myself to find amazing results - I have lost 21.5cms off my measurements in 2weeks -which is very uplifting......then I did a photo of my face to see the difference and posted my heaviest pic next to the current facial shot on facebook for family and friends to see -OMG I can tell the difference, I really can! and more so - others can and that nearly made me cry. At my heaviest, I was in the deepest depression - as you can read in earlier posts...I have really done a full circle mentally, now it's the physical that is transforming..you cannot wipe the grin off my face. I am doing cartwheels when I am not at goal weight and only two weeks in! Why??? because I am seeing results, I am now 19kgs down from my heaviest, I am feeling good and I am organised.........AND I am mentally well.
I know that I am feeling great because some of the negativity has cleared - a person who I thought was a friend has removed me/shut me out/ blocked me from her life and for some reason I am not affected, but amused more than anything-------why???? because I didn't have the issue - she had the issue, jealousy is a curse and it can eat you alive. If you feel like you have to exaggerate or lie to yourself, your friends and family just to feel good, then something isn't right! I can talk and be myself with any of my friends, so I guess this person hasn't been a friend for a while.....the "one-up" syndrome is nasty. I am blessed to have beautiful, positive people in my life that are there anytime I need them and know that if they need me I am right here.
I know that I am feeling great because some of the negativity has cleared - a person who I thought was a friend has removed me/shut me out/ blocked me from her life and for some reason I am not affected, but amused more than anything-------why???? because I didn't have the issue - she had the issue, jealousy is a curse and it can eat you alive. If you feel like you have to exaggerate or lie to yourself, your friends and family just to feel good, then something isn't right! I can talk and be myself with any of my friends, so I guess this person hasn't been a friend for a while.....the "one-up" syndrome is nasty. I am blessed to have beautiful, positive people in my life that are there anytime I need them and know that if they need me I am right here.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Well blow me down - 3 posts in 2 days- HELLO!
Well learning to cut things out of your lifestyle is fairly easy when you want it to be. If you are not ready for a change - NEWSFLASH it's going to be like pulling teeth and simply won't happen. You will fight through it for a week - then give up because it is all too hard.
My biggest struggle with 12WBT to date has been exercise, I haven't been well, so have used that as an excuse- but I know I need to incorporate it into everyday life and I am adjusting --even if it is at a bit of a snails pace. I feel great when I go out and get my huge walk part jog done in the mornings....for a girl that was not a morning person it has taken some adjusting.
SO what are the things I have had to cut out of my diet?? for the better of course - and let me say I am really not missing them as I have my alternatives.
Cheers.
-
My biggest struggle with 12WBT to date has been exercise, I haven't been well, so have used that as an excuse- but I know I need to incorporate it into everyday life and I am adjusting --even if it is at a bit of a snails pace. I feel great when I go out and get my huge walk part jog done in the mornings....for a girl that was not a morning person it has taken some adjusting.
SO what are the things I have had to cut out of my diet?? for the better of course - and let me say I am really not missing them as I have my alternatives.
- Cheese
- McDonalds frappes - these were hard to kick, but when you find they are worth 514cals - it isn't too hard.
- Processed meats and processed foods in general
- take away food - wasn't a big one for us as I took a lot of it out 12mths ago
- flavoured drinks - mainly cordial - found an alternative, but drink a lot more water now.
- Cut back on the bread intake
- meal sauces - prebottled, packaged etc.....GONE
- ice cream
- milk shakes
- desserts - hard when I am feeling for something sweet
- hot chips - was a little hard, but now the thought of them makes be sick a bit.
- crackers/dip/kabana etc - loved party snacks - I will have alternatives for future get togethers
Cheers.
-
Friday, February 17, 2012
Being aware of surroundings....
Since starting my weight loss journey last year, I have become increasingly aware of how people around me behave in regards to eating habits and shopping for food - not so much family and friends, but people I see out and about.
Today I noticed a woman at a supermarket who was talking to someone else. The woman looked not much older than me, if not the same age, however probably weighed about 30kgs more than me. She was discussing her health and all of the medications she is on for all of her ailments. Cream for her feet as they were "falling apart", blood pressure medications and cholesterol meds to name a few.....a young woman!!!! It's noticing things like this that make me so motivated to rid of my weight for good and never have a weight problem again. I am sure if she lost the 60kgs+ that she is overweight she would be rid of all of her health problems. It saddens me and frustrates me all at once.
I also become aware of what is in peoples trolleys an their sizes. Another scenario I saw was a mother with her two children both aged between 8 and 12 probably. Their trolley was loaded - I mean balancing things on top - living in a rural area then it is something you see sometimes with people doing a monthly shop, but this woman didn't have much milk or bread which would ordinarily indicate a monthly shop....she had a loaded trolley of school snacks, softdrink, sugary cordials, flavoured milks and boxes of processed meals and 'heat and eat' style meals........the children had weight problems- and I am talking lots of weight around their stomachs..........I grew up with weight, but I wasn't this big. This frustrates me to no end- you as an adult have the choice of what you eat and you might want to poison yourself, but don't do it to your children - your kids watch what you do! Why do you think I am changing things.
We haven't had soft drink in the house for years now, but our children were never drinking it, we have never had much processed foods in the house the biggest issue I have had with my own weight battles is a mixture of mental health, large portion sizes, poor snack choices, no exercise and not knowing anything about calories. We couldn't afford takeaway food more than once a month- my kids take a yoghurt, piece of fruit or two and a sandwich to school. They don't need or want more than that as they don't have time to eat them AND I don't want them hypo at school - their bodies cannot handle sugary snacks. They get a treat from tuck-shop - but it is all in moderation, they come home from school and have a piece of fruit and then their dinner which is the same as we eat. They are not fussy eaters, but when our daughter was a toddler you could put a plate of hot chips in front of her with a side of salad and she would eat the salad without much interest in chips - she loved her tomatoes and strawberries more than anything.
I really wish people could see what they are doing to children - McDonalds (in my book) shouldn't be touched on a weekly basis- maybe once a month, but preferably never. It is disgusting. Since detoxing off sugary foods and "easy" options, I really cannot even handle the smell of it - makes my stomach turn. Now that kilojoule counts have to be shown on all fast food restaurant menus - it is easy to see how unhealthy it is - the only thing that I was really hooked to at McDonalds was their chocolate swirl frappes.........well to my horror since learning about calories and converting KJs to calories, I have found that just a small size of that frappe = 514calories!!!!!!! WOW that is huge, how huge??? well I am allowed up to 350cals for a whole main meal - so 514 is nearly 1.5 times that - it is a lot and it makes me sick to know how many of those I used to drink.
Anyone can come and have a look at my pantry and fridge - it is all nutritious and clean food and I am so incredibly proud of it.
Today I noticed a woman at a supermarket who was talking to someone else. The woman looked not much older than me, if not the same age, however probably weighed about 30kgs more than me. She was discussing her health and all of the medications she is on for all of her ailments. Cream for her feet as they were "falling apart", blood pressure medications and cholesterol meds to name a few.....a young woman!!!! It's noticing things like this that make me so motivated to rid of my weight for good and never have a weight problem again. I am sure if she lost the 60kgs+ that she is overweight she would be rid of all of her health problems. It saddens me and frustrates me all at once.
I also become aware of what is in peoples trolleys an their sizes. Another scenario I saw was a mother with her two children both aged between 8 and 12 probably. Their trolley was loaded - I mean balancing things on top - living in a rural area then it is something you see sometimes with people doing a monthly shop, but this woman didn't have much milk or bread which would ordinarily indicate a monthly shop....she had a loaded trolley of school snacks, softdrink, sugary cordials, flavoured milks and boxes of processed meals and 'heat and eat' style meals........the children had weight problems- and I am talking lots of weight around their stomachs..........I grew up with weight, but I wasn't this big. This frustrates me to no end- you as an adult have the choice of what you eat and you might want to poison yourself, but don't do it to your children - your kids watch what you do! Why do you think I am changing things.
We haven't had soft drink in the house for years now, but our children were never drinking it, we have never had much processed foods in the house the biggest issue I have had with my own weight battles is a mixture of mental health, large portion sizes, poor snack choices, no exercise and not knowing anything about calories. We couldn't afford takeaway food more than once a month- my kids take a yoghurt, piece of fruit or two and a sandwich to school. They don't need or want more than that as they don't have time to eat them AND I don't want them hypo at school - their bodies cannot handle sugary snacks. They get a treat from tuck-shop - but it is all in moderation, they come home from school and have a piece of fruit and then their dinner which is the same as we eat. They are not fussy eaters, but when our daughter was a toddler you could put a plate of hot chips in front of her with a side of salad and she would eat the salad without much interest in chips - she loved her tomatoes and strawberries more than anything.
I really wish people could see what they are doing to children - McDonalds (in my book) shouldn't be touched on a weekly basis- maybe once a month, but preferably never. It is disgusting. Since detoxing off sugary foods and "easy" options, I really cannot even handle the smell of it - makes my stomach turn. Now that kilojoule counts have to be shown on all fast food restaurant menus - it is easy to see how unhealthy it is - the only thing that I was really hooked to at McDonalds was their chocolate swirl frappes.........well to my horror since learning about calories and converting KJs to calories, I have found that just a small size of that frappe = 514calories!!!!!!! WOW that is huge, how huge??? well I am allowed up to 350cals for a whole main meal - so 514 is nearly 1.5 times that - it is a lot and it makes me sick to know how many of those I used to drink.
Anyone can come and have a look at my pantry and fridge - it is all nutritious and clean food and I am so incredibly proud of it.
The frustrations of a WAHM/ SAHM
Yep I work from home, I do love working from home, but it has its negatives. OK I know there are a lot of mums that work out of the home and would love nothing more than to work for themselves or have a job that would enable them to work from home....I am not saying it is the worst thing in the world -in fact it is far from it, but it does get recognised less when it comes to contributing to the household income.
When I worked outside of the home- it was full on, chaotic and disorganised at the best of times, I struggled to find balance and I struggled with my depression. I left home at 7.30am and didn't get home until 6.30pm at the earliest and the kids were dragged around with it. I couldn't afford to stay at home as we lived in the city where it is incredibly expensive and with the debt we had, I just couldn't.
Now that I work from home, I have the opportunity to keep everything organised, spend quality time with our kids and create a better balance. The difference is - I don't leave work and get a break from it -I do work on and off over the whole day rather than just 9-5, it means I work until as late as 11pm so that I can give time to the kids during the day. My days still start early - I get up and workout before the kids are up.....BUT I swear my husband comes home expecting the house to be immaculate and dinner on - when I have had a packed day of work and kid's commitments and I too only just get home at 5:30pm. Sure if I didn't have to work the house would be perfect probably....but it isn't because I too am earning some income and yes I am at home, but sometimes that's why it's messy - I have kid/s home with me and they like to play and this is a home, it is lived in and I don't want to be the cleaning natzi.
Sometimes some recognition would be nice. I don't only work at home, I taxi kids, work with the school P&C committee to help raise funds for our kid's education, I also am travelling my journey to lose weight. Yes I get defensive when you ask "what have you been doing all day?" whilst glancing around the lounge room which isn't perfectly tidy....why wouldn't I get defensive - the only thing you have noticed is what I "haven't" done - if you had noticed what I did do, then I would appreciate it, but it is rare that you realise that.
So my day today consists of battling what appears to be a nasty bout of sinus, spending an hour sorting out my shopping list to keep it within budget, doing the groceries, unpacking the groceries at home (apart from one bag), crashing out because I couldn't hold my head up any longer...and invitations work/orders. Oh and yes I did something I wanted to do today - I finally got to meet my friends new bub, who is adorable. I have put up with tired, cranky, tantrum chucking kids all afternoon yelling "I HATE YOU" because I have asked them to do something.......yep a pretty typical day for a lot of mothers out there. I finally get to sit down and clear my head and I have someone running around cleaning the house (because obviously I have failed at that today) and telling me that the kids need a their toys culled, because our son's floor is covered in toys- "that means he has too many" - I think that means that he plays with all his toys and yes, it is messy, but for a nearly 4year old he is generally very tidy and a lot tidier than the 6yr old girl. I sometimes feel that because he grew up with one toy - he expects that our kids grow up the same, yet he says that he doesn't want his kids raised like that. Unfortunately because I need to work from home it means that there are times that Charlie has to occupy himself and he loves playing with his toys and that means I won't be doing a cull as I have just taken two boxes out of his room that he didn't play with anymore. SAHM mums don't get sick days, neither do WAHMs most of the time, as a WAHM, I don't get out of the house as much as I wish I could and when I do it is usually due to appointments, necessary grocery shops and school commitments, I am probably seen as a snob in the mother's groups because I don't get to go to meet ups as much as I would like, I am seen as 'being home all day and therefore house should be spotless' and when it isn't I must of been sitting on the lunch all day. When in all honesty - I only get to "sit" on the lounge for one hour a day at the most to watch programs I like, then I have to work. During the day the TV is on so I can hear the other shows I don't mind, but I don't get to sit and watch them.
So next time you walk through the door after being at your job all day, take a look for what's been done, have a look at my pays that get deposited and my commitments that our kids will remember for a lifetime. The kid's won't care about an immaculate house when they are older, they will care that their parents spent time with them and had fun with them - those are the memories that are left behind.
Don't get me wrong I love my husband to death and appreciate all that he does, I (like most women) get frustrated too.
When I worked outside of the home- it was full on, chaotic and disorganised at the best of times, I struggled to find balance and I struggled with my depression. I left home at 7.30am and didn't get home until 6.30pm at the earliest and the kids were dragged around with it. I couldn't afford to stay at home as we lived in the city where it is incredibly expensive and with the debt we had, I just couldn't.
Now that I work from home, I have the opportunity to keep everything organised, spend quality time with our kids and create a better balance. The difference is - I don't leave work and get a break from it -I do work on and off over the whole day rather than just 9-5, it means I work until as late as 11pm so that I can give time to the kids during the day. My days still start early - I get up and workout before the kids are up.....BUT I swear my husband comes home expecting the house to be immaculate and dinner on - when I have had a packed day of work and kid's commitments and I too only just get home at 5:30pm. Sure if I didn't have to work the house would be perfect probably....but it isn't because I too am earning some income and yes I am at home, but sometimes that's why it's messy - I have kid/s home with me and they like to play and this is a home, it is lived in and I don't want to be the cleaning natzi.
Sometimes some recognition would be nice. I don't only work at home, I taxi kids, work with the school P&C committee to help raise funds for our kid's education, I also am travelling my journey to lose weight. Yes I get defensive when you ask "what have you been doing all day?" whilst glancing around the lounge room which isn't perfectly tidy....why wouldn't I get defensive - the only thing you have noticed is what I "haven't" done - if you had noticed what I did do, then I would appreciate it, but it is rare that you realise that.
So my day today consists of battling what appears to be a nasty bout of sinus, spending an hour sorting out my shopping list to keep it within budget, doing the groceries, unpacking the groceries at home (apart from one bag), crashing out because I couldn't hold my head up any longer...and invitations work/orders. Oh and yes I did something I wanted to do today - I finally got to meet my friends new bub, who is adorable. I have put up with tired, cranky, tantrum chucking kids all afternoon yelling "I HATE YOU" because I have asked them to do something.......yep a pretty typical day for a lot of mothers out there. I finally get to sit down and clear my head and I have someone running around cleaning the house (because obviously I have failed at that today) and telling me that the kids need a their toys culled, because our son's floor is covered in toys- "that means he has too many" - I think that means that he plays with all his toys and yes, it is messy, but for a nearly 4year old he is generally very tidy and a lot tidier than the 6yr old girl. I sometimes feel that because he grew up with one toy - he expects that our kids grow up the same, yet he says that he doesn't want his kids raised like that. Unfortunately because I need to work from home it means that there are times that Charlie has to occupy himself and he loves playing with his toys and that means I won't be doing a cull as I have just taken two boxes out of his room that he didn't play with anymore. SAHM mums don't get sick days, neither do WAHMs most of the time, as a WAHM, I don't get out of the house as much as I wish I could and when I do it is usually due to appointments, necessary grocery shops and school commitments, I am probably seen as a snob in the mother's groups because I don't get to go to meet ups as much as I would like, I am seen as 'being home all day and therefore house should be spotless' and when it isn't I must of been sitting on the lunch all day. When in all honesty - I only get to "sit" on the lounge for one hour a day at the most to watch programs I like, then I have to work. During the day the TV is on so I can hear the other shows I don't mind, but I don't get to sit and watch them.
So next time you walk through the door after being at your job all day, take a look for what's been done, have a look at my pays that get deposited and my commitments that our kids will remember for a lifetime. The kid's won't care about an immaculate house when they are older, they will care that their parents spent time with them and had fun with them - those are the memories that are left behind.
Don't get me wrong I love my husband to death and appreciate all that he does, I (like most women) get frustrated too.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Let the 12 weeks begin.
I am so incredibly excited - I can see my results down the tunnel and have 12weeks to achieve them - and now I am armed with the tools to get there....the execution is getting there. I deliberately started right from the beginning of pre-season so that I created some habits. Habits like - getting out of bed early in the morning to do my walk....I will admit this is my biggest challenge, once I walk out the door I am fine as I am on my way, but the energy to get out of bed is hard. I am finding that if I don't get up and get moving early and decide to sleep in - it is totally screwing my whole day up. When coming home from a walk/jog feeling full of energy and get my housework all organised within a couple of hours and feel organised - if I don't go and I get up at 7 it takes a couple of hours to feel awake/alive and I just don't have the motivation to do anything. So I need to get up.....body clock is getting used to it now - at 6am this morning, I was wide awake - totally unheard of on a Saturday morning for me.
My greatest disappointment so far was waking at 6am this morning. I was all psyched up for a 17km walk this morning and instead of my alarm going off at 4:15am this morning, nothing went off and I woke at 6am and burst into tears because I had missed it. I should have been starting the walk with a group at 5am. So instead I am mowing the lawn and going for a walk this arvo - see how I go with calorie burning.
My greatest joy so far has been getting on the scales to know I have lost nearly 4kgs in preseason and I was 600grams off hitting 90kgs - 90kgs has been the most stubborn number on the scales for me, I always seem to get close, but can never get under it and stay under it. This morning I am 200grams off so I know I will see the 80's this week and that is soooooo incredibly awesome. I am loving this journey so far and I am stoked with my results- come the end of the next 12weeks and you won't be able to wipe the smile off my face.
How awesome does it feel to know you are changing your life for the better it feels like I am being given a second chance at an awesome life!!
xx
My greatest disappointment so far was waking at 6am this morning. I was all psyched up for a 17km walk this morning and instead of my alarm going off at 4:15am this morning, nothing went off and I woke at 6am and burst into tears because I had missed it. I should have been starting the walk with a group at 5am. So instead I am mowing the lawn and going for a walk this arvo - see how I go with calorie burning.
My greatest joy so far has been getting on the scales to know I have lost nearly 4kgs in preseason and I was 600grams off hitting 90kgs - 90kgs has been the most stubborn number on the scales for me, I always seem to get close, but can never get under it and stay under it. This morning I am 200grams off so I know I will see the 80's this week and that is soooooo incredibly awesome. I am loving this journey so far and I am stoked with my results- come the end of the next 12weeks and you won't be able to wipe the smile off my face.
How awesome does it feel to know you are changing your life for the better it feels like I am being given a second chance at an awesome life!!
xx
Monday, February 6, 2012
"I could never give that up...."
If I have to hear this line one more time I am going to scream. It is more tiring than annoying or frustrating. I am not asking you to give up anything just because I have decided to better my life. Yes I have decided not to eat white potato, sugar, butter, cakes, cream or processed foods as much as possible, but it doesn't mean I am asking you to do it as well so please don't tell me " I could never give that up" or " I would die if someone took my chocolate away"..... I mean lets get realistic you wouldn't die and you COULD give it up if you wanted to, but nobody is asking you to. I am doing this because they are not compatible for my body - I DON'T NEED them to survive and I have alternatives and more nutritious food. I don't think twice now when I see blocks of chocolate or hot chips I know that if it hits my mouth then I will be back 5steps, but if I just avoid eating them then I am fine as I don't have a taste for it and I feel a million times better for it.
At the end of the day I am the one that WILL be a lot lighter for it, I WILL be a lot healthier for it and my kids will have a happy, active and energetic mum. In 12weeks I WILL be a new person....and you will still be sitting back eating your chocolates and talking about how you would love to lose a few kgs but don't have time. Unfortunately talking about it is NOT doing it is it? Only I can change what I have created and become a better role model for my kids, they won't remember whether we had lollies and sugar infested snacks in the house, they will remember how much time I spent running around with them and the role model I was for them. Which would you prefer? I know which one I prefer.
See you on the flip side.....or probably before.
At the end of the day I am the one that WILL be a lot lighter for it, I WILL be a lot healthier for it and my kids will have a happy, active and energetic mum. In 12weeks I WILL be a new person....and you will still be sitting back eating your chocolates and talking about how you would love to lose a few kgs but don't have time. Unfortunately talking about it is NOT doing it is it? Only I can change what I have created and become a better role model for my kids, they won't remember whether we had lollies and sugar infested snacks in the house, they will remember how much time I spent running around with them and the role model I was for them. Which would you prefer? I know which one I prefer.
See you on the flip side.....or probably before.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Daydreaming.
I feel like (particularly this week) I haven't had the time to daydream not let alone get 5minutes for myself. I took 10minutes for myself yesterday to drop into an Op-shop while out and about and it totally threw my day out.....and this was a kid-free day that I feel was totally wasted lol. I do have 2 days a week when Charlie is in Preschool - I used to use one day (selfishly) for me, for my own therapy and sanity and the other was used for housework and catching up on chores as well as booking in work and doing work.
Anyway back to the subject, a couple of weeks ago I had the typical daydream that starts with 'wouldn't it be nice.....' My 'wouldn't it be nice' moment lately has been -"wouldn't it be nice to spend some one on one time with my mum" I do get a bit jealous of my sisters.....with me being the eldest the one on one time I had with my mother was as a baby and toddler - beyond that it was impossible and I didn't really care too much as that was the way it was and none of us seemed to be bothered. My little sisters get more of an opportunity to get that bit of one on one now that everyone else has left home. Now that I have children of my own and mum has a great job, there never seems to be enough time, I try and get that one on one with my own kids and now that we have moved away when I do see my own mother it feels hectic and the kids need to spend time with their nanny....so when we go out to the shops or do something there's 3-4 people in tow and it is limited. I knew on our trip last week it wouldn't happen - yes she was on holidays this time which means that she wasn't tired and had some time, but we were in organising and cleaning mode to get ready for the party and then we left the day after the party.
I settle with the fact that realistically, the closest thing I get to one on one time is on the phone. I get the conversations then and sometimes it feels like she isn't in the conversation, but when anything happens I know I can call. We get to talk - don't get me wrong, but going somewhere and actually talking is one thing, but having conversations with kids running around and talking to you and trying to get things done in between is another thing. I was thinking of going down for a few days over easter and I probably will, but sometimes I think "what's the point?" When mum's working and we visit, I don't really get to see her as she is off to work and sleeps during the day due to the hours.
I know how hard it is to be a mum, so in no way whatsoever am I criticising my mum - this is life and life gets in the way. I am just having a home sick, selfish moment of just wanting to spend an hour chatting in person.
Anyway back to the subject, a couple of weeks ago I had the typical daydream that starts with 'wouldn't it be nice.....' My 'wouldn't it be nice' moment lately has been -"wouldn't it be nice to spend some one on one time with my mum" I do get a bit jealous of my sisters.....with me being the eldest the one on one time I had with my mother was as a baby and toddler - beyond that it was impossible and I didn't really care too much as that was the way it was and none of us seemed to be bothered. My little sisters get more of an opportunity to get that bit of one on one now that everyone else has left home. Now that I have children of my own and mum has a great job, there never seems to be enough time, I try and get that one on one with my own kids and now that we have moved away when I do see my own mother it feels hectic and the kids need to spend time with their nanny....so when we go out to the shops or do something there's 3-4 people in tow and it is limited. I knew on our trip last week it wouldn't happen - yes she was on holidays this time which means that she wasn't tired and had some time, but we were in organising and cleaning mode to get ready for the party and then we left the day after the party.
I settle with the fact that realistically, the closest thing I get to one on one time is on the phone. I get the conversations then and sometimes it feels like she isn't in the conversation, but when anything happens I know I can call. We get to talk - don't get me wrong, but going somewhere and actually talking is one thing, but having conversations with kids running around and talking to you and trying to get things done in between is another thing. I was thinking of going down for a few days over easter and I probably will, but sometimes I think "what's the point?" When mum's working and we visit, I don't really get to see her as she is off to work and sleeps during the day due to the hours.
I know how hard it is to be a mum, so in no way whatsoever am I criticising my mum - this is life and life gets in the way. I am just having a home sick, selfish moment of just wanting to spend an hour chatting in person.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Getting Real = a few tears
So as I have mentioned in my previous posts, I am doing round 1 of 12WBT for 2012. The preseason challenges (from what I have read) are extremely vital and I believe it. I am taking every task seriously and making sure I am thorough with them. Today's task was very confronting........and was titled Getting Real!...I won't go into too much detail as you really need to be a financial member of the program to get the real benefits of this program and I cannot explain it in full detail - it just wouldn't explain the magnitude of how hard this task is in terms of facing the truth nor would it give it any justice. So to put it simply - it is about overcoming the excuses and breaking it down. A line that truly hit me in Mish's video was "you are selling these excuses to your family" this is so true and hit me to the core, I teared up as it struck me. I won't accept excuses from myself anymore......and I don't expect anyone else to accept my excuses for not exercising, it will mean I will be working in robot mode a lot - there are lots of times I don't feel like going out and walking/jogging, but I just need to do it - I feel so much better when I do as I get to clear my head - I just need to do it and live by JFDI principal. I have used a lot of excuses in the past and now that I have put them on paper, I realise that every one of them has a solution. I can't let the excuses/conversation go ahead in my mind, I need to block them and move...JFDI in other words.
BRING IT ON!
BRING IT ON!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Where have the last 6years gone???
So tomorrow at 1:03pm will mark my daughter's 6th Birthday - she went to bed very excited tonight and I get just as excited for the kid's birthdays and other celebrations. I love to set up a surprise for them to wake up to, I love to give them their favourite dinner for tea that night and we always do a birthday cake on the night of the birthday when the party isn't the same day. I don't have to spend mega amounts of dollars - as I tend to buy a lot of smaller things for her. This year she will get hair accessories, some lip balm, clothes and a desk and chair - seeing as though she will be in year 1 this year and is starting to be more responsible for her things. Her chosen dinner - which has been the same for the last 3years is spaghetti and meatballs - so easy, we will have a birthday cake tomorrow night as her party isn't til Monday. I think we may visit the beach, but as far as plans for the day go, we have none as the forecast is rain.
Six years ago I was induced and had no idea what laid ahead. I have my birth story on this blog a little further down, but we had the shock of our lives when our little (or big at 9pd3oz) was born critically ill. She showed us and the doctors that she was a fighter right from the start and it shows today with her determination, her love for life and her desire to do great things. At nearly 6 she says she wants to be a "clown doctor" cos she wants to make people better by making them laugh. Her laughter is contagious - especially when she gets her evil laugh happening. She is a protective big sister and has been from the moment she became a big sister - she calls Charlie "buddy" when she is trying to explain something to him. She can stir like the best of them - father has trained her well. She has the biggest heart, just wants to make friends with others and is crushed quite easily and whilst I would love to toughen her up, I don't want her to change....compassion is a trait that not a lot of people have nowadays. She has lost people in our families that were close to her - too young, but she totally understands it all...my little "old soul". She would love for us to have another bub and pesters a bit sometimes and this is why I cannot tell her if we conceive until I 'know' it will stick, she had to go through the ectopic thinking we were having a bub and then finding out we weren't and while she didn't seem to be affected...I don't want to get her hopes up over something like that. She just seems to know when I am having a 'bad day' and is so mature beyond her years at times.
I am excited for her celebrating the big 6, but I wish time would slow down.
Happy 6th Birthday baby girl - I love you more than life itself. xx
Six years ago I was induced and had no idea what laid ahead. I have my birth story on this blog a little further down, but we had the shock of our lives when our little (or big at 9pd3oz) was born critically ill. She showed us and the doctors that she was a fighter right from the start and it shows today with her determination, her love for life and her desire to do great things. At nearly 6 she says she wants to be a "clown doctor" cos she wants to make people better by making them laugh. Her laughter is contagious - especially when she gets her evil laugh happening. She is a protective big sister and has been from the moment she became a big sister - she calls Charlie "buddy" when she is trying to explain something to him. She can stir like the best of them - father has trained her well. She has the biggest heart, just wants to make friends with others and is crushed quite easily and whilst I would love to toughen her up, I don't want her to change....compassion is a trait that not a lot of people have nowadays. She has lost people in our families that were close to her - too young, but she totally understands it all...my little "old soul". She would love for us to have another bub and pesters a bit sometimes and this is why I cannot tell her if we conceive until I 'know' it will stick, she had to go through the ectopic thinking we were having a bub and then finding out we weren't and while she didn't seem to be affected...I don't want to get her hopes up over something like that. She just seems to know when I am having a 'bad day' and is so mature beyond her years at times.
I am excited for her celebrating the big 6, but I wish time would slow down.
Happy 6th Birthday baby girl - I love you more than life itself. xx
Friday, January 13, 2012
The next step in my journey.
I need something else to focus on - get me away from thinking about wanting another bub at the moment, otherwise it will do my head in - literally.
Something I have wanted to do for over 6mths is the 12WBT program by Michelle Bridges. If you haven't heard of it, then check it out - www.12wbt.com. For various reasons or excuses I haven't done it.......I used the 'trying to have a bub' excuse, the 'not having money' (really haven't had the money) - but this will drive my determination to make it work for me and to make sure I stick to it and to begin with I thought "why? when I have lost over 13kgs by myself".............well why have I???
Here are the reasons and motivators.
So fasten your seat belt for the roller-coaster ride that will be the 12WBT experience.
Something I have wanted to do for over 6mths is the 12WBT program by Michelle Bridges. If you haven't heard of it, then check it out - www.12wbt.com. For various reasons or excuses I haven't done it.......I used the 'trying to have a bub' excuse, the 'not having money' (really haven't had the money) - but this will drive my determination to make it work for me and to make sure I stick to it and to begin with I thought "why? when I have lost over 13kgs by myself".............well why have I???
Here are the reasons and motivators.
- I have seen a few big inspirations who have succeeded with this program first hand
- I will be fully supported with the program supplying my shopping lists and workout routine.
- I am stagnate with the weight loss by myself
- I have two awesome kids that deserve an active mum
- I want to give those two kids a brother or sister so why not be healthy in the lead up
- Due to bouts of gestational diabetes I have had while pregnant, my chances of having late onset diabetes are a lot higher - why not reduce some of the chances with the weight issue.
- I want to be confident, I want to love what I see in the mirror.
- I want to be the best possible role model I can be for my kids
- I want to be fit!!
- My husband - my biggest fan and supporter of this - he doesn't care for a skinny wife, but he does want a healthy, more active wife and more than anything a confident wife.
So fasten your seat belt for the roller-coaster ride that will be the 12WBT experience.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Theres a fine line between..........
It's the start of a famous line/song - "there's a fine line between pleasure and pain"...it's also the start of many adapted phrases. The one I will present you with is "there's a fine line between keeping positive/having hopes up and being unrealistic"..........am I right??
I woke up last tuesday morning to what I had already feared - a miscarriage (see previous post if you want more on that bit) I had my cry and I dealt with it before going to the doctor that afternoon. I was at peace with what had happened and I was ready to focus on what was ahead. I did allow myself my time to cry and my time to deal with what I had to, but I have two children that need their mummy and they need her there in the present not thinking about "what ifs". So when I went to the doctor, I was 'dealing' with it (for want of a better phrase). I then had a doctor instill hope in me - he started telling me about how it isn't impossible that I may still be pregnant and to go and have an ultrasound. I started to think maybe there was hope and thought about the possibility that maybe we were dealing with low lying placenta. But no if I had of just listened to my instinct I knew in my heart this was not the case.
To any medical professional out there that deals with women that are possibly miscarrying - DO NOT instill hope - be realistic and prepare them for the worst.....if a miracle happens then this is brilliant, but if it doesn't then they don't crash and burn after you inflated their hopes. This is the second time I have had this happen.....last time I had to have surgery. This time I am certain it is not ectopic as the pain isn't there like it was last time.
From this I have realised that hindsight is a wonderful thing....or not. I know that under 6weeks is too early for an ultrasound - so why didn't I tell the doctor it would be a waste of time?? well that comes down to that little word "hope". I lost $95 and received a silly look from the guy at the ultrasound clinic. The "guy" asked why I was there as he didn't believe we would see anything, I knew this when I told him my doctor insisted on it, then his look said it all - a JOKE. I was so angry, we are on a tight budget lately and I couldn't afford to lose $95 out of my pocket and out of my budget. The other thing that frustrates me to tears is that after telling him my history, the doctor didn't get my hcg levels when he tested for my pregnancy. I have never been to a doctor that hasn't checked those levels - he simply got a positive/negative test done. HCG levels can be a huge indicator of something not being right, they can also be the only indicator of an ectopic - especially in my case. So I was angry....was I just looking for someone to be angry at over what happened?? ...yeah probably, but still GRRRRR!!
So I won't be going back to that particular doctor in future.
Lesson for today? Sometimes being positive or optimistic can blind you to what's realistic. Maybe I would have handled things better if the GP had just told me to have the tests done and not given us the idea that the pregnancy could be ok, maybe if I just used my common sense it wouldn't have hurt so much or at least it would have cushioned the fall. I didn't cry myself to sleep the first time I miscarried, I didn't cry when the door was opened to the spare room (currently storing baby stuff) and I didn't well up when someone mentioned it a few days later. It could just be where I am at and maybe wouldn't have made a difference, but I just can't help but think that have that bit of hope injected made the fall just that bit harder.
Thanks
I woke up last tuesday morning to what I had already feared - a miscarriage (see previous post if you want more on that bit) I had my cry and I dealt with it before going to the doctor that afternoon. I was at peace with what had happened and I was ready to focus on what was ahead. I did allow myself my time to cry and my time to deal with what I had to, but I have two children that need their mummy and they need her there in the present not thinking about "what ifs". So when I went to the doctor, I was 'dealing' with it (for want of a better phrase). I then had a doctor instill hope in me - he started telling me about how it isn't impossible that I may still be pregnant and to go and have an ultrasound. I started to think maybe there was hope and thought about the possibility that maybe we were dealing with low lying placenta. But no if I had of just listened to my instinct I knew in my heart this was not the case.
To any medical professional out there that deals with women that are possibly miscarrying - DO NOT instill hope - be realistic and prepare them for the worst.....if a miracle happens then this is brilliant, but if it doesn't then they don't crash and burn after you inflated their hopes. This is the second time I have had this happen.....last time I had to have surgery. This time I am certain it is not ectopic as the pain isn't there like it was last time.
From this I have realised that hindsight is a wonderful thing....or not. I know that under 6weeks is too early for an ultrasound - so why didn't I tell the doctor it would be a waste of time?? well that comes down to that little word "hope". I lost $95 and received a silly look from the guy at the ultrasound clinic. The "guy" asked why I was there as he didn't believe we would see anything, I knew this when I told him my doctor insisted on it, then his look said it all - a JOKE. I was so angry, we are on a tight budget lately and I couldn't afford to lose $95 out of my pocket and out of my budget. The other thing that frustrates me to tears is that after telling him my history, the doctor didn't get my hcg levels when he tested for my pregnancy. I have never been to a doctor that hasn't checked those levels - he simply got a positive/negative test done. HCG levels can be a huge indicator of something not being right, they can also be the only indicator of an ectopic - especially in my case. So I was angry....was I just looking for someone to be angry at over what happened?? ...yeah probably, but still GRRRRR!!
So I won't be going back to that particular doctor in future.
Lesson for today? Sometimes being positive or optimistic can blind you to what's realistic. Maybe I would have handled things better if the GP had just told me to have the tests done and not given us the idea that the pregnancy could be ok, maybe if I just used my common sense it wouldn't have hurt so much or at least it would have cushioned the fall. I didn't cry myself to sleep the first time I miscarried, I didn't cry when the door was opened to the spare room (currently storing baby stuff) and I didn't well up when someone mentioned it a few days later. It could just be where I am at and maybe wouldn't have made a difference, but I just can't help but think that have that bit of hope injected made the fall just that bit harder.
Thanks
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Another loss - still a loss.
I have had the unfortunate event of another miscarriage this week. It has hit me hard - I really wasn't prepared for it (I know that nobody is) and with the way I have been managing my depression, I tend to get warning signs to be able to prepare and cope with it. Most people get beyond events and "just deal with it" with my coping mechanism for depression, I rely on warning signs to get a grip and ride it through.....if I don't get those warning signs then it is a lot harder and a much bumpier road than it should be and when you throw hormones into it - well it is a bloody rollercoaster.
We have been trying to have a bub for 8mths (since I was given the all clear after the ectopic last year). So on Xmas day when I was late, had the symptoms of pregnancy for a week and was starting to suspect that maybe, just maybe we were finally expecting.....I waited for nearly a week when I went to the doctors to have a blood test done. It has been the most nerve wracking time - after last year and a miscarriage between our two kids, I was wanting to scream out with excitement, but was scared to be excited due to the "what if?".
So I had bloods done and was due to go to the doctor for results on
Tuesday arvo...........here is where it gets hard.
So I was getting ready to go to bed on Monday night when I realised I hadn't felt sick at all that night (for the last week I had felt sick every night almost to the point of being sick, but not quite) and then I realised that something probably wasn't right. I tossed and turned all night and could barely sleep. Then I was woken at 5am with cramping and bingo - my personal nightmare - I was bleeding and in my heart of hearts I knew I was losing this pregnancy. Anyone who has not had a miscarriage and some that have - may not think at 5 1/2 weeks it is much of a loss - but it breaks your heart (especially when you have been trying for a bub) and it sticks with you and you don't forget it. This one has hit me particularly hard due to how long we have been trying. Last time I miscarried we had only been 'trying' for 2 months and then I conceived our son 2mths after.....and it didn't affect me as hard as this has.
I feel a lot better now towards the end of the week - the only thing that hurts and saddens me is that I do notice more when I am out how some people treat their kids and it frustrates me when you see someone with 5kids(not always, but a lot lately) and they are clearly not being looked after and the parents are swearing at them and threatening to "flog" them in the middle of the shopping centre.
How is it that these women fall pregnant (with what appears to be)without any issues and can't appreciate their kids?
I have given myself my wallowing moment (for which I have every right to have) - I have been devastated and heartbroken to put it into words and many tears have flowed, but I am now on the up and up, I can't live life crying over things I cannot change - I am positive about what I have, we will try for another bub and if it happens it happens, if it doesn't then so be it - I wasn't meant to have anymore. Things like this make you realise what you have that is great in life - Family and friends. I have some amazing people in my life. I have people who care enough to say "are you ok?" - people underestimate the power of those three words. They mean a lot. I have people who care - text messages, phone calls, messages and posts on facebook.
A lady who I am pleased to have in my life held off her own special news to alleviate any pain it may have caused me ~ thank you for your thoughts and consideration.
The best thing is, I am more pleased for any of my friends and family who have fallen pregnant around me and had bubs - I love to share in their bubs growing. I could never wish what happened to me to happen on anyone it is not the greatest experience to go through. Their miracles give me hope.
It's the old story - "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I have the most amazing support behind me - a husband who is lost to know what to say or do, but is just there ~ which is what I need most. He must be feeling it too, but doesn't show it so much.....he just wants to 'make it all better'. Our marriage only gets stronger when we go through loss - we don't push the other away. Our kids would adore another bub in the house, so we won't tell them we are ever expecting a bub until I see the heartbeat....although they might understand they don't deserve to have their excited bubble busted.
Thank you xx
We have been trying to have a bub for 8mths (since I was given the all clear after the ectopic last year). So on Xmas day when I was late, had the symptoms of pregnancy for a week and was starting to suspect that maybe, just maybe we were finally expecting.....I waited for nearly a week when I went to the doctors to have a blood test done. It has been the most nerve wracking time - after last year and a miscarriage between our two kids, I was wanting to scream out with excitement, but was scared to be excited due to the "what if?".
So I had bloods done and was due to go to the doctor for results on
Tuesday arvo...........here is where it gets hard.
So I was getting ready to go to bed on Monday night when I realised I hadn't felt sick at all that night (for the last week I had felt sick every night almost to the point of being sick, but not quite) and then I realised that something probably wasn't right. I tossed and turned all night and could barely sleep. Then I was woken at 5am with cramping and bingo - my personal nightmare - I was bleeding and in my heart of hearts I knew I was losing this pregnancy. Anyone who has not had a miscarriage and some that have - may not think at 5 1/2 weeks it is much of a loss - but it breaks your heart (especially when you have been trying for a bub) and it sticks with you and you don't forget it. This one has hit me particularly hard due to how long we have been trying. Last time I miscarried we had only been 'trying' for 2 months and then I conceived our son 2mths after.....and it didn't affect me as hard as this has.
I feel a lot better now towards the end of the week - the only thing that hurts and saddens me is that I do notice more when I am out how some people treat their kids and it frustrates me when you see someone with 5kids(not always, but a lot lately) and they are clearly not being looked after and the parents are swearing at them and threatening to "flog" them in the middle of the shopping centre.
How is it that these women fall pregnant (with what appears to be)without any issues and can't appreciate their kids?
I have given myself my wallowing moment (for which I have every right to have) - I have been devastated and heartbroken to put it into words and many tears have flowed, but I am now on the up and up, I can't live life crying over things I cannot change - I am positive about what I have, we will try for another bub and if it happens it happens, if it doesn't then so be it - I wasn't meant to have anymore. Things like this make you realise what you have that is great in life - Family and friends. I have some amazing people in my life. I have people who care enough to say "are you ok?" - people underestimate the power of those three words. They mean a lot. I have people who care - text messages, phone calls, messages and posts on facebook.
A lady who I am pleased to have in my life held off her own special news to alleviate any pain it may have caused me ~ thank you for your thoughts and consideration.
The best thing is, I am more pleased for any of my friends and family who have fallen pregnant around me and had bubs - I love to share in their bubs growing. I could never wish what happened to me to happen on anyone it is not the greatest experience to go through. Their miracles give me hope.
It's the old story - "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I have the most amazing support behind me - a husband who is lost to know what to say or do, but is just there ~ which is what I need most. He must be feeling it too, but doesn't show it so much.....he just wants to 'make it all better'. Our marriage only gets stronger when we go through loss - we don't push the other away. Our kids would adore another bub in the house, so we won't tell them we are ever expecting a bub until I see the heartbeat....although they might understand they don't deserve to have their excited bubble busted.
Thank you xx
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)