It's the start of a famous line/song - "there's a fine line between pleasure and pain"...it's also the start of many adapted phrases. The one I will present you with is "there's a fine line between keeping positive/having hopes up and being unrealistic"..........am I right??
I woke up last tuesday morning to what I had already feared - a miscarriage (see previous post if you want more on that bit) I had my cry and I dealt with it before going to the doctor that afternoon. I was at peace with what had happened and I was ready to focus on what was ahead. I did allow myself my time to cry and my time to deal with what I had to, but I have two children that need their mummy and they need her there in the present not thinking about "what ifs". So when I went to the doctor, I was 'dealing' with it (for want of a better phrase). I then had a doctor instill hope in me - he started telling me about how it isn't impossible that I may still be pregnant and to go and have an ultrasound. I started to think maybe there was hope and thought about the possibility that maybe we were dealing with low lying placenta. But no if I had of just listened to my instinct I knew in my heart this was not the case.
To any medical professional out there that deals with women that are possibly miscarrying - DO NOT instill hope - be realistic and prepare them for the worst.....if a miracle happens then this is brilliant, but if it doesn't then they don't crash and burn after you inflated their hopes. This is the second time I have had this happen.....last time I had to have surgery. This time I am certain it is not ectopic as the pain isn't there like it was last time.
From this I have realised that hindsight is a wonderful thing....or not. I know that under 6weeks is too early for an ultrasound - so why didn't I tell the doctor it would be a waste of time?? well that comes down to that little word "hope". I lost $95 and received a silly look from the guy at the ultrasound clinic. The "guy" asked why I was there as he didn't believe we would see anything, I knew this when I told him my doctor insisted on it, then his look said it all - a JOKE. I was so angry, we are on a tight budget lately and I couldn't afford to lose $95 out of my pocket and out of my budget. The other thing that frustrates me to tears is that after telling him my history, the doctor didn't get my hcg levels when he tested for my pregnancy. I have never been to a doctor that hasn't checked those levels - he simply got a positive/negative test done. HCG levels can be a huge indicator of something not being right, they can also be the only indicator of an ectopic - especially in my case. So I was angry....was I just looking for someone to be angry at over what happened?? ...yeah probably, but still GRRRRR!!
So I won't be going back to that particular doctor in future.
Lesson for today? Sometimes being positive or optimistic can blind you to what's realistic. Maybe I would have handled things better if the GP had just told me to have the tests done and not given us the idea that the pregnancy could be ok, maybe if I just used my common sense it wouldn't have hurt so much or at least it would have cushioned the fall. I didn't cry myself to sleep the first time I miscarried, I didn't cry when the door was opened to the spare room (currently storing baby stuff) and I didn't well up when someone mentioned it a few days later. It could just be where I am at and maybe wouldn't have made a difference, but I just can't help but think that have that bit of hope injected made the fall just that bit harder.
Thanks
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