Another loss - still a loss.

I have had the unfortunate event of another miscarriage this week. It has hit me hard - I really wasn't prepared for it (I know that nobody is) and with the way I have been managing my depression, I tend to get warning signs to be able to prepare and cope with it. Most people get beyond events and "just deal with it" with my coping mechanism for depression, I rely on warning signs to get a grip and ride it through.....if I don't get those warning signs then it is a lot harder and a much bumpier road than it should be and when you throw hormones into it - well it is a bloody rollercoaster.

We have been trying to have a bub for 8mths (since I was given the all clear after the ectopic last year). So on Xmas day when I was late, had the symptoms of pregnancy for a week and was starting to suspect that maybe, just maybe we were finally expecting.....I waited for nearly a week when I went to the doctors to have a blood test done. It has been the most nerve wracking time - after last year and a miscarriage between our two kids, I was wanting to scream out with excitement, but was scared to be excited due to the "what if?".

So I had bloods done and was due to go to the doctor for results on
Tuesday arvo...........here is where it gets hard.

So I was getting ready to go to bed on Monday night when I realised I hadn't felt sick at all that night (for the last week I had felt sick every night almost to the point of being sick, but not quite) and then I realised that something probably wasn't right. I tossed and turned all night and could barely sleep. Then I was woken at 5am with cramping and bingo  - my personal nightmare - I was bleeding and in my heart of hearts I knew I was losing this pregnancy. Anyone who has not had a miscarriage and some that have - may not think at 5 1/2 weeks it is much of a loss - but it breaks your heart (especially when you have been trying for a bub) and it sticks with you and you don't forget it. This one has hit me particularly hard due to how long we have been trying. Last time I miscarried we had only been 'trying' for 2 months and then I conceived our son 2mths after.....and it didn't affect me as hard as this has.    

I feel a lot better now towards the end of the week - the only thing that hurts and saddens me is that I do notice more when I am out how some people treat their kids and it frustrates me when you see someone with 5kids(not always, but a lot lately) and they are clearly not being looked after and the parents are swearing at them and threatening to "flog" them in the middle of the shopping centre.
 How is it that these women fall pregnant (with what appears to be)without any issues and can't appreciate their kids?

I have given myself my wallowing moment (for which I have every right to have) - I have been devastated and heartbroken to put it into words and many tears have flowed, but I am now on the up and up, I can't live life crying over things I cannot change  - I am positive about what I have, we will try for another bub and if it happens it happens, if it doesn't then so be it - I wasn't meant to have anymore.  Things like this make you realise what you have that is great in life - Family and friends. I have some amazing people in my life. I have people who care enough to say "are you ok?" - people underestimate the power of those three words. They mean a lot. I have people who care - text messages, phone calls, messages and posts on facebook.

A lady who I am pleased to have in my life held off her own special news to alleviate any pain it may have caused me ~ thank you for your thoughts and consideration.
 The best thing is, I am more pleased for any of my friends and family who have fallen pregnant around me and had bubs - I love to share in their bubs growing. I could never wish what happened to me to happen on anyone it is not the greatest experience to go through. Their miracles give me hope.

It's the old story - "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I have the most amazing support behind me - a husband who is lost to know what to say or do, but is just there ~ which is what I need most. He must be feeling it too, but doesn't show it so much.....he just wants to 'make it all better'. Our marriage only gets stronger when we go through loss - we don't push the other away.  Our kids would adore another bub in the house, so we won't tell them we are ever expecting a bub until I see the heartbeat....although they might understand they don't deserve to have their excited bubble busted.

Thank you xx