So as I have mentioned in my previous posts, I am doing round 1 of 12WBT for 2012. The preseason challenges (from what I have read) are extremely vital and I believe it. I am taking every task seriously and making sure I am thorough with them. Today's task was very confronting........and was titled Getting Real!...I won't go into too much detail as you really need to be a financial member of the program to get the real benefits of this program and I cannot explain it in full detail - it just wouldn't explain the magnitude of how hard this task is in terms of facing the truth nor would it give it any justice. So to put it simply - it is about overcoming the excuses and breaking it down. A line that truly hit me in Mish's video was "you are selling these excuses to your family" this is so true and hit me to the core, I teared up as it struck me. I won't accept excuses from myself anymore......and I don't expect anyone else to accept my excuses for not exercising, it will mean I will be working in robot mode a lot - there are lots of times I don't feel like going out and walking/jogging, but I just need to do it - I feel so much better when I do as I get to clear my head - I just need to do it and live by JFDI principal. I have used a lot of excuses in the past and now that I have put them on paper, I realise that every one of them has a solution. I can't let the excuses/conversation go ahead in my mind, I need to block them and move...JFDI in other words.
BRING IT ON!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Where have the last 6years gone???
So tomorrow at 1:03pm will mark my daughter's 6th Birthday - she went to bed very excited tonight and I get just as excited for the kid's birthdays and other celebrations. I love to set up a surprise for them to wake up to, I love to give them their favourite dinner for tea that night and we always do a birthday cake on the night of the birthday when the party isn't the same day. I don't have to spend mega amounts of dollars - as I tend to buy a lot of smaller things for her. This year she will get hair accessories, some lip balm, clothes and a desk and chair - seeing as though she will be in year 1 this year and is starting to be more responsible for her things. Her chosen dinner - which has been the same for the last 3years is spaghetti and meatballs - so easy, we will have a birthday cake tomorrow night as her party isn't til Monday. I think we may visit the beach, but as far as plans for the day go, we have none as the forecast is rain.
Six years ago I was induced and had no idea what laid ahead. I have my birth story on this blog a little further down, but we had the shock of our lives when our little (or big at 9pd3oz) was born critically ill. She showed us and the doctors that she was a fighter right from the start and it shows today with her determination, her love for life and her desire to do great things. At nearly 6 she says she wants to be a "clown doctor" cos she wants to make people better by making them laugh. Her laughter is contagious - especially when she gets her evil laugh happening. She is a protective big sister and has been from the moment she became a big sister - she calls Charlie "buddy" when she is trying to explain something to him. She can stir like the best of them - father has trained her well. She has the biggest heart, just wants to make friends with others and is crushed quite easily and whilst I would love to toughen her up, I don't want her to change....compassion is a trait that not a lot of people have nowadays. She has lost people in our families that were close to her - too young, but she totally understands it all...my little "old soul". She would love for us to have another bub and pesters a bit sometimes and this is why I cannot tell her if we conceive until I 'know' it will stick, she had to go through the ectopic thinking we were having a bub and then finding out we weren't and while she didn't seem to be affected...I don't want to get her hopes up over something like that. She just seems to know when I am having a 'bad day' and is so mature beyond her years at times.
I am excited for her celebrating the big 6, but I wish time would slow down.
Happy 6th Birthday baby girl - I love you more than life itself. xx
Six years ago I was induced and had no idea what laid ahead. I have my birth story on this blog a little further down, but we had the shock of our lives when our little (or big at 9pd3oz) was born critically ill. She showed us and the doctors that she was a fighter right from the start and it shows today with her determination, her love for life and her desire to do great things. At nearly 6 she says she wants to be a "clown doctor" cos she wants to make people better by making them laugh. Her laughter is contagious - especially when she gets her evil laugh happening. She is a protective big sister and has been from the moment she became a big sister - she calls Charlie "buddy" when she is trying to explain something to him. She can stir like the best of them - father has trained her well. She has the biggest heart, just wants to make friends with others and is crushed quite easily and whilst I would love to toughen her up, I don't want her to change....compassion is a trait that not a lot of people have nowadays. She has lost people in our families that were close to her - too young, but she totally understands it all...my little "old soul". She would love for us to have another bub and pesters a bit sometimes and this is why I cannot tell her if we conceive until I 'know' it will stick, she had to go through the ectopic thinking we were having a bub and then finding out we weren't and while she didn't seem to be affected...I don't want to get her hopes up over something like that. She just seems to know when I am having a 'bad day' and is so mature beyond her years at times.
I am excited for her celebrating the big 6, but I wish time would slow down.
Happy 6th Birthday baby girl - I love you more than life itself. xx
Friday, January 13, 2012
The next step in my journey.
I need something else to focus on - get me away from thinking about wanting another bub at the moment, otherwise it will do my head in - literally.
Something I have wanted to do for over 6mths is the 12WBT program by Michelle Bridges. If you haven't heard of it, then check it out - www.12wbt.com. For various reasons or excuses I haven't done it.......I used the 'trying to have a bub' excuse, the 'not having money' (really haven't had the money) - but this will drive my determination to make it work for me and to make sure I stick to it and to begin with I thought "why? when I have lost over 13kgs by myself".............well why have I???
Here are the reasons and motivators.
So fasten your seat belt for the roller-coaster ride that will be the 12WBT experience.
Something I have wanted to do for over 6mths is the 12WBT program by Michelle Bridges. If you haven't heard of it, then check it out - www.12wbt.com. For various reasons or excuses I haven't done it.......I used the 'trying to have a bub' excuse, the 'not having money' (really haven't had the money) - but this will drive my determination to make it work for me and to make sure I stick to it and to begin with I thought "why? when I have lost over 13kgs by myself".............well why have I???
Here are the reasons and motivators.
- I have seen a few big inspirations who have succeeded with this program first hand
- I will be fully supported with the program supplying my shopping lists and workout routine.
- I am stagnate with the weight loss by myself
- I have two awesome kids that deserve an active mum
- I want to give those two kids a brother or sister so why not be healthy in the lead up
- Due to bouts of gestational diabetes I have had while pregnant, my chances of having late onset diabetes are a lot higher - why not reduce some of the chances with the weight issue.
- I want to be confident, I want to love what I see in the mirror.
- I want to be the best possible role model I can be for my kids
- I want to be fit!!
- My husband - my biggest fan and supporter of this - he doesn't care for a skinny wife, but he does want a healthy, more active wife and more than anything a confident wife.
So fasten your seat belt for the roller-coaster ride that will be the 12WBT experience.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Theres a fine line between..........
It's the start of a famous line/song - "there's a fine line between pleasure and pain"...it's also the start of many adapted phrases. The one I will present you with is "there's a fine line between keeping positive/having hopes up and being unrealistic"..........am I right??
I woke up last tuesday morning to what I had already feared - a miscarriage (see previous post if you want more on that bit) I had my cry and I dealt with it before going to the doctor that afternoon. I was at peace with what had happened and I was ready to focus on what was ahead. I did allow myself my time to cry and my time to deal with what I had to, but I have two children that need their mummy and they need her there in the present not thinking about "what ifs". So when I went to the doctor, I was 'dealing' with it (for want of a better phrase). I then had a doctor instill hope in me - he started telling me about how it isn't impossible that I may still be pregnant and to go and have an ultrasound. I started to think maybe there was hope and thought about the possibility that maybe we were dealing with low lying placenta. But no if I had of just listened to my instinct I knew in my heart this was not the case.
To any medical professional out there that deals with women that are possibly miscarrying - DO NOT instill hope - be realistic and prepare them for the worst.....if a miracle happens then this is brilliant, but if it doesn't then they don't crash and burn after you inflated their hopes. This is the second time I have had this happen.....last time I had to have surgery. This time I am certain it is not ectopic as the pain isn't there like it was last time.
From this I have realised that hindsight is a wonderful thing....or not. I know that under 6weeks is too early for an ultrasound - so why didn't I tell the doctor it would be a waste of time?? well that comes down to that little word "hope". I lost $95 and received a silly look from the guy at the ultrasound clinic. The "guy" asked why I was there as he didn't believe we would see anything, I knew this when I told him my doctor insisted on it, then his look said it all - a JOKE. I was so angry, we are on a tight budget lately and I couldn't afford to lose $95 out of my pocket and out of my budget. The other thing that frustrates me to tears is that after telling him my history, the doctor didn't get my hcg levels when he tested for my pregnancy. I have never been to a doctor that hasn't checked those levels - he simply got a positive/negative test done. HCG levels can be a huge indicator of something not being right, they can also be the only indicator of an ectopic - especially in my case. So I was angry....was I just looking for someone to be angry at over what happened?? ...yeah probably, but still GRRRRR!!
So I won't be going back to that particular doctor in future.
Lesson for today? Sometimes being positive or optimistic can blind you to what's realistic. Maybe I would have handled things better if the GP had just told me to have the tests done and not given us the idea that the pregnancy could be ok, maybe if I just used my common sense it wouldn't have hurt so much or at least it would have cushioned the fall. I didn't cry myself to sleep the first time I miscarried, I didn't cry when the door was opened to the spare room (currently storing baby stuff) and I didn't well up when someone mentioned it a few days later. It could just be where I am at and maybe wouldn't have made a difference, but I just can't help but think that have that bit of hope injected made the fall just that bit harder.
Thanks
I woke up last tuesday morning to what I had already feared - a miscarriage (see previous post if you want more on that bit) I had my cry and I dealt with it before going to the doctor that afternoon. I was at peace with what had happened and I was ready to focus on what was ahead. I did allow myself my time to cry and my time to deal with what I had to, but I have two children that need their mummy and they need her there in the present not thinking about "what ifs". So when I went to the doctor, I was 'dealing' with it (for want of a better phrase). I then had a doctor instill hope in me - he started telling me about how it isn't impossible that I may still be pregnant and to go and have an ultrasound. I started to think maybe there was hope and thought about the possibility that maybe we were dealing with low lying placenta. But no if I had of just listened to my instinct I knew in my heart this was not the case.
To any medical professional out there that deals with women that are possibly miscarrying - DO NOT instill hope - be realistic and prepare them for the worst.....if a miracle happens then this is brilliant, but if it doesn't then they don't crash and burn after you inflated their hopes. This is the second time I have had this happen.....last time I had to have surgery. This time I am certain it is not ectopic as the pain isn't there like it was last time.
From this I have realised that hindsight is a wonderful thing....or not. I know that under 6weeks is too early for an ultrasound - so why didn't I tell the doctor it would be a waste of time?? well that comes down to that little word "hope". I lost $95 and received a silly look from the guy at the ultrasound clinic. The "guy" asked why I was there as he didn't believe we would see anything, I knew this when I told him my doctor insisted on it, then his look said it all - a JOKE. I was so angry, we are on a tight budget lately and I couldn't afford to lose $95 out of my pocket and out of my budget. The other thing that frustrates me to tears is that after telling him my history, the doctor didn't get my hcg levels when he tested for my pregnancy. I have never been to a doctor that hasn't checked those levels - he simply got a positive/negative test done. HCG levels can be a huge indicator of something not being right, they can also be the only indicator of an ectopic - especially in my case. So I was angry....was I just looking for someone to be angry at over what happened?? ...yeah probably, but still GRRRRR!!
So I won't be going back to that particular doctor in future.
Lesson for today? Sometimes being positive or optimistic can blind you to what's realistic. Maybe I would have handled things better if the GP had just told me to have the tests done and not given us the idea that the pregnancy could be ok, maybe if I just used my common sense it wouldn't have hurt so much or at least it would have cushioned the fall. I didn't cry myself to sleep the first time I miscarried, I didn't cry when the door was opened to the spare room (currently storing baby stuff) and I didn't well up when someone mentioned it a few days later. It could just be where I am at and maybe wouldn't have made a difference, but I just can't help but think that have that bit of hope injected made the fall just that bit harder.
Thanks
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Another loss - still a loss.
I have had the unfortunate event of another miscarriage this week. It has hit me hard - I really wasn't prepared for it (I know that nobody is) and with the way I have been managing my depression, I tend to get warning signs to be able to prepare and cope with it. Most people get beyond events and "just deal with it" with my coping mechanism for depression, I rely on warning signs to get a grip and ride it through.....if I don't get those warning signs then it is a lot harder and a much bumpier road than it should be and when you throw hormones into it - well it is a bloody rollercoaster.
We have been trying to have a bub for 8mths (since I was given the all clear after the ectopic last year). So on Xmas day when I was late, had the symptoms of pregnancy for a week and was starting to suspect that maybe, just maybe we were finally expecting.....I waited for nearly a week when I went to the doctors to have a blood test done. It has been the most nerve wracking time - after last year and a miscarriage between our two kids, I was wanting to scream out with excitement, but was scared to be excited due to the "what if?".
So I had bloods done and was due to go to the doctor for results on
Tuesday arvo...........here is where it gets hard.
So I was getting ready to go to bed on Monday night when I realised I hadn't felt sick at all that night (for the last week I had felt sick every night almost to the point of being sick, but not quite) and then I realised that something probably wasn't right. I tossed and turned all night and could barely sleep. Then I was woken at 5am with cramping and bingo - my personal nightmare - I was bleeding and in my heart of hearts I knew I was losing this pregnancy. Anyone who has not had a miscarriage and some that have - may not think at 5 1/2 weeks it is much of a loss - but it breaks your heart (especially when you have been trying for a bub) and it sticks with you and you don't forget it. This one has hit me particularly hard due to how long we have been trying. Last time I miscarried we had only been 'trying' for 2 months and then I conceived our son 2mths after.....and it didn't affect me as hard as this has.
I feel a lot better now towards the end of the week - the only thing that hurts and saddens me is that I do notice more when I am out how some people treat their kids and it frustrates me when you see someone with 5kids(not always, but a lot lately) and they are clearly not being looked after and the parents are swearing at them and threatening to "flog" them in the middle of the shopping centre.
How is it that these women fall pregnant (with what appears to be)without any issues and can't appreciate their kids?
I have given myself my wallowing moment (for which I have every right to have) - I have been devastated and heartbroken to put it into words and many tears have flowed, but I am now on the up and up, I can't live life crying over things I cannot change - I am positive about what I have, we will try for another bub and if it happens it happens, if it doesn't then so be it - I wasn't meant to have anymore. Things like this make you realise what you have that is great in life - Family and friends. I have some amazing people in my life. I have people who care enough to say "are you ok?" - people underestimate the power of those three words. They mean a lot. I have people who care - text messages, phone calls, messages and posts on facebook.
A lady who I am pleased to have in my life held off her own special news to alleviate any pain it may have caused me ~ thank you for your thoughts and consideration.
The best thing is, I am more pleased for any of my friends and family who have fallen pregnant around me and had bubs - I love to share in their bubs growing. I could never wish what happened to me to happen on anyone it is not the greatest experience to go through. Their miracles give me hope.
It's the old story - "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I have the most amazing support behind me - a husband who is lost to know what to say or do, but is just there ~ which is what I need most. He must be feeling it too, but doesn't show it so much.....he just wants to 'make it all better'. Our marriage only gets stronger when we go through loss - we don't push the other away. Our kids would adore another bub in the house, so we won't tell them we are ever expecting a bub until I see the heartbeat....although they might understand they don't deserve to have their excited bubble busted.
Thank you xx
We have been trying to have a bub for 8mths (since I was given the all clear after the ectopic last year). So on Xmas day when I was late, had the symptoms of pregnancy for a week and was starting to suspect that maybe, just maybe we were finally expecting.....I waited for nearly a week when I went to the doctors to have a blood test done. It has been the most nerve wracking time - after last year and a miscarriage between our two kids, I was wanting to scream out with excitement, but was scared to be excited due to the "what if?".
So I had bloods done and was due to go to the doctor for results on
Tuesday arvo...........here is where it gets hard.
So I was getting ready to go to bed on Monday night when I realised I hadn't felt sick at all that night (for the last week I had felt sick every night almost to the point of being sick, but not quite) and then I realised that something probably wasn't right. I tossed and turned all night and could barely sleep. Then I was woken at 5am with cramping and bingo - my personal nightmare - I was bleeding and in my heart of hearts I knew I was losing this pregnancy. Anyone who has not had a miscarriage and some that have - may not think at 5 1/2 weeks it is much of a loss - but it breaks your heart (especially when you have been trying for a bub) and it sticks with you and you don't forget it. This one has hit me particularly hard due to how long we have been trying. Last time I miscarried we had only been 'trying' for 2 months and then I conceived our son 2mths after.....and it didn't affect me as hard as this has.
I feel a lot better now towards the end of the week - the only thing that hurts and saddens me is that I do notice more when I am out how some people treat their kids and it frustrates me when you see someone with 5kids(not always, but a lot lately) and they are clearly not being looked after and the parents are swearing at them and threatening to "flog" them in the middle of the shopping centre.
How is it that these women fall pregnant (with what appears to be)without any issues and can't appreciate their kids?
I have given myself my wallowing moment (for which I have every right to have) - I have been devastated and heartbroken to put it into words and many tears have flowed, but I am now on the up and up, I can't live life crying over things I cannot change - I am positive about what I have, we will try for another bub and if it happens it happens, if it doesn't then so be it - I wasn't meant to have anymore. Things like this make you realise what you have that is great in life - Family and friends. I have some amazing people in my life. I have people who care enough to say "are you ok?" - people underestimate the power of those three words. They mean a lot. I have people who care - text messages, phone calls, messages and posts on facebook.
A lady who I am pleased to have in my life held off her own special news to alleviate any pain it may have caused me ~ thank you for your thoughts and consideration.
The best thing is, I am more pleased for any of my friends and family who have fallen pregnant around me and had bubs - I love to share in their bubs growing. I could never wish what happened to me to happen on anyone it is not the greatest experience to go through. Their miracles give me hope.
It's the old story - "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I have the most amazing support behind me - a husband who is lost to know what to say or do, but is just there ~ which is what I need most. He must be feeling it too, but doesn't show it so much.....he just wants to 'make it all better'. Our marriage only gets stronger when we go through loss - we don't push the other away. Our kids would adore another bub in the house, so we won't tell them we are ever expecting a bub until I see the heartbeat....although they might understand they don't deserve to have their excited bubble busted.
Thank you xx
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