Do you really know what people are going through behind closed doors???

......Usually not.
So many people are very good at disguising what their life is really like and before I get to far into this post I must point out that I am not having a whinge in this post, but purely pointing out facts.  Anyway as I was saying about people disguising - sure people complain (we all need to vent) about their lives and things that might be going great or on the downer, things that are going really bad....but usually it's a case of slight exaggeration for example if something great or good is happening we may hype it up to being fantastic, which I am guilty of as I try to look at the positives and if that means making something good into something fantastic then I do...but I don't mess with the facts in doing so, I just get excited over little things especially if we have had a run of bad luck. Then you have the people that make bad times the worst times (granted sometimes they are the worst of times, but could be worse really) or on the opposite end - they hide how bad the bad times are because they either don't wish to burden others with it or they simply find positives in the situation and see that the storm will clear eventually. I talk about my bad times, but I only usually describe how bad they are in this blog - to vent. We have had bad times, we haven't had worse than others or maybe any different to others in the grand scheme of things, but we have had times that have tried us and tried our relationship. Losing loved ones have been hard, not having money when we have really needed it have been bad, but we get through it and in the end for us I think it strengthens our relationship.

The last month has been testing, the last year has been testing and the last 6years have been testing in one form or another, but in 6years we have gotten married, had two wonderful kids and have another on the way, we have made some huge changes including packing everything up and moving away from our family that have only had positives come out of it.

So all of this came from somebody making a comment on Facebook about a comment I made, I don't know this person but it's funny how we judge or how this person judged - and I wonder if she spent week with me whether her view would change - or is she one of these people that has their head up their arse and doesn't ever want to see the view from the other side. I don't know her, I can't judge her, but the judgement was quickly made on others from her part.

As I said from the beginning this is not a "poor me" post, we are in the place we are today because of the decisions we made yesterday and the days before that. I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason and I most certainly wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for the experiences I have been through and I wouldn't have the great things in my life if I hadn't taken the direction I have.....so with all the negative there are far more positives in life and although a few extra dollars would help sometimes, I think we appreciate things more when we have to live without those dollars for a bit.

So what's a week like in my world??  The week starts with a day at home, tuesdays are spent taking our son to playgroup at the school so he can play with his friends and I can catch up on P&C bits and pieces if there are any and catching up with the mums usually followed by a hospital appointment which takes at least 2hours out of my day, Wednesday Charlie is at Kindy and usually it is my day to catch up on housework - washing, cleaning, working (yep I work from home), and setting up a budget for the following week - mainly doing up a shopping list to our tight budget and working out what bills can be paid this week and what can wait til next week, Thursday is errand day - I can go to town, put fuel in the car, get groceries done and anything else that NEEDS to be done whilst in town - this is if there is nothing I am helping with at the school, Friday is play date time or home day - I work from home so every day or night I am doing emails of some sort and it includes weekends, plus with our P&C being busy this year we have events a lot so also helping with that....on top of these I am 16wks pregnant and this is the first week I have had the energy to not fall asleep in the afternoon due to being so sick with morning sickness, then a cold and ear infection and just general pregnancy tiredness.  My days are pretty packed and now that I look at this I know why I can't find the time to spend catching up with friends like I would like.

What is life like?? before I answer I must say I am actually happy - this same life a few years ago would have had a breakdown as this would have triggered major anxiety attacks for me and depression break downs. I am so incredibly strong now compared to then and I feel in control so I don't feel this could get to me. So what life is like - it's financially a struggle at the moment - you don't expect your hubby to lose his job when you thought everything was stable.....and to know it was a personal reason it cuts a bit more. We were just starting to make ends meet and catch up after the change to this job (on a commission job - when jobs change it takes a while to recover from it). So we have gone from potentially 2 weeks from being up to date and possibly be able to put money away to nothing and a husband out of work. EEK! So we have been going backwards and it will take a bit to catch up again - this means tiny grocery budget - which we can live with, but with the demands of a gestational diabetes diet where it can be tricky then yes it can be hard to get within that budget and still have the food I need for the week. I meal plan quite easily, so it's not hard to scrape through most of the time - it's the week (like this week) where I have to buy insulin which will cost about $60 which might hurt a bit...lol. We don't buy new clothes, I can't remember the last time I bought a new piece of clothing for myself - oh wait I do remember - it was a pair of jeans on clearance in December for $10 at Target - did I mention I have lost over 12kgs so I have needed to buy clothes, but have managed to pick up a few things from the op shops which are more than suitable and nobody knows or cares where my clothes are from - the kids stuff, I have bought new - $2 stand at clearance stands when I see them and if I have the money. I don't care anymore that I can't buy stuff all the time, I have gotten used to not being able to - I stay away from the shops so I don't have the desires and I have grown to become very anti -materialistic in so many ways - it is clutter. We have clothes that fit - I was most days so we have clothes to wear we don't need a ton of clothes. The kids are getting less toys - they simply prefer to play outside and don't play with what they have a lot, so we don't buy them much - we tend to buy them practical items like crafts, learning activities they like and stuff to take camping or to the beach. I have had to put more money into fuel due to extra trips to the hospital now...but the things we NEED to do get done, the stuff that we don't need gets pushed to the side. The tight financial situation means I make excuses not to go to places and miss out on things because we can't afford it and it can be embarrassing - but I know others are in the same position. I would love to be with family this weekend, but a trip to Brisbane is out of the question, so I will miss out on seeing my grandmother whom I haven't seen for nearly 2years...(ok so now I have tears). We make sacrifices, but we keep the roof over our head and we get three meals a day and clothes on our backs - a lot more than others out there.

The part that has me feeling guilty at times is when the kids miss out on stuff.....like going to the show - something I used to do every year as a kid and have a ball - this year we can't afford to and last year we couldn't due to me being sick - I feel that the roof over our heads comes first in rent needs to paid and fuel in the cars and some bills paid - there isn't much left at all and certainly not enough to take them to the show which guts me a bit. We do have a fair at the school in July where I hope to make it up to them a bit. When they were younger it wouldn't had bothered them - but when you have a 6year old that goes to school and friends talk about going to the show, obviously she is feeling like she is missing out. A bit over a month ago the circus came to town and she really wanted to go - but $125 a family was a huge cost for an outing and we didn't have the funds. On mothers day we went to a local park and they had rides for the kids- of course the kids pestered and wanted to go on, I didn't have cash on me and the sad part is, I couldn't have gone and withdrawn cash if I wanted to with fear of not knowing if we would make it through the week. This is my reality - you can judge all you like now you know where I live at this very moment, but if you knew why we were here you might not judge so much....but I can't go into that right now. The beauty is that we have a light at the end of our tunnel and it's almost close enough to touch. A big debt is about to be clear and will leave us with money in the bank at the end of the week and the ability to breath just a little and focus on getting ahead with everything else.  I know there are so many people that are in the same boat as us - it is a reality, but there are many worse off than us...our kids are healthy, we are healthy, we have a bub on the way and we have a roof over our heads and food on the table every night - even if a few nights it is spaghetti and baked beans - who cares?? we are fed and it doesn't make me less of a person - I still have very good close friends and I still have ME and a strong relationship with my husband. I really can't ask for anything else. It is an inconvenience, but we will get through it.

This is why I get frustrated with people who cry poor and go and buy a car the following week, or buy their kids all brand new laptops then cry because they can't afford their mortgage payment for the week because they just spent $3000 on xmas presents.  

It's official - Baby number 3 is a reality.

Very very excited household here as we countdown to the arrival of our newest addition. At this point bub will be born around October 24th - but is due November 7th. 38week induction thanks to the early arrival of Gestational diabetes again - although it is throwing up some theories for the Endocrinologist that has a file for me at Royal Brisbane Women's Hospital......that's a whole other story....so back to the baby.

It is going to be very different this time round - we kept it quiet for a while due to the fact that we needed to know it was going to stick first....now that's a certainty as I am at 15weeks!!!
We are not finding out the sex....well at the moment its a "we" are not finding out, but I am the weakest link and have good sight for ultrasounds so I may well find out, but I am under strict orders not to tell Matt if I see anything.....therefore nobody else will know if I find out by accident lol. We won't be announcing a name until birth either - which a lot of people do, but I mean nobody knows out names - not even my mum, who I would ordinarily share it with. My mother was not impressed when she found out that piece of news lol.....but fairly sure she should be over it by now. The other difference which is the most obvious difference is that we are doing this without family close - my mum will be here when bub is born and is taking holidays to stay, but that's it....and I am dealing with a regional hospital - which brings me to my next paragraph and my rant against the Bundaberg Base Hospital HATERS!!!

OK so while I think people are justified to have an opinion (sometimes....I do think some people just have an opinion to piss others off and maybe I am one of those people lol) I think the BBH (Bundaberg Base Hospital) haters need to take a hike. I cannot say a bad word about the hospital and I have had experience with about 4 different hospitals - three of them in the city and BBH is well and truly above them in regards to treatment. If you go through my posts in the last 18mths you will see that I have had my fair share of appointments through the hospital for myself and my kids. I am currently classified as having a high risk pregnancy for a couple of reasons - reason one- early onset of gestational diabetes which has seen me on insulin very early - reason two- I have a history of early miscarriage. I have been under exclusive hospital care since week 7 of the pregnancy, I have been to the hospital every week for check ups (mainly for diabetes) and yes it means that I am going to have a long pregnancy with all these appointments, but nobody can fault them on it. I don't intend on staying in hospital for long - if everything is fine - one night and I will be out, cannot be out same day due to monitoring of bub for low sugars, but I won't be in there longer than I need to be, I just don't see the point in it.....the only thing that scares the crap out of me is that I have heard that you are left to labour on ward until you are about 8cms dialated - I don't like this purely because I will feel the lack of privacy being two-bed rooms and all...so fingers crossed there isn't anyone in the bed next to me when I am going through it as I won't go into labour at home so it will be a longish process unless I have a similar round as last time. 

General concerns that have come up with being pregnant again apart from the obvious medical ones with me.....it has hit me that it will be 4 1/2 yrs since I have had a newborn - and lets face it that is an eternity - I kind of feel like I am having my first bub again, I vaguely remember how to bath a newborn, I have gotten used to getting a full nights sleep (god help me on this one), we are starting from the start with baby furniture again - so it's remembering what we need?? versus what we want - we don't need as much as we had with the older kids. What can you feed them when they start solids? and more importantly what NOT to feed them lol....I know I remember what my kids ate - but it tends to change every 3mths as to what's good and what isn't.

Hayley and Charlie cannot wait for their baby to arrive - it has taken some convincing for Charlie to finally realise this is not just my baby, but it's his baby too. Now he comes up to me all the time and says "mummy can I cuddle my baby" this is so incredibly cute it nearly brings tears to my eyes. Every night now he comes up and kisses my belly and says "I am kissing my baby good night mum", he has become obsessed with babies from the moment we told them we are having the bub. Hayley on the other hand is quiet about it, she will ask questions every so often and was concerned with how sick I was to begin with, but otherwise all that she has really said is " I hope it's a girl", I am sure once we can feel the kicks outside of my stomach she will be more involved and I just know she wants to help with bub. Charlie will be a little mummy I can see it now - he is so maternal. It is making me more aware of how grown up they both are, I just want to bundle them up so they never grow up and have to deal with the adult world.

What took us so long to decide on wanting to have another baby?

I can't say that we will have a huge gap between number 2 and number 3 (if it happens for us), but with us facing over a 4 1/2 year + gap it is not an average gap - it is about 18mths more than ideal, but very few people really get a choice in an age gap - and really what is the perfect gap? If you ask my mum she would say 17 -18mths-  which is great if you can plan it, but it is almost too close for me. Hayley and Charlie are 27mths apart, well nearly anyway and I love the gap between them, Hayley was well and truly walking, out of the pram most of the time, could have been toilet trained and was 6mths later.....I think it is a great gap now, but when Charlie was a newborn and Hayley was going through "the terrible 2's" it was really hard....Hayley was a delayed talker as well so it made the terrible 2's that much harder. My only main concern about a bigger age gap is that the baby would be a little like an only child with developments as they grow older.......however I am very in touch with friends with babies, so play dates would be frequent. I can't choose the age gap, I have decided that if we are not pregnant by the end of the month though - that will be it - no babies, but if it happens for it, I am hardly going to complain. I have been through heartbreak to get here and our older two will love and protect it regardless.....oh and maybe baby it.
Back to the question and answer - I have obviously had a journey through depression, I found two kids relatively close quite hard to adjust to and give them the attention they needed when I was working and trying to establish a business -money wasn't great either - we then decided on a sea change and at about the same time decided to think about have another baby. I don't go through easy pregnancies - I end up a insulin dependent gestation diabetic-- which in turn means lots of medical appointments to monitor me and bub, it means expense -insulin is not cheap, it means a bigger baby and usually induction at 38weeks. With my first two kids it also meant 18wks of morning sickness.....and YES that would be enough to turn you off having any more for a while. I can handle the gestational diabetes - it does scare me when I am read the statistics of how many women develop type 2 diabetes later in life because of it - but I am trying to fight that with my current weight loss journey.....my kids are also at risk of type 2 which is lifestyle affected. Having a sister with type 1 diabetes means I see how it affects someone to live with the disease 24/7 for life.....I only have to deal with it for 9mths.

"...but remember at the end of the day you have two beautiful, healthy kids"

Another phrase I hear far too much in my quest to have baby number three - so what? because I want another child and it is taking a bit of a journey to get there (not my choice) I don't appreciate our kids?? OK here is a snippet for you - yep we are wanting another baby! If you for one minute think that I appreciate my daughter and son any less because of that - YOU ARE WRONG! If anything I appreciate them more and I enjoy them more and I cherish the moments I have with them more.
Apparently because we have a daughter and a son - we shouldn't want another child?? this makes no sense to me at all - since when did the sex of a child factor into it. When I was a little girl - I had a vision of having three kids. After the birth of our son - I had for a while decided -no more, I was struggling with (unknown to me at the time) depression, I was overwhelmed and didn't think I wanted any more children  - and the truth is, I couldn't have any more children at the time because I needed to sort my own health out. When I got my "head" sorted and got myself back to me and in control, then I realised our family was incomplete. It has taken 18mths so far with no baby, it means our son turns 4 next month and we will have a larger age gap than first desired. We have a cut off time to conceive and will decide at that time that "it wasn't meant to happen" and we will move onto our next goal - a huge holiday. I am a huge believer in fate - if something is meant to happen it will - I went through an ectopic and miscarriage because I needed to, the universe was testing me and my strength - it was the HUGEST lesson the hardest times, but I came through it. I KNOW I have two perfectly healthy kids, that I love and cherish every day....I don't need  you to tell me that like I have forgotten....do you realise how that makes me feel?? Step a day in someone elses shoes to realise. Step into my shoes from the last few years to see the walls that have been put in front of me and I have climbed. Do not for one minute think I don't realise what is in front of me I tear up as it is knowing how quickly they are growing-  my baby starts school next year and I can't tell you how much I will miss his personality around the house all day, my little girl will be in year2 next year and she is an incredibly intelligent little girl. Don't ever doubt how much I appreciate my kids.

Week 2 weigh in....

So I weighed in and had only lost 700grams - little disheartening when I put a lot of work into this week, but I think I may be retaining a little fluid at the moment, so I will feel better when that releases. Then I also remembered about the scales not really being a factor - look at your measurements, so I measured myself to find amazing results - I have lost 21.5cms off my measurements in 2weeks -which is very uplifting......then I did a photo of my face to see the difference and posted my heaviest pic next to the current facial shot on facebook for family and friends to see -OMG I can tell the difference, I really can! and more so  - others can and that nearly made me cry. At my heaviest, I was in the deepest depression - as you can read in earlier posts...I have really done a full circle mentally, now it's the physical that is transforming..you cannot wipe the grin off my face. I am doing cartwheels when I am not at goal weight and only two weeks in! Why??? because I am seeing results, I am now 19kgs down from my heaviest, I am feeling good and I am organised.........AND I am mentally well. 
I know that I am feeling great because some of the negativity has cleared - a person who I thought was a friend has removed me/shut me out/ blocked me from her life and for some reason I am not affected, but amused more than anything-------why???? because I didn't have the issue - she had the issue, jealousy is a curse and it can eat you alive. If you feel like you have to exaggerate or lie to yourself, your friends and family just to feel good, then something isn't right! I can talk and be myself with any of my friends, so I guess this person hasn't been a friend for a while.....the "one-up" syndrome is nasty. I am blessed to have beautiful, positive people in my life that are there anytime I need them and know that if they need me I am right here.

Well blow me down - 3 posts in 2 days- HELLO!

Well learning to cut things out of your lifestyle is fairly easy when you want it to be. If you are not ready for a change - NEWSFLASH it's going to be like pulling teeth and simply won't happen. You will fight through it for a week - then give up because it is all too hard.
My biggest struggle with 12WBT to date has been exercise, I haven't been well, so have used that as an excuse- but I know I need to incorporate it into everyday life and I am adjusting --even if it is at a bit of a snails pace. I feel great when I go out and get my huge walk part jog done in the mornings....for a girl that was not a morning person it has taken some adjusting.
SO what are the things I have had to cut out of my diet?? for the better of course - and let me say I am really not missing them as I have my alternatives.

• Cheese
• McDonalds frappes - these were hard to kick, but when you find they are worth 514cals - it isn't too hard.
• Processed meats and processed foods in general
• take away food - wasn't a big one for us as I took a lot of it out 12mths ago
• flavoured drinks - mainly cordial - found an alternative, but drink a lot more water now.
• Cut back on the bread intake
• meal sauces - prebottled, packaged etc.....GONE
• ice cream
• milk shakes
• desserts - hard when I am feeling for something sweet
• hot chips  - was a little hard, but now the thought of them makes be sick a bit. 
• crackers/dip/kabana etc - loved party snacks - I will have alternatives for future get togethers

To be honest - thinking up that list was a lot harder than I thought it would be, I am really scratching hard to think about everything I have had to give up because my focus is always about what I have and what I can eat, rather than what I can't. The choices of food I have now is phenomenal, so I really have nothing to complain about. My simple philosophy is - if it has not nutritional benefit for my body then I won't have it. There are going to be times when we go out for dinner at a friends house or family's house where I have no control over what I eat, but I have control over portion size and that is a big thing. I love the recipes and the variety coming out of 12WBT so it really isn't hard work and yet rather exciting when the next weeks meal plan comes out. 12WBT is unlike a lot of programs-  you have to prepare the food yourself so it is much easier to create a habit of it and start learning about portion sizes, you get your menu, shopping list and recipes every week it is made so easy, none of this - here is your food or shakes, live on these until you get to your desired weight and then stop and see how you go - you really have the ability to change your life.

Cheers. 
-

Being aware of surroundings....

Since starting my weight loss journey last year, I have become increasingly aware of how people around me behave in regards to eating habits and shopping for food - not so much family and friends, but people I see out and about.
Today I noticed a woman at a supermarket who was talking to someone else. The woman looked not much older than me, if not the same age, however probably weighed about 30kgs more than me. She was discussing her health and all of the medications she is on for all of her ailments. Cream for her feet as they were "falling apart", blood pressure medications and cholesterol meds to name a few.....a young woman!!!! It's noticing things like this that make me so motivated to rid of my weight for good and never have a weight problem again. I am sure if she lost the 60kgs+ that she is overweight she would be rid of all of her health problems. It saddens me and frustrates me all at once.
I also become aware of what is in peoples trolleys an their sizes. Another scenario I saw was a mother with her two children both aged between 8 and 12 probably. Their trolley was loaded - I mean balancing things on top - living in a rural area then it is something you see sometimes with people doing a monthly shop, but this woman didn't have much milk or bread which would ordinarily indicate a monthly shop....she had a loaded trolley of school snacks, softdrink, sugary cordials, flavoured milks and boxes of processed meals and 'heat and eat' style meals........the children had weight problems-  and I am talking lots of weight around their stomachs..........I grew up with weight, but I wasn't this big. This frustrates me to no end- you as an adult have the choice of what you eat and you might want to poison yourself, but don't do it to your children - your kids watch what you do! Why do you think I am changing things.
We haven't had soft drink in the house for years now, but our children were never drinking it, we have never had much processed foods in the house the biggest issue I have had with my own weight battles is a mixture of mental health, large portion sizes, poor snack choices, no exercise and not knowing anything about calories. We couldn't afford takeaway food more than once a month- my kids take a yoghurt, piece of fruit or two and a sandwich to school. They don't need or want more than that as they don't have time to eat them AND I don't want them hypo at school - their bodies cannot handle sugary snacks. They get a treat from tuck-shop - but it is all in moderation, they come home from school and have a piece of fruit and then their dinner which is the same as we eat. They are not fussy eaters, but when our daughter was a toddler you could put a plate of hot chips in front of her with a side of salad and she would eat the salad without much interest in chips - she loved her tomatoes and strawberries more than anything.
I really wish people could see what they are doing to children - McDonalds (in my book) shouldn't be touched on a weekly basis- maybe once a month, but preferably never. It is disgusting. Since detoxing off sugary foods and "easy" options, I really cannot even handle the smell of it - makes my stomach turn. Now that kilojoule counts have to be shown on all fast food restaurant menus - it is easy to see how unhealthy it is - the only thing that I was really hooked to at McDonalds was their chocolate swirl frappes.........well to my horror since learning about calories and converting KJs to calories, I have found that just a small size of that frappe = 514calories!!!!!!! WOW that is huge, how huge??? well I am allowed up to 350cals for a whole main meal - so 514 is nearly 1.5 times that - it is a lot and it makes me sick to know how many of those I used to drink.

Anyone can come and have a look at my pantry and fridge - it is all nutritious and clean food and I am so incredibly proud of it.