2012 - What's ahead?

If you go by facebook - 2011 looks as though it was the worst year on record, I notice a lot of people's negative posts about the year that was - maybe because they had a break up from a boyfriend or two, or maybe they didn't get what they wanted. Granted there are a few friends of mine that have a right to say they had a bad year - they lost loved ones, they lost their house in a disaster, they have had sick kids all year or they have lost a child. Sadly it's not these people complaining. Your year in a lot of cases is what you make of it. You determine how good or bad it is by what you focus on - focus on the positive and your year was a great one and chances are 2012 will be even better. Your life can be as great or as bad as you want it to be in a lot of cases. I forgot about the negative things that happened in 2011 when looking back and thought we had a fantastic year - then someone points out the negatives of that year and it turned out to be an average year.........but I won't focus on the negatives of surgeries and heartache....I want to be a positive role model for my kids.
A good friend of mine went to hell and back earlier last year and her outcome for the year was positive and inspirational at that...I love that I have so many positive people in my life. I have cut a lot of negative out in the last 12-18mths and it has been a huge weight lifted.
Our 2011 was -

• Hayley's first year of school and did brilliantly
• Charlie's first full year of Kindy,
• Hayley learnt to swim
• Charlie had his tonsils and adenoids out and for that is now a much better sleeper
• a year of realisation that 2012 is going to be huge with the clearance of debt
• our first year of our sea change which saw me make some truly beautiful friends
• my first year on a P&C committee
• Matt getting a job in the role he has worked hard for. 
• The start of our camping collection - ready for our adventures
• Discovery of hidden gems/places that not many people experience
• Witnessing friends get married
• Lots of new babies arrived around us.
• Matt and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. 
• Hayley had her first sleepover
• My business flourished
• And perhaps a little bit of miracle news of our own

So many great things - the rest I can't quite think of at the moment.......so what will 2012 bring? whilst I can't tell most of it as I am not phsychic, I know for certain

• We will celebrate Mum's 50th with her this month.
• Hayley will turn 6 in January and complete year one this year
•  Charlie will turn 4 in April and finish Preschool ready to start prep
• Charlie will learn how to swim
• Hayley will learn how to ride her bike without training wheels
• We will camp at least once
• We will clear a debt that has been over our heads for 8years collectively. 
• My business will grow further
• And we may buy our first home at last.
• We will have more babies around us = many friends having babies early in the year :)

What else will 2012 bring is anyone's guess, but we are excited for the coming year for all that's above and more and it will bring far more positive than negative again. What will your 2012 bring?

Positive light

So I can't leave a largely negative post, without having a positive one.
My positive lights right now are our kid's and my marriage. I love my family more than life itself - our kids make me laugh every day and some days they also have me tearing my hair out - which can only be normal. They inspire me daily with their wit and their curiosity with the world. I love their innocence and never want them to ever lose it. I fall in love with my husband every day - no lie....I am crazy about this man. He has been through thick and thin with me and with his own life, he still makes my heart flutter and still makes me go weak in the knees with his smile...( I know puke worthy material right there), but he is my everything and we are stronger than ever. I am so thankful for what we have and although I have this niggling desire to add another baby to our family, I just don't think it is going to happen - on this subject the head and the heart are very much on two different paths.
2011 has been a rollercoaster for myself right from the start - but we have had such a great year. Hayley has finished her first year of school and I am going into the last year of having Charlie home - cannot believe he will be in school in 2013. My business is picking up and Matt is finally in a job he loves and in a position he has worked hard to achieve - which makes me soo proud. We are settled in here at Coral Cove and I simply couldn't imagine living anywhere else. I have some fantastic friends who have helped me a lot this year and I am grateful for their friendships and support.

It is now nearly 1am -- better log off I spose - finished on a positive note!

Frustrations.

Usually I don't vent too much, but every so often I have something that really ticks me off and then I need to  -and if you have read any of my previous posts about my earlier struggles with depression, than you would know that writing is my therapy.
This particular topic of frustration is a touchy one and liable to cause some people or a person to snap and delete me off their friend's list on Facebook, but if you can't take what I say and accept it as a vent on my part and I will be over it (I hope), then you aren't really a 'friend' and you probably don't deserve me as a friend. Everyone is entitled to their opinion  - this one is mine, if you don't wanna know about it  - STOP reading now!

I have a varied group of friends that I have met over the years, from a few from school days to my more recent friends that I have met here in Bundy and would love to see more of.....with varied friends comes varied situations - varied households, varied ages and varied stages in life with family and varied financial situations - all of these situations we get ourselves into whether we like it or not, we can try and blame the world, but ultimately we have made the decisions that put us in these situations.
My husband and I have taken a very long and painful road to get ourselves nearly into a financial position to buy our first home - we have learnt a lot of lessons along the way and we are still learning and more than anything hoping we can get a home before the market jumps ahead of us.

Lessons we have learnt have included budgeting in it's every facet. We have struggled (like most people) with debts, but it is so satisfying to know we have worked our butts off to be in a position of clearing and paying it off ourselves this year. Most people don't know just how hard it has been at times - but we have always come out the other side fine  - we have all been fed and we have always had a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs - we haven't always had a nice car, the best clothes, the latest gadgets or had the money to treat ourselves to dinner out, but we have done well with what have had.

So WHAT has frustrated me to ramble on about the above - simple - people who complain to others that they have NO money and are struggling to put food on the table and pay their bills and yet - suddenly have the money for things that I would call extravagant spending. If you suddenly have extra money after struggling to feed yourselves- don't waste it on unnecessary, materialistic items - put the money away. If you have a couple of thousand in savings and have gone at least 3months of not having to stress about how you are going to pay rent for the week - then go ahead and treat yourself to your new furniture. The other thing that annoys me (while I am ranting) is when someone goes out and buys extravagant things when clearly they can't afford it and then decides within a few months that - oh dear we really can't afford these, lets sell them. ARGHHH!! Such a waste - you lose so much money doing this as you never recoup your costs and then you are so desperate for money you take whatever you can get for them.

I don't profess to be a money expert - in fact I can profess to being hopeless with money a lot more than I am great with it , but I am getting a lot better very quickly-  I am so sick of wasted money and watching others do the above - these examples make me realise I am a lot better with money than others. I like to live comfortably and within our means. We don't have credit cards anymore, we don't go out for dinner unless it is a super special occasion, I do try and give my kid's a birthday party - even if it's simple every birthday - because I think they deserve it, it is usually an afternoon tea with cake with their friends or just family, but sometimes we will take it elsewhere and pay for a bigger birthday - I haven't hired a jumping castle, for one we have never had the space for one and secondly we just can't justify the expense....sure the kid's love it, but they love going to a play centre too and for the same price or less they will supply the food, set it up and clean it up for you.  I would like to think we are getting a lot smarter with our finances - we spend half the amount on groceries to what we used to, I budget monthly and weekly and I try to be strict with it - especially with hubby's job change. Me being strict with our budget means I can stay at home and not have to work, it means we sacrifice a few things, but I believe me being home for the kid's is more important than me being at work full time and spoiling them with materialistic items. Our light at the end of the tunnel is coming up before tax time this year and we will be celebrating when we reach the end of this tunnel - it has been a (nearly) 9year journey, but we are nearly there - if you try and take short cuts it ends up a longer road. I do have some tips for those out there that may genuinely be struggling and want to know how we get through our "tight weeks" as I like to call them. See below - there are a lot of fantastic blogs out there that are dedicated to money saving tips - so go and find them will be my first tip.

• Seriously shop at ALDI - this has saved me a minimum of $50 a week. Most of their food is comparable to known name brands - you don't need brand names in the cupboard, put them in a container and nobody knows any different and it is a lot cheaper. Their prices are online so it makes life easier with budgeting. 
• Spend the time to write lists and shop to the list. If you get to the supermarket and think you have forgotten to write something on the list - too bad, go without it - either you didn't need it and still have some at home, or you do adjust and can go without it for a week - if you truely need it you can go to the shop and pick it up during the week. 
• Shop to catalogues - I know ALDI doesn't stock everything, but shop to catalogues for the rest of your weekly needs - whoever has the items on sale gets your business. 
• Shop from the markets - if you have farmers at your market - then buy direct, you will get fresher produce that will last longer and you usually get it a lot cheaper. I am fortunate to live near farms that sell some things direct and I save a lot of money. 
• Buy in season - fruit and veg is a lot fresher and cheaper if you buy in season. 
• Buy your meat in bulk and freeze and buy from a butcher - this will save you bucket loads AND the meat is usually far better quality. My butcher's prices are pretty unbeatable and his prices are regular so I know before I get there how much I am going to spend and what I am going to be able to get. Mince and Chicken is a staple in this household.
• Shop from your pantry - go through your pantry and make a menu for the week based on your panty and then you just need to make up your shopping list from the menu....takes a bit of time to get used to, but once it's habit it will not only save you money, but will save you having to wonder what's for dinner.
• You don't have to eat meat every night - have some vegetarian nights - noodles, spaghetti on toast, omelets etc. they are cheap and at the end of a busy day - EASY. 
• You could try doing a cooking day - Sunday spend half a day pre- cooking meals and freezing so you can just reheat and eat - not everybody's cup of tea and certainly not mine, but if you are busy it can be better than having take aways. 
• Make your own fast food - we have homemade hamburgers and pizzas a lot. Since our move we live 20mins from town - very inconvenient for junk food, but great considering I have lost a lot of weight- homemade is def. the way to go - much healthier, you know what's in it and really doesn't take much to make. 
• You can have treats, but make them small - you don't need to go on a huge splurge. 
• Avoid shopping centres for 'something to do' you will only spend money that you don't have. I don't go near the shops unless I really need something - this way I avoid compulsive buys. 
• If you want to go out for a meal - go out for lunch  - it is a lot cheaper in fact I have found it is half the price of going out for dinner here in my local town.  Have a big lunch and then just have a toasted sandwich or similar for dinner. 
• Pay off and cut up your credit cards - you don't need them any more. Save some money and have a visa debit card on your account - you can still take advantage of internet shopping/transaction, but it's your own money learn to live on your own income and not credit. 
• Use lay-by if you 'need' a higher price ticketed item - layby it and incorporate it into your budget - if you can't afford to layby then you need to consider whether you NEED the item. 

Ok that will be quite enough - vent and advice over -  I have plenty more where that came from, but this post is becoming a novel...which is nothing unusual. So if you made it this far without falling asleep you need a medal! Congrats and thank you. xx

My birth stories- my babies - Old post from old blog

I was thrilled when I found out I was pregnant with our daughter.........this was after the shock and worry.
Shock...I was on the Pill.
Worry....we werent ready we were planning our wedding and bub was due 9months before the wedding what about $$$$??
We also wanted to buy a property beforehand....consequently we are still renting today.
Excitement....after an operation in my teens I had to sign a disclosure for the hospital stating I could have become infertile as a result...so I wasnt sure I could fall pregnant.

So the morning sickness had started at 6weeks. Or should I say All Day Sickness. I was a manager in retail and it was not pretty. I would be sick at least once in the morning and at least once in arvo and night. Anything could trigger it from a scent to eating something to the smell of liquid paper. I was so sick one day that I had burst blood vessels on my eye and around my eyes from the vomiting. I lost 10kgs while pregnant. The sickness didnt stop at 12wks it continued to 18weeks. I would be constantly going home from work.
Excitement brewed in the family Hayley was first grandchild, great grandchild and great great grandchild on my mums side of the family. She was number 14grand child(I think) for Matt's side.
When we found out we were having a girl we were thrilled. I had a few baby girls around me so I had enough clothes to last triplets.
At 28weeks I had the routine Glucose Tolerance Test to check for Gestational Diabetes....I got the all clear. It was at this point becoming very apparent that this was a big baby. my fluid retention was shocking swollen feet and hands very early.
At 32 weeks I had to have another glucose test and this time it was positive. At this point it was impossible to diet control, so I started insulin 2 weeks later.
Due to me being insulin dependant I wasnt to go overdue......but due to christmas new year holidays I was booked in for an induction until 2days overdue. When I rang on the morning to confirm my induction was cancelled due to a staff meeting and bed shortage in the special care nursery where hayley may have to go for monitoring.
So I was finally induced 3days overdue at 9.30pm and 2hours later I was having contractions 3mins apart.
At 12.30 lunchtime the following day (15/01/06) I was ready to start pushing. Everything was fine until Hayley (9pd3oz) came out blue. Matt wasnt able to cut the cord as it was an emergency to get her on oxygen. Most babies are fine after this, however Hayley didnt respond to the equipment and was taken to Intensive Care where she was put on a ventilator for 6days. I was oblivious to how bad it was. I thought they were just going to put her on oxygen and she would be fine. I got to hold her for a minute before they took her away.....no feeding no nothing. Matt didnt get his first cuddle at this point.
We had to wait a couple of hours before we could see her in Intensive care. They had to sedate her hook all the antibiotic/drug lines through her cord piece on her bellybutton and put the ventilator tube down her throat to inflate her lungs. I thought I was strong. But it tore my heart out to see our girl hooked up.....I couldnt touch her as her heart rate would plummit if we touched her....apparently when newborns are sick they can't handle being touched.
She was critical the first night and started to pick up from there. She amazed doctors in 24hours her lungs went from a mess on the Xray to 100% better the following day.
We just sat with her until day 5 when they turned the sedation drug dose down and I could finally see her move and hold her hand. Day 6 saw her ventilator removed and I could hear her cry. I have never been so pleased to hear a baby cry. The weight started to lift off my chest. I could finally cuddle her although she still had some tubes. I could also start trying to breastfeed. It is much harder when you didnt get that skin to skin contact after birth.

Day 6 also saw matt get his first cuddle. It was so precious, she stared at him for what seemed like forever. She knew who her daddy was.
From here she went into special care and on day 11 home. At this point we still don't know exactly what caused her to be so sick. Part of it may have been that she swallowed on the way out. but it was suspected she had pneumonia. She has barely been sick since. Our blessing.


Charlie was a much easier time, although my sugars spiked at 7wks. I was on insulin at 22wks and despite having a little extra fluid I didnt have near the amount of sickness although I was still ill. The nausea was more of a night time with the physical sickness limited to a few nights a week.
I was induced 2weeks early to prevent any issues with size and danger at birth. I had been having contractions all day and was told at 7pm that I was lucky to be 1cm dialated. The obstetrician was in the process of talking me into a Csection at this stage - he was worried about Charlie's size although I had told him I had Hayley naturally and could feel this baby was smaller. I agreed to the CSection as I was so tired and had had enough so I prepared to go into surgery.
Just as I got up to have a shower and prep I felt pressure (the feeling of needing to go to the toilet). The midwife suspected I was ready to go.....and whisked me into birthing suite.
I had dialated 9cm in an hour and was ready to push.
My waters hadnt broken and they didnt want to break them due to the risk of the cord being wrapped around his head. So I started pushing in tremendous pain I had no drugs as there was no time, although my husband wasn't coping seeing me in so much pain and was asking them to give me an epi. Of course by the time the anesthetist would of arrived it would of been too late. At 8:24pm Charlie was born a healthy 8pd 10oz. We got to cuddle and bond no issues with him, he was so content. I got to shower and walk back to ward with no effects of drugs, just high on adrenalin....I didn't sleep until 3am. The positive of drug free is you get this natural high, you don't feel groggy from the drugs at all it is a great feeling.....plus side of having drugs is you don't feel that terrible pain of the head crowning....but when I had the epi. with Hayley I couldn't feel one of my legs for 12hours and I was physically sick.

My biggest struggle since D.

So as you would of read in "the D word" I have had a struggle with Depression, I am pleased to say it is not so much of a struggle anymore, but rather a niggle. It is still hiding in there and tries to take advantage of me during hard times - it does sneak up on me occasionally, but I am the one controlling IT now rather than the other way around. I have had a couple triggers, but have learnt how to get myself out of the hole before it buries me. I can't urge people enough - don't rely on Anti - depressants alone, you must learn techniques to overcome it - a psychologist is the best way to start.

So this is about my biggest test - begining of Feb. this year I found out I was pregnant, while shocked I was thrilled. I didn't tell many people to begin with as I was still getting my head around it and was waiting on a blood test. The HCG levels showed that I was between 1 and 3wks which didn't make a huge amount of sense, as my dates showed about 5weeks. But with blood test confirmation, the doctor gave me a referral to book an ultrasound in March. 3days after getting the results I picked our daughter up from school and with the weather being so hot - we bought Ice creams from the shop for afternoon treat....within  a few hours I was in agony and started to bleed.

My husband  took me to the ER. I was given some hope with stories of early bleeds not always being negative, but I knew deep down it wasn't sticking and although I had miscarried before, this was incredibly painful. I was referred to a Early Pregnancy clinic -designed for women with problems in early pregnancy. I wasn't given a D&C because it wasn't confirmed that it was a miscarriage, but also being so early in the pregnancy they try and let the body take it's course and release it, itself-  this is what happened with my first miscarriage.

So the advice was to have a blood test every three days to ensure my HCG levels lowered and they did, but very slowly - in fact too slow and during the following 5 weeks I was having random cramping attacks  - cramps so bad I could barely move, however nurofen was helping and I was told by the hospital they are normal and that it just appeared that the miscarriage was taking it's time. At the 5week mark I received my phone call from the clinic during another attack of pain, this time the suggestion was that I go into clinic the following week and that it would be considered to take me into theatre and find out what was wrong. This day however nurofen wasn't working and the pain was getting much worse.

I made arrangements for the kids to be looked after as I was suspecting that this was an ectopic pregnancy and after 6 long hours in emergency - involving full ultrasounds, multiple doses of morphine and blood tests they admitted me to hospital. Still no confirmation of ectopic, but they had their suspicions - if I was still in pain the next morning it was likely to be ectopic, but if the pain subsided they would send me home with thoughts that it was a burst cyst.

After a restless night's sleep on maternity ward I was greeted by a group of 5 doctors all eager to see an ultrasound - so after an internal ultrasound - seeing fluid in my abdomen the asked if my pain had subsided - when in reality yes it had, I told them the pain was still there. I did this as I knew if I went home the pain would come back and I would be back at square one. I was booked into theatre for 10.30am for laproscopic surgery not knowing what was going to happen, but I had been given all of the options of what could happen.

When I returned to the ward mid afternoon I was told the doctor would see me and tell me what happened. I was in a lot of pain, but was up and walking within half hour of returning to ward. the longest night of my life. I asked a nurse when a doctor would come in and she told me I would of been told already - I just wouldn't have remembered due to the drugs.....did they think I was stupid???? like I would forget being told what had happened and not to mention the photos of the surgery they showed me - they are still clearly in my mind. I didn't see the doctor until 9.30am  the next morning to find out I had part of my tube removed due to an ectopic pregnancy and when I saw the photos I cried - it had finally hit me what had happened and what I had lost. 
It turns out if I had of gone home the day before I would of been faced with a perforated tube due to an ectopic and then it would have been a mission to save my life rather than just trying save my tube - just as well I am in tune with my body.

It is an experience which shook me, I had no family in Bundy with me, I felt very isolated and realised the genuine friendships I had already made. People from the school offering to help bring my daughter home, friends offering to help look after my son. I will never forget the generosity. I had a few days of feeling desperately alone, I really had a feeling that people who should of cared - didn't. I felt like we were brushed to the side by people I thought would be there to help and support us. We had only been in Bundy for  3months so Matt didn't have any leave to take time off to help me he was back at work the day after I came home people close to us knew this, but I barely had a phone call, not let alone an offer of a visit....knowing full well if roles were reversed I would of been there in a heartbeat.

I had to move forward, I knew this but-ectopic or not - I still lost something a little being (whether it was viable or not). Yes I know "it wasn't meant to be" and "things happen for a reason" (if one more person said this to me I was going to hit the roof), but I still had to deal with this loss I still had to mourn it....and I started to feel that nobody cared, because nobody understood, but nobody really wanted to hear it, apart from a couple of friends I had just met and I didn't want to burden them....but when I did vent to them they were all ears and I am so grateful for it.  I had 4 weeks of doing nothing as I couldn't do major amount of housework - I pushed it a couple of times and paid for it for 2days with cramping, but I had two kids that needed their mummy and a husband that was working full time to support us and needed support in return.

I am now sitting here in tears-  this has been so important for me to get out - therapy wise, but still very hard. I had a few dark days during recovery as I didn't have a lot to keep me busy and quiet time makes the mind wander.
I have a couple of friends now due to have their bubs about the time I would of been due should it had been viable - I am over the moon and ecstatic for them, but have that little piece in the back of my mind and heart.
Which brings up the question- do we try for another bub or not? 

OMG has it been THAT long since I last posted.

Wow what a whirlwind 6months it has been since we moved up here and 12mths since my last post!

We are now in Coral Cove and love it.

We found a lovely home big enough for us and our occasional visitors, I am walking distance to the beautiful coastline and just a short drive to my daughter's school. The lifestyle is so relaxed, we are so much more relaxed and in turn our kids love it. They love having mummy home every day and love being able to visit the beach as much as they want (well maybe not as much as "they" want, but certainly much more than previously).

To top it off I have lost 14kgs since moving here so yes I think this sea change is certainly agreeing with us. I think too in terms of my mental state - my head is clearer than it has been in forever.

I love living out of town, although town isn't the hustle and bustle of a major city, it is nice to be out amongst the farms and away from the temptations. The kids are learning all about where their food actually comes from - and no it doesn't all just come from a shop much to their surprise.

Our daughter attends a fantastic local school with only 70kids, so it is perfect for her as she is quiet and I could see her getting lost in a big school. She and I have made some great friends through the school. With the school (not sure how this happened) I ended up with the position of President of the P&C committee- which is proving to be invaluable with learning about how the school runs, but our daughter loves having me about helping and I get to know other parents.

Our daughter now attends swimming lessons and we have our son in kindy so he has other kids to play with, but the school also runs a playgroup once a week so our son gets to know other kids he will attend school with in 18mths. 

Life hasn't been all peachy since we moved - we ran a tight budget to move and the dodgy removalist we hired (yes I did my research, but it is very hard when you have no recommendations) decided to charge us an extra $400 after the truck was packed. I was irate to say the least as he had quoted us for the job, not the size of the load - this caused one mega headache they also kindly informed me that instead of a same day move, that they would not be in Bundy until the following day - this would of been fine if Matt wasn't already in Bundy sleeping on the floor with an air mattress that had a hole in it. No refrigeration. So he was less than impressed - he also couldn't argue the point as the guy had all out stuff in his truck and showed up with  5 guys to unload - not dodgy at all. Live and learn with this one.
Unfortunately I have had a few experiences with the ER. Two weeks after moving in I ended up in an ambulance - Gastro so bad that I had become disorientated and my blood pressure was so low the ambo guys had no idea how I was walking. I spent 13 hours in ER that day until my  blood pressure stabilised and I could keep fluids and food down. the next experiences need a separate blog, but I have had my share of tests in the last few months.

Sadly I have haven't had as much time to scrap as I would  like. Between trying to get Sweet B. Photography up and running up here, P&C commitments, visiting the beach, visiting friends and general running of the household, been very busy.

Thanks for reading, please leave me some love!