the D word.

The hardest thing to admit is "I'm struggling." and by the time I usually do I am falling into a downward spiral. The feeling of drowing into a darkness or the feeling of being stuck in a hole with no way of getting out. Reads like a horror story. It felt like a horror story.............I was having a melt down and despite the fact that I had all the support in the world to call on, I felt more alone than I ever had. The one person I would usually call, was away and the last thing I wanted to do was worry her.
 I am hoping by sharing this very real journey that I can help some people close to me to have some understanding of what I am going through and how I am coping. I also hope that anyone that relates to any of these feelings gets some help.......see your GP.

My first experience with depression was after my son was born in April 2008.  By 6 weeks he had colic and would scream from 11pm to 2.30am and would wake again at 5am. I became very sleep deprived. My daughter gave up her day sleeps just before he was born, so a sleep during the day wasnt an option. She was a typical terrible 2 year old and would get into anything and everything at times and she knew when I was tired or when I was tied down. JI would have incredible mood swings and when I think about it now, I wonder what must have gone through my daughter's mind. I had the support of people around me, but I didn't want to ask for help and I didnt want people to think I wasnt coping.
 I had borderline PND, but when I did see a GP about this, I felt like I was dismissed and therefore my thought processes went with "you are overreacting and there is nothing wrong" and "just deal with it, you should be coping better". I would beat myself up on a daily basis. I had no want to do anything and would stay at home every day. I never got help as I was dismissed to begin with. My son got beyond colic by three months old and I started sleeping, however I didnt seem to feel any better in myself.
In October 08 I went to the GP again as I was starting to get physically ill constantly. My immune system wasn't coping and I had stomach problems. The GP did a lot of tests to find nothing wrong. Not once was I asked or screened for depression. I didnt see a GP for many months after that, unless I was really sick. I just felt like they would never find out what was causing me to be sick all the time.
My husband would go to work and wonder what mood he was going to walk into when he came home. In 2009 we had a tough year for a multitude of reasons and I ended up with bronchitis in July that didnt clear until Jan 2010.
Eventually my husband told me to go and see the doctor as there had to be something wrong.
When I walked into the GP (a different medical centre) in December, I sat down and listed the symptons, the minute I mentioned "mood swings" he wanted to see me again asap to organise a referral to be tested for depression.
I walked out of there in shock..........how on earth could he think I have depression???? But then how could he not. I had just been trying to fight it for so long that I forgot who I was and had changed without even realising.
I have a long way to go yet and have only just started my journey of getting through this...but I am learning more about me in the process and  I am learning how to move forward. I have had so many things happen to trigger this. I have clinical depression with anxiety. I have only just accepted this, I lived in denial even after diagnosis. I even thought that I would get over it over night........and I now more than ever realise that isnt going to happen, but I am getting better and becoming a better person every day.
For anyone that hasn't had depression it is impossible to define. And the best way to describe it is "unknown".
Nearly 2 weeks ago I had a meltdown. One part of me wanted to pack up and run away and another part of me wanted to curl up and go to sleep and make it all go away. "all" is just my emotions. It is so draining, not having any control over how you feel or how you react. All I did was over react............I would go from a crying mess to screaming and yelling to quiet and subdued. This particular day, I felt like I was drowning, I felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel and I was terrified. I was more terrified at having no control. I am the type of person that was in full control, I tried to be positive and I couldnt find a positive light at all. A week befor this insomnia had started, I could lay awake til 3am and then have to be up early......the breaking point was 3hours over three days when I went away. I met a new found friend who related to me, you have no idea how much this has helped me. Our conversation was therapy for me. I just wish we lived closer.
I have incredible family support and I do thank those that called. I am not the person to call and I dont like asking for help and tend to try and help myself even when I need help. I am learning to ask.
I am learning some fabulous techniques to help me through the downward spirals and to this point they are helping me prevent them.
If you are relating to these feelings and havent seeked help do it. If you have a friend or family member with Depression, be there for them. I am learning more lately that there are a lot of people dealing with Depression and everybody is different.
For me, I dont have a problem getting up in the morning. BUT I dont know how I am going to feel, I do try to start out positive, but there could be one little thing that could happen and will throw me out. I could have an anxiety attack or just throw negative thoughts. I am starting to recognise these and getting on top of them before they get on top of me, but there are time they still sneek through.

Stand by for more posts.
thank you for trying to understand.