Today marks a pretty special milestone. Today I am 26kgs down from my heaviest weight 3years ago. In three days it will be 3years since we moved to this beautiful part of the country - coincidence?? kind of, but not really.
FOUR years ago, I was unhappy, I was frustrated and I was unknowingly suffering from depression and anxiety and previous blog posts will explain that side of the journey.
Three years ago I was finally feeling in control of that black dog and at the same time our sea change became a reality and I was feeling alive.
SO for anyone battling with weight (and I still am), here are some of my lessons learnt so far.
1. YOU HAVE TO BE THE MOTIVATION - I had to be the one to decide I had had enough of being overweight, I had to find the motivation and I had to want to change my lifestyle. I couldn't do it unless I was 100% committed.....until I had that commitment, I would always fall off the wagon and everytime I did it would take longer to climb back on.
2. QUICK FIXES - they don't work, don't last and are not healthy I have tried a few and whilst the first week I got results, I'd gain the weight back quickly and often gain more. They fool you into believing you ill lose massive weight and keep it off, if you lose the weight it doesn't stay off as you are not learning anything. You need a change of lifestyle forever not just for a week or two.
3.UNTREATED MENTAL ILLNESS CAN BE A BLOCK I had to get my head sorted first. I had depression and anxiety and until I had control of these, it was impossible to lose any weight, instead I was gaining because I was taking solitude in sugar to deal with the ups and downs of mental illness.....granted it wasn't drugs or alcohol, but it was poison to my body.
4. CUT IT OUT...... I cut the crap - one step at a time. I didn't cut everything at once. I no longer lived close enough to the temptations of takeaway food and sweets so I decided to take advantage of that and cut it out. If your vice is Softdrink - start with that, just cut softdrink and don't go near it for a month. You'd be amazed at just one small change and how much it helps. Find alternatives....pick up a handful of nuts instead of lollies. Cut one thing a week and once it's cut don't go near it, don't have it in your family at all. Seriously get rid of processed foods - they contain chemicals, they are not nutritious and they are not good for you. Fresh is definitely best - fresh meat, fruits, vegetables and keeping it simple.
5. START NEW HABITS & REPLACING GOOD FOR BAD - Once I spent a month cutting the crap, I tried then to spend a month creating better habits - drinking more water (still guilty of not drinking enough though), portion size control. Replace snacks for healthier alternatives. Start learning about calorie control and exercising -even if it's 10minutes a day, it's still something. It's all about routine and organisation. A lot of these I learnt from Michelle Bridges 12week Body Transformation - her program's mindset training is worth every cent of her program and it only forms a part of it.
6. ALL IN - everyone in the household was eating what I was. Nobody had sweets in the fridge, biscuits in the cupboard or any of my vices. It was important to lead by example and I was, but my husband had to do it too and it's a healthy change so nobody was going to be hurt by it.
7. MEASURE, MEASURE, MEASURE - to begin with I'd take measurements every 4 weeks, this is where I really noticed the loss. Scales are hopeless and can really deflate confidence.
Take measurements and watch them lower as it's more of a confidence boost. Only stand on the scales once a week and understand they will fluctuate at times....especially if you are female.
8. 12WBT - Look at and seriously consider Michelle Bridges program, it is one thing that has been instrumental in my weight loss as well as 100s of 1000s of others. I cannot recommend this program enough (no I am not being paid to type this). The support, the mindset training to get your head in the right space, the tips, the recipes, the exercise program it all helps. It's an excellent community.
9. UNDERLYING HEALTH CONDITIONS - I have had many health issues in the last 18mths and it has meant that my focus on food and exercise has failed, but I haven't gained weight, it has maintained.....because I started losing it properly and I kicked up my metabolism again. My health issues led to a diagnosis of Celiac Disease and I have not cut out gluten and I am not watching the weight drop again, I am watching the bloat disappear and I am also starting to realise that this condition has probably plagued me since I was a teen and been the evil thing plaguing my body. I am now starting to feel better and gaining confidence again. I have done some research into Wheat Belly which has some fascinating facts and is something I believe a lot of people need to consider. Dr Oz has recently aired an episode on Gluten sensitivity and this affects up to 1 in 2 people.....if you cut gluten for a month and feel better, then apparently it's a good sign that you are sensitive to it...food for thought right there. Of course speak to you GP, but I do recommend doing a little research on the subject yourself.
10. GABRIEL METHOD - it's another book that makes a lot of sense check it out. A man that was very obese and 'got healthy'.
At the end of the day everyone is different. If it's not a lifestyle change, don't waste your time or money. I know there's a lot of focus on obesity in this country and I can understand why. I am still not in the healthy weight category, but I am getting closer. I am under 30 and have had health conditions, I shouldn't have had due to underlying illness. I want to be healthy, I want to be around for a long time and I don't want to be old and lying in bed because I can't move. I love being able to be active with my kids and feeling young. Shaving my head for the World's Greatest Shave was something I would never have had the guts to do before I started this journey. Thank you to those that have stuck around and supported me and continue to support me. I am going to be at my goal before my 30th, that's the plan and I now plan on smashing it now there appears to be nothing in way.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Bullying - when will it end? will it ever end?
I saw a story tonight on TV about a young girl who put a video on You Tube before she committed suicide....you might already know about the video as it hit news headlines just after it. It is incredibly moving and I break down every time I see it. I felt for her, she was screaming for help, had just been diagnosed with depression, but was suicidal. I struggled with being bullied at school enough - but I didn't grow up with the social media that today's teens do. There is no escape from it apart from locking themselves away from socialising with their friends online. Her parents had no idea she was suicidal as most parents don't and most peers don't. I was never suicidal, but when it comes to depression - you don't tend to broadcast to people that you are struggling - especially to loved ones, you don't want to burden them.
What disturbed me about this story (which was mainly based in USA) was the lack of care from the schools when it comes to dealing with bullying and in this case it seems nothing has changed. In one case - the victim was forced to apologise to a bully!!!! WTF??
When I was at school, you were told to go to the principal if you were having problems, unfortunately they either didn't do anything, or they did and it got worse. Usually nothing was done until I retaliated and then I would be punished for it. I had some of the nastiest rumors spread about me by people I had thought I could trust. Slanderous rumors that still came back to haunt me a few years ago when I met someone who's sister went to school with me.....she had this idea of what I was like at school, but it was based on the rumors. I think my mother knew bits of what was going on, but I never told her completely - because she had enough to deal with at home without knowing how much I was dealing with. So I shut up and put up with what was going on until I finally left school.
It has made me intolerant of petty high school drama, I cut people out of my life pretty quickly if they start going on with it. As far as I am concerned - I left it in high school, don't need it in my life. It terrifies me that my kids may have to go through it at school. I am doing my best to make them confident individuals, but they also have big hearts and are helpful kids and I don't want them to lose those qualities. I was an easy target at school, I was overweight and I wore glasses. It didn't matter that I was good at sports - the fact that I was very good academically meant it was another target.
The story tonight brought a lot of this back and if you are reading this and were one of the bullies when you went to school - what has it done for you in your life??? Can you do something to change the cycle?? Don't let your kids be a bully. I personally would be horrified if I found out my child was a bully. Sadly it has been found that bullies are generally children of people that were bullies themselves.....maybe it's because these people never felt the hurt that their vicitms did. I loved school for a lot of my schooling, I just hated the lunch breaks, where I would have to listen to the nastiness. Gee any wonder I had self esteem issues.
I don't think Bullying will never exist, but I would like to know that the education systems could give a damn and actually step in where they know there are problems. The cases of suicide by young people is disturbing and scary. I never contemplated suicide, but with social media these days there is no escape for these kids. I hope my kids never have to cope with what I had to at school, I hated it.
I do get some satisfaction out of it - whilst a few of those that bullied me at school are struggling to sort their lives out, I have a wonderful husband and nearly three fantastic kids and some very good friends that are worth their weight in gold.
What disturbed me about this story (which was mainly based in USA) was the lack of care from the schools when it comes to dealing with bullying and in this case it seems nothing has changed. In one case - the victim was forced to apologise to a bully!!!! WTF??
When I was at school, you were told to go to the principal if you were having problems, unfortunately they either didn't do anything, or they did and it got worse. Usually nothing was done until I retaliated and then I would be punished for it. I had some of the nastiest rumors spread about me by people I had thought I could trust. Slanderous rumors that still came back to haunt me a few years ago when I met someone who's sister went to school with me.....she had this idea of what I was like at school, but it was based on the rumors. I think my mother knew bits of what was going on, but I never told her completely - because she had enough to deal with at home without knowing how much I was dealing with. So I shut up and put up with what was going on until I finally left school.
It has made me intolerant of petty high school drama, I cut people out of my life pretty quickly if they start going on with it. As far as I am concerned - I left it in high school, don't need it in my life. It terrifies me that my kids may have to go through it at school. I am doing my best to make them confident individuals, but they also have big hearts and are helpful kids and I don't want them to lose those qualities. I was an easy target at school, I was overweight and I wore glasses. It didn't matter that I was good at sports - the fact that I was very good academically meant it was another target.
The story tonight brought a lot of this back and if you are reading this and were one of the bullies when you went to school - what has it done for you in your life??? Can you do something to change the cycle?? Don't let your kids be a bully. I personally would be horrified if I found out my child was a bully. Sadly it has been found that bullies are generally children of people that were bullies themselves.....maybe it's because these people never felt the hurt that their vicitms did. I loved school for a lot of my schooling, I just hated the lunch breaks, where I would have to listen to the nastiness. Gee any wonder I had self esteem issues.
I don't think Bullying will never exist, but I would like to know that the education systems could give a damn and actually step in where they know there are problems. The cases of suicide by young people is disturbing and scary. I never contemplated suicide, but with social media these days there is no escape for these kids. I hope my kids never have to cope with what I had to at school, I hated it.
I do get some satisfaction out of it - whilst a few of those that bullied me at school are struggling to sort their lives out, I have a wonderful husband and nearly three fantastic kids and some very good friends that are worth their weight in gold.
Baby #3 update. Totally ecstatic.
Eeeek - bad blogger, bad blogger, bad blogger........can I use the 'too busy' excuse?
So I announced in the last blog post that we are expecting baby number three, I am so proud of myself we have had two ultrasounds and I have been strong enough not to find out the sex.
I am dealing with the usual diabetes stuff, but considering there are times where I think I am losing control of the sugar fluctuations - the blood tests and baby's size is proving I am doing remarkably well. For those not in the know - diabetes - gestation or not can affect baby's size, sugar fluctuations can cause (and usually does cause) the baby to bloat and usually sees large birth sizes eg. over 9pd. For this reason, all diabetics on insulin are induced or C-sectioned no later than 38wks, the period between 38 and 40wks often sees growth spurts and with an already large baby - you don't need that extra growth as it can cause more complications than not. I can't say that Hayley was so sick at birth due to me not being induced and more critically being left to go overdue whilst on insulin, but it is something that plagues my mind frequently. Charlie was born at 38wks and although smaller than Hayley he was still 3.65kgs at birth. The classic puffy face and abdomen are also classic traits with diabetes babies.
At my last clinic appointment I measured in at 30wks (the day before 26wks), a whole month ahead which had both me and the doctor a bit concerned. I was concerned as I thought I had controlled the sugars as much as possible so disappointment started to set in - you know? the feeling like a failure phase. Doctor requested an ultrasound to check on bub and also to check the fluid.
So right now I am 27wks +4days and I had my most recent ultrasound on Friday morning to find that baby is measuring spot on date....well 3 days out which is as close as you can get at this point in a normal pregnancy - but for a pregnancy with gestational diabetes especially in my case this is amazing - this had me crying happy tears - confirmation I was doing well, a feeling like I might not have a massive buddah baby after all and when you have natural deliveries - as close to natural size the better would be fantastic. With the older two kids at this point I measured minimum 2weeks ahead, so this is fantastic news - but what it does mean is that bub has an olympic pool to swim in. LOL. Plenty of fluid and as the guy doing the ultrasound had said "off the scale" too much fluid, but he checked on bubs organs to ensure that the fluid was just me producing too much and not something wrong with baby. Happy news all round here.
Baby is literally sucking a lot out of me - I right now have low iron, next to no immunity and therefore no energy. No immunity is not helping with the clearing of a bout of pneumonia I ended up with a month ago - spent 5 days in hospital, also had low potassium, so was pumped with potassium, Ventolin and antibiotics and I am still on antibiotics, if my doctor stopped them at the moment, I would end up back in hospital as the infection will just build. Hospital was a big shock to not just my head, but for the hubby and kids. No warning meant that it shook Charlie a bit more, he still has a bit of separation anxiety. When I was admitted, I seriously thought it was for a night - not 4nights. Again the hospital were fantastic and the nurses have given me strict instructions that they didn't want to see me again until bub was coming and I certainly hope that's the case. So after this stint I did have a few nerves about the ultrasound, but bub hasn't been affected at all - very resilient.
under 11wks and we will be welcoming this long awaited bundle into our lives, it's big sister and brother cannot wait, we cannot wait and neither can my close friends who have been close during this journey. I have a couple of amazing friends organising a baby shower - I cannot wait for that. I am so fortunate in my life to have amazing support from family and some amazingly supportive friends. They say you know who your true friends are when your life hits a bump = me landing in hospital showed me how great my friends are, I have friends who didn't care that my kids weren't 100% they would look after them to help support us. Love them all to bits and could never repay them for just being there, but they should know I am here for them too.
So I announced in the last blog post that we are expecting baby number three, I am so proud of myself we have had two ultrasounds and I have been strong enough not to find out the sex.
I am dealing with the usual diabetes stuff, but considering there are times where I think I am losing control of the sugar fluctuations - the blood tests and baby's size is proving I am doing remarkably well. For those not in the know - diabetes - gestation or not can affect baby's size, sugar fluctuations can cause (and usually does cause) the baby to bloat and usually sees large birth sizes eg. over 9pd. For this reason, all diabetics on insulin are induced or C-sectioned no later than 38wks, the period between 38 and 40wks often sees growth spurts and with an already large baby - you don't need that extra growth as it can cause more complications than not. I can't say that Hayley was so sick at birth due to me not being induced and more critically being left to go overdue whilst on insulin, but it is something that plagues my mind frequently. Charlie was born at 38wks and although smaller than Hayley he was still 3.65kgs at birth. The classic puffy face and abdomen are also classic traits with diabetes babies.
At my last clinic appointment I measured in at 30wks (the day before 26wks), a whole month ahead which had both me and the doctor a bit concerned. I was concerned as I thought I had controlled the sugars as much as possible so disappointment started to set in - you know? the feeling like a failure phase. Doctor requested an ultrasound to check on bub and also to check the fluid.
So right now I am 27wks +4days and I had my most recent ultrasound on Friday morning to find that baby is measuring spot on date....well 3 days out which is as close as you can get at this point in a normal pregnancy - but for a pregnancy with gestational diabetes especially in my case this is amazing - this had me crying happy tears - confirmation I was doing well, a feeling like I might not have a massive buddah baby after all and when you have natural deliveries - as close to natural size the better would be fantastic. With the older two kids at this point I measured minimum 2weeks ahead, so this is fantastic news - but what it does mean is that bub has an olympic pool to swim in. LOL. Plenty of fluid and as the guy doing the ultrasound had said "off the scale" too much fluid, but he checked on bubs organs to ensure that the fluid was just me producing too much and not something wrong with baby. Happy news all round here.
Baby is literally sucking a lot out of me - I right now have low iron, next to no immunity and therefore no energy. No immunity is not helping with the clearing of a bout of pneumonia I ended up with a month ago - spent 5 days in hospital, also had low potassium, so was pumped with potassium, Ventolin and antibiotics and I am still on antibiotics, if my doctor stopped them at the moment, I would end up back in hospital as the infection will just build. Hospital was a big shock to not just my head, but for the hubby and kids. No warning meant that it shook Charlie a bit more, he still has a bit of separation anxiety. When I was admitted, I seriously thought it was for a night - not 4nights. Again the hospital were fantastic and the nurses have given me strict instructions that they didn't want to see me again until bub was coming and I certainly hope that's the case. So after this stint I did have a few nerves about the ultrasound, but bub hasn't been affected at all - very resilient.
under 11wks and we will be welcoming this long awaited bundle into our lives, it's big sister and brother cannot wait, we cannot wait and neither can my close friends who have been close during this journey. I have a couple of amazing friends organising a baby shower - I cannot wait for that. I am so fortunate in my life to have amazing support from family and some amazingly supportive friends. They say you know who your true friends are when your life hits a bump = me landing in hospital showed me how great my friends are, I have friends who didn't care that my kids weren't 100% they would look after them to help support us. Love them all to bits and could never repay them for just being there, but they should know I am here for them too.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Do you really know what people are going through behind closed doors???
......Usually not.
So many people are very good at disguising what their life is really like and before I get to far into this post I must point out that I am not having a whinge in this post, but purely pointing out facts. Anyway as I was saying about people disguising - sure people complain (we all need to vent) about their lives and things that might be going great or on the downer, things that are going really bad....but usually it's a case of slight exaggeration for example if something great or good is happening we may hype it up to being fantastic, which I am guilty of as I try to look at the positives and if that means making something good into something fantastic then I do...but I don't mess with the facts in doing so, I just get excited over little things especially if we have had a run of bad luck. Then you have the people that make bad times the worst times (granted sometimes they are the worst of times, but could be worse really) or on the opposite end - they hide how bad the bad times are because they either don't wish to burden others with it or they simply find positives in the situation and see that the storm will clear eventually. I talk about my bad times, but I only usually describe how bad they are in this blog - to vent. We have had bad times, we haven't had worse than others or maybe any different to others in the grand scheme of things, but we have had times that have tried us and tried our relationship. Losing loved ones have been hard, not having money when we have really needed it have been bad, but we get through it and in the end for us I think it strengthens our relationship.
The last month has been testing, the last year has been testing and the last 6years have been testing in one form or another, but in 6years we have gotten married, had two wonderful kids and have another on the way, we have made some huge changes including packing everything up and moving away from our family that have only had positives come out of it.
So all of this came from somebody making a comment on Facebook about a comment I made, I don't know this person but it's funny how we judge or how this person judged - and I wonder if she spent week with me whether her view would change - or is she one of these people that has their head up their arse and doesn't ever want to see the view from the other side. I don't know her, I can't judge her, but the judgement was quickly made on others from her part.
As I said from the beginning this is not a "poor me" post, we are in the place we are today because of the decisions we made yesterday and the days before that. I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason and I most certainly wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for the experiences I have been through and I wouldn't have the great things in my life if I hadn't taken the direction I have.....so with all the negative there are far more positives in life and although a few extra dollars would help sometimes, I think we appreciate things more when we have to live without those dollars for a bit.
So what's a week like in my world?? The week starts with a day at home, tuesdays are spent taking our son to playgroup at the school so he can play with his friends and I can catch up on P&C bits and pieces if there are any and catching up with the mums usually followed by a hospital appointment which takes at least 2hours out of my day, Wednesday Charlie is at Kindy and usually it is my day to catch up on housework - washing, cleaning, working (yep I work from home), and setting up a budget for the following week - mainly doing up a shopping list to our tight budget and working out what bills can be paid this week and what can wait til next week, Thursday is errand day - I can go to town, put fuel in the car, get groceries done and anything else that NEEDS to be done whilst in town - this is if there is nothing I am helping with at the school, Friday is play date time or home day - I work from home so every day or night I am doing emails of some sort and it includes weekends, plus with our P&C being busy this year we have events a lot so also helping with that....on top of these I am 16wks pregnant and this is the first week I have had the energy to not fall asleep in the afternoon due to being so sick with morning sickness, then a cold and ear infection and just general pregnancy tiredness. My days are pretty packed and now that I look at this I know why I can't find the time to spend catching up with friends like I would like.
What is life like?? before I answer I must say I am actually happy - this same life a few years ago would have had a breakdown as this would have triggered major anxiety attacks for me and depression break downs. I am so incredibly strong now compared to then and I feel in control so I don't feel this could get to me. So what life is like - it's financially a struggle at the moment - you don't expect your hubby to lose his job when you thought everything was stable.....and to know it was a personal reason it cuts a bit more. We were just starting to make ends meet and catch up after the change to this job (on a commission job - when jobs change it takes a while to recover from it). So we have gone from potentially 2 weeks from being up to date and possibly be able to put money away to nothing and a husband out of work. EEK! So we have been going backwards and it will take a bit to catch up again - this means tiny grocery budget - which we can live with, but with the demands of a gestational diabetes diet where it can be tricky then yes it can be hard to get within that budget and still have the food I need for the week. I meal plan quite easily, so it's not hard to scrape through most of the time - it's the week (like this week) where I have to buy insulin which will cost about $60 which might hurt a bit...lol. We don't buy new clothes, I can't remember the last time I bought a new piece of clothing for myself - oh wait I do remember - it was a pair of jeans on clearance in December for $10 at Target - did I mention I have lost over 12kgs so I have needed to buy clothes, but have managed to pick up a few things from the op shops which are more than suitable and nobody knows or cares where my clothes are from - the kids stuff, I have bought new - $2 stand at clearance stands when I see them and if I have the money. I don't care anymore that I can't buy stuff all the time, I have gotten used to not being able to - I stay away from the shops so I don't have the desires and I have grown to become very anti -materialistic in so many ways - it is clutter. We have clothes that fit - I was most days so we have clothes to wear we don't need a ton of clothes. The kids are getting less toys - they simply prefer to play outside and don't play with what they have a lot, so we don't buy them much - we tend to buy them practical items like crafts, learning activities they like and stuff to take camping or to the beach. I have had to put more money into fuel due to extra trips to the hospital now...but the things we NEED to do get done, the stuff that we don't need gets pushed to the side. The tight financial situation means I make excuses not to go to places and miss out on things because we can't afford it and it can be embarrassing - but I know others are in the same position. I would love to be with family this weekend, but a trip to Brisbane is out of the question, so I will miss out on seeing my grandmother whom I haven't seen for nearly 2years...(ok so now I have tears). We make sacrifices, but we keep the roof over our head and we get three meals a day and clothes on our backs - a lot more than others out there.
The part that has me feeling guilty at times is when the kids miss out on stuff.....like going to the show - something I used to do every year as a kid and have a ball - this year we can't afford to and last year we couldn't due to me being sick - I feel that the roof over our heads comes first in rent needs to paid and fuel in the cars and some bills paid - there isn't much left at all and certainly not enough to take them to the show which guts me a bit. We do have a fair at the school in July where I hope to make it up to them a bit. When they were younger it wouldn't had bothered them - but when you have a 6year old that goes to school and friends talk about going to the show, obviously she is feeling like she is missing out. A bit over a month ago the circus came to town and she really wanted to go - but $125 a family was a huge cost for an outing and we didn't have the funds. On mothers day we went to a local park and they had rides for the kids- of course the kids pestered and wanted to go on, I didn't have cash on me and the sad part is, I couldn't have gone and withdrawn cash if I wanted to with fear of not knowing if we would make it through the week. This is my reality - you can judge all you like now you know where I live at this very moment, but if you knew why we were here you might not judge so much....but I can't go into that right now. The beauty is that we have a light at the end of our tunnel and it's almost close enough to touch. A big debt is about to be clear and will leave us with money in the bank at the end of the week and the ability to breath just a little and focus on getting ahead with everything else. I know there are so many people that are in the same boat as us - it is a reality, but there are many worse off than us...our kids are healthy, we are healthy, we have a bub on the way and we have a roof over our heads and food on the table every night - even if a few nights it is spaghetti and baked beans - who cares?? we are fed and it doesn't make me less of a person - I still have very good close friends and I still have ME and a strong relationship with my husband. I really can't ask for anything else. It is an inconvenience, but we will get through it.
This is why I get frustrated with people who cry poor and go and buy a car the following week, or buy their kids all brand new laptops then cry because they can't afford their mortgage payment for the week because they just spent $3000 on xmas presents.
So many people are very good at disguising what their life is really like and before I get to far into this post I must point out that I am not having a whinge in this post, but purely pointing out facts. Anyway as I was saying about people disguising - sure people complain (we all need to vent) about their lives and things that might be going great or on the downer, things that are going really bad....but usually it's a case of slight exaggeration for example if something great or good is happening we may hype it up to being fantastic, which I am guilty of as I try to look at the positives and if that means making something good into something fantastic then I do...but I don't mess with the facts in doing so, I just get excited over little things especially if we have had a run of bad luck. Then you have the people that make bad times the worst times (granted sometimes they are the worst of times, but could be worse really) or on the opposite end - they hide how bad the bad times are because they either don't wish to burden others with it or they simply find positives in the situation and see that the storm will clear eventually. I talk about my bad times, but I only usually describe how bad they are in this blog - to vent. We have had bad times, we haven't had worse than others or maybe any different to others in the grand scheme of things, but we have had times that have tried us and tried our relationship. Losing loved ones have been hard, not having money when we have really needed it have been bad, but we get through it and in the end for us I think it strengthens our relationship.
The last month has been testing, the last year has been testing and the last 6years have been testing in one form or another, but in 6years we have gotten married, had two wonderful kids and have another on the way, we have made some huge changes including packing everything up and moving away from our family that have only had positives come out of it.
So all of this came from somebody making a comment on Facebook about a comment I made, I don't know this person but it's funny how we judge or how this person judged - and I wonder if she spent week with me whether her view would change - or is she one of these people that has their head up their arse and doesn't ever want to see the view from the other side. I don't know her, I can't judge her, but the judgement was quickly made on others from her part.
As I said from the beginning this is not a "poor me" post, we are in the place we are today because of the decisions we made yesterday and the days before that. I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason and I most certainly wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for the experiences I have been through and I wouldn't have the great things in my life if I hadn't taken the direction I have.....so with all the negative there are far more positives in life and although a few extra dollars would help sometimes, I think we appreciate things more when we have to live without those dollars for a bit.
So what's a week like in my world?? The week starts with a day at home, tuesdays are spent taking our son to playgroup at the school so he can play with his friends and I can catch up on P&C bits and pieces if there are any and catching up with the mums usually followed by a hospital appointment which takes at least 2hours out of my day, Wednesday Charlie is at Kindy and usually it is my day to catch up on housework - washing, cleaning, working (yep I work from home), and setting up a budget for the following week - mainly doing up a shopping list to our tight budget and working out what bills can be paid this week and what can wait til next week, Thursday is errand day - I can go to town, put fuel in the car, get groceries done and anything else that NEEDS to be done whilst in town - this is if there is nothing I am helping with at the school, Friday is play date time or home day - I work from home so every day or night I am doing emails of some sort and it includes weekends, plus with our P&C being busy this year we have events a lot so also helping with that....on top of these I am 16wks pregnant and this is the first week I have had the energy to not fall asleep in the afternoon due to being so sick with morning sickness, then a cold and ear infection and just general pregnancy tiredness. My days are pretty packed and now that I look at this I know why I can't find the time to spend catching up with friends like I would like.
What is life like?? before I answer I must say I am actually happy - this same life a few years ago would have had a breakdown as this would have triggered major anxiety attacks for me and depression break downs. I am so incredibly strong now compared to then and I feel in control so I don't feel this could get to me. So what life is like - it's financially a struggle at the moment - you don't expect your hubby to lose his job when you thought everything was stable.....and to know it was a personal reason it cuts a bit more. We were just starting to make ends meet and catch up after the change to this job (on a commission job - when jobs change it takes a while to recover from it). So we have gone from potentially 2 weeks from being up to date and possibly be able to put money away to nothing and a husband out of work. EEK! So we have been going backwards and it will take a bit to catch up again - this means tiny grocery budget - which we can live with, but with the demands of a gestational diabetes diet where it can be tricky then yes it can be hard to get within that budget and still have the food I need for the week. I meal plan quite easily, so it's not hard to scrape through most of the time - it's the week (like this week) where I have to buy insulin which will cost about $60 which might hurt a bit...lol. We don't buy new clothes, I can't remember the last time I bought a new piece of clothing for myself - oh wait I do remember - it was a pair of jeans on clearance in December for $10 at Target - did I mention I have lost over 12kgs so I have needed to buy clothes, but have managed to pick up a few things from the op shops which are more than suitable and nobody knows or cares where my clothes are from - the kids stuff, I have bought new - $2 stand at clearance stands when I see them and if I have the money. I don't care anymore that I can't buy stuff all the time, I have gotten used to not being able to - I stay away from the shops so I don't have the desires and I have grown to become very anti -materialistic in so many ways - it is clutter. We have clothes that fit - I was most days so we have clothes to wear we don't need a ton of clothes. The kids are getting less toys - they simply prefer to play outside and don't play with what they have a lot, so we don't buy them much - we tend to buy them practical items like crafts, learning activities they like and stuff to take camping or to the beach. I have had to put more money into fuel due to extra trips to the hospital now...but the things we NEED to do get done, the stuff that we don't need gets pushed to the side. The tight financial situation means I make excuses not to go to places and miss out on things because we can't afford it and it can be embarrassing - but I know others are in the same position. I would love to be with family this weekend, but a trip to Brisbane is out of the question, so I will miss out on seeing my grandmother whom I haven't seen for nearly 2years...(ok so now I have tears). We make sacrifices, but we keep the roof over our head and we get three meals a day and clothes on our backs - a lot more than others out there.
The part that has me feeling guilty at times is when the kids miss out on stuff.....like going to the show - something I used to do every year as a kid and have a ball - this year we can't afford to and last year we couldn't due to me being sick - I feel that the roof over our heads comes first in rent needs to paid and fuel in the cars and some bills paid - there isn't much left at all and certainly not enough to take them to the show which guts me a bit. We do have a fair at the school in July where I hope to make it up to them a bit. When they were younger it wouldn't had bothered them - but when you have a 6year old that goes to school and friends talk about going to the show, obviously she is feeling like she is missing out. A bit over a month ago the circus came to town and she really wanted to go - but $125 a family was a huge cost for an outing and we didn't have the funds. On mothers day we went to a local park and they had rides for the kids- of course the kids pestered and wanted to go on, I didn't have cash on me and the sad part is, I couldn't have gone and withdrawn cash if I wanted to with fear of not knowing if we would make it through the week. This is my reality - you can judge all you like now you know where I live at this very moment, but if you knew why we were here you might not judge so much....but I can't go into that right now. The beauty is that we have a light at the end of our tunnel and it's almost close enough to touch. A big debt is about to be clear and will leave us with money in the bank at the end of the week and the ability to breath just a little and focus on getting ahead with everything else. I know there are so many people that are in the same boat as us - it is a reality, but there are many worse off than us...our kids are healthy, we are healthy, we have a bub on the way and we have a roof over our heads and food on the table every night - even if a few nights it is spaghetti and baked beans - who cares?? we are fed and it doesn't make me less of a person - I still have very good close friends and I still have ME and a strong relationship with my husband. I really can't ask for anything else. It is an inconvenience, but we will get through it.
This is why I get frustrated with people who cry poor and go and buy a car the following week, or buy their kids all brand new laptops then cry because they can't afford their mortgage payment for the week because they just spent $3000 on xmas presents.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
It's official - Baby number 3 is a reality.
Very very excited household here as we countdown to the arrival of our newest addition. At this point bub will be born around October 24th - but is due November 7th. 38week induction thanks to the early arrival of Gestational diabetes again - although it is throwing up some theories for the Endocrinologist that has a file for me at Royal Brisbane Women's Hospital......that's a whole other story....so back to the baby.
It is going to be very different this time round - we kept it quiet for a while due to the fact that we needed to know it was going to stick first....now that's a certainty as I am at 15weeks!!!
We are not finding out the sex....well at the moment its a "we" are not finding out, but I am the weakest link and have good sight for ultrasounds so I may well find out, but I am under strict orders not to tell Matt if I see anything.....therefore nobody else will know if I find out by accident lol. We won't be announcing a name until birth either - which a lot of people do, but I mean nobody knows out names - not even my mum, who I would ordinarily share it with. My mother was not impressed when she found out that piece of news lol.....but fairly sure she should be over it by now. The other difference which is the most obvious difference is that we are doing this without family close - my mum will be here when bub is born and is taking holidays to stay, but that's it....and I am dealing with a regional hospital - which brings me to my next paragraph and my rant against the Bundaberg Base Hospital HATERS!!!
OK so while I think people are justified to have an opinion (sometimes....I do think some people just have an opinion to piss others off and maybe I am one of those people lol) I think the BBH (Bundaberg Base Hospital) haters need to take a hike. I cannot say a bad word about the hospital and I have had experience with about 4 different hospitals - three of them in the city and BBH is well and truly above them in regards to treatment. If you go through my posts in the last 18mths you will see that I have had my fair share of appointments through the hospital for myself and my kids. I am currently classified as having a high risk pregnancy for a couple of reasons - reason one- early onset of gestational diabetes which has seen me on insulin very early - reason two- I have a history of early miscarriage. I have been under exclusive hospital care since week 7 of the pregnancy, I have been to the hospital every week for check ups (mainly for diabetes) and yes it means that I am going to have a long pregnancy with all these appointments, but nobody can fault them on it. I don't intend on staying in hospital for long - if everything is fine - one night and I will be out, cannot be out same day due to monitoring of bub for low sugars, but I won't be in there longer than I need to be, I just don't see the point in it.....the only thing that scares the crap out of me is that I have heard that you are left to labour on ward until you are about 8cms dialated - I don't like this purely because I will feel the lack of privacy being two-bed rooms and all...so fingers crossed there isn't anyone in the bed next to me when I am going through it as I won't go into labour at home so it will be a longish process unless I have a similar round as last time.
General concerns that have come up with being pregnant again apart from the obvious medical ones with me.....it has hit me that it will be 4 1/2 yrs since I have had a newborn - and lets face it that is an eternity - I kind of feel like I am having my first bub again, I vaguely remember how to bath a newborn, I have gotten used to getting a full nights sleep (god help me on this one), we are starting from the start with baby furniture again - so it's remembering what we need?? versus what we want - we don't need as much as we had with the older kids. What can you feed them when they start solids? and more importantly what NOT to feed them lol....I know I remember what my kids ate - but it tends to change every 3mths as to what's good and what isn't.
Hayley and Charlie cannot wait for their baby to arrive - it has taken some convincing for Charlie to finally realise this is not just my baby, but it's his baby too. Now he comes up to me all the time and says "mummy can I cuddle my baby" this is so incredibly cute it nearly brings tears to my eyes. Every night now he comes up and kisses my belly and says "I am kissing my baby good night mum", he has become obsessed with babies from the moment we told them we are having the bub. Hayley on the other hand is quiet about it, she will ask questions every so often and was concerned with how sick I was to begin with, but otherwise all that she has really said is " I hope it's a girl", I am sure once we can feel the kicks outside of my stomach she will be more involved and I just know she wants to help with bub. Charlie will be a little mummy I can see it now - he is so maternal. It is making me more aware of how grown up they both are, I just want to bundle them up so they never grow up and have to deal with the adult world.
It is going to be very different this time round - we kept it quiet for a while due to the fact that we needed to know it was going to stick first....now that's a certainty as I am at 15weeks!!!
We are not finding out the sex....well at the moment its a "we" are not finding out, but I am the weakest link and have good sight for ultrasounds so I may well find out, but I am under strict orders not to tell Matt if I see anything.....therefore nobody else will know if I find out by accident lol. We won't be announcing a name until birth either - which a lot of people do, but I mean nobody knows out names - not even my mum, who I would ordinarily share it with. My mother was not impressed when she found out that piece of news lol.....but fairly sure she should be over it by now. The other difference which is the most obvious difference is that we are doing this without family close - my mum will be here when bub is born and is taking holidays to stay, but that's it....and I am dealing with a regional hospital - which brings me to my next paragraph and my rant against the Bundaberg Base Hospital HATERS!!!
OK so while I think people are justified to have an opinion (sometimes....I do think some people just have an opinion to piss others off and maybe I am one of those people lol) I think the BBH (Bundaberg Base Hospital) haters need to take a hike. I cannot say a bad word about the hospital and I have had experience with about 4 different hospitals - three of them in the city and BBH is well and truly above them in regards to treatment. If you go through my posts in the last 18mths you will see that I have had my fair share of appointments through the hospital for myself and my kids. I am currently classified as having a high risk pregnancy for a couple of reasons - reason one- early onset of gestational diabetes which has seen me on insulin very early - reason two- I have a history of early miscarriage. I have been under exclusive hospital care since week 7 of the pregnancy, I have been to the hospital every week for check ups (mainly for diabetes) and yes it means that I am going to have a long pregnancy with all these appointments, but nobody can fault them on it. I don't intend on staying in hospital for long - if everything is fine - one night and I will be out, cannot be out same day due to monitoring of bub for low sugars, but I won't be in there longer than I need to be, I just don't see the point in it.....the only thing that scares the crap out of me is that I have heard that you are left to labour on ward until you are about 8cms dialated - I don't like this purely because I will feel the lack of privacy being two-bed rooms and all...so fingers crossed there isn't anyone in the bed next to me when I am going through it as I won't go into labour at home so it will be a longish process unless I have a similar round as last time.
General concerns that have come up with being pregnant again apart from the obvious medical ones with me.....it has hit me that it will be 4 1/2 yrs since I have had a newborn - and lets face it that is an eternity - I kind of feel like I am having my first bub again, I vaguely remember how to bath a newborn, I have gotten used to getting a full nights sleep (god help me on this one), we are starting from the start with baby furniture again - so it's remembering what we need?? versus what we want - we don't need as much as we had with the older kids. What can you feed them when they start solids? and more importantly what NOT to feed them lol....I know I remember what my kids ate - but it tends to change every 3mths as to what's good and what isn't.
Hayley and Charlie cannot wait for their baby to arrive - it has taken some convincing for Charlie to finally realise this is not just my baby, but it's his baby too. Now he comes up to me all the time and says "mummy can I cuddle my baby" this is so incredibly cute it nearly brings tears to my eyes. Every night now he comes up and kisses my belly and says "I am kissing my baby good night mum", he has become obsessed with babies from the moment we told them we are having the bub. Hayley on the other hand is quiet about it, she will ask questions every so often and was concerned with how sick I was to begin with, but otherwise all that she has really said is " I hope it's a girl", I am sure once we can feel the kicks outside of my stomach she will be more involved and I just know she wants to help with bub. Charlie will be a little mummy I can see it now - he is so maternal. It is making me more aware of how grown up they both are, I just want to bundle them up so they never grow up and have to deal with the adult world.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
What took us so long to decide on wanting to have another baby?
I can't say that we will have a huge gap between number 2 and number 3 (if it happens for us), but with us facing over a 4 1/2 year + gap it is not an average gap - it is about 18mths more than ideal, but very few people really get a choice in an age gap - and really what is the perfect gap? If you ask my mum she would say 17 -18mths- which is great if you can plan it, but it is almost too close for me. Hayley and Charlie are 27mths apart, well nearly anyway and I love the gap between them, Hayley was well and truly walking, out of the pram most of the time, could have been toilet trained and was 6mths later.....I think it is a great gap now, but when Charlie was a newborn and Hayley was going through "the terrible 2's" it was really hard....Hayley was a delayed talker as well so it made the terrible 2's that much harder. My only main concern about a bigger age gap is that the baby would be a little like an only child with developments as they grow older.......however I am very in touch with friends with babies, so play dates would be frequent. I can't choose the age gap, I have decided that if we are not pregnant by the end of the month though - that will be it - no babies, but if it happens for it, I am hardly going to complain. I have been through heartbreak to get here and our older two will love and protect it regardless.....oh and maybe baby it.
Back to the question and answer - I have obviously had a journey through depression, I found two kids relatively close quite hard to adjust to and give them the attention they needed when I was working and trying to establish a business -money wasn't great either - we then decided on a sea change and at about the same time decided to think about have another baby. I don't go through easy pregnancies - I end up a insulin dependent gestation diabetic-- which in turn means lots of medical appointments to monitor me and bub, it means expense -insulin is not cheap, it means a bigger baby and usually induction at 38weeks. With my first two kids it also meant 18wks of morning sickness.....and YES that would be enough to turn you off having any more for a while. I can handle the gestational diabetes - it does scare me when I am read the statistics of how many women develop type 2 diabetes later in life because of it - but I am trying to fight that with my current weight loss journey.....my kids are also at risk of type 2 which is lifestyle affected. Having a sister with type 1 diabetes means I see how it affects someone to live with the disease 24/7 for life.....I only have to deal with it for 9mths.
Back to the question and answer - I have obviously had a journey through depression, I found two kids relatively close quite hard to adjust to and give them the attention they needed when I was working and trying to establish a business -money wasn't great either - we then decided on a sea change and at about the same time decided to think about have another baby. I don't go through easy pregnancies - I end up a insulin dependent gestation diabetic-- which in turn means lots of medical appointments to monitor me and bub, it means expense -insulin is not cheap, it means a bigger baby and usually induction at 38weeks. With my first two kids it also meant 18wks of morning sickness.....and YES that would be enough to turn you off having any more for a while. I can handle the gestational diabetes - it does scare me when I am read the statistics of how many women develop type 2 diabetes later in life because of it - but I am trying to fight that with my current weight loss journey.....my kids are also at risk of type 2 which is lifestyle affected. Having a sister with type 1 diabetes means I see how it affects someone to live with the disease 24/7 for life.....I only have to deal with it for 9mths.
Monday, March 5, 2012
"...but remember at the end of the day you have two beautiful, healthy kids"
Another phrase I hear far too much in my quest to have baby number three - so what? because I want another child and it is taking a bit of a journey to get there (not my choice) I don't appreciate our kids?? OK here is a snippet for you - yep we are wanting another baby! If you for one minute think that I appreciate my daughter and son any less because of that - YOU ARE WRONG! If anything I appreciate them more and I enjoy them more and I cherish the moments I have with them more.
Apparently because we have a daughter and a son - we shouldn't want another child?? this makes no sense to me at all - since when did the sex of a child factor into it. When I was a little girl - I had a vision of having three kids. After the birth of our son - I had for a while decided -no more, I was struggling with (unknown to me at the time) depression, I was overwhelmed and didn't think I wanted any more children - and the truth is, I couldn't have any more children at the time because I needed to sort my own health out. When I got my "head" sorted and got myself back to me and in control, then I realised our family was incomplete. It has taken 18mths so far with no baby, it means our son turns 4 next month and we will have a larger age gap than first desired. We have a cut off time to conceive and will decide at that time that "it wasn't meant to happen" and we will move onto our next goal - a huge holiday. I am a huge believer in fate - if something is meant to happen it will - I went through an ectopic and miscarriage because I needed to, the universe was testing me and my strength - it was the HUGEST lesson the hardest times, but I came through it. I KNOW I have two perfectly healthy kids, that I love and cherish every day....I don't need you to tell me that like I have forgotten....do you realise how that makes me feel?? Step a day in someone elses shoes to realise. Step into my shoes from the last few years to see the walls that have been put in front of me and I have climbed. Do not for one minute think I don't realise what is in front of me I tear up as it is knowing how quickly they are growing- my baby starts school next year and I can't tell you how much I will miss his personality around the house all day, my little girl will be in year2 next year and she is an incredibly intelligent little girl. Don't ever doubt how much I appreciate my kids.
Apparently because we have a daughter and a son - we shouldn't want another child?? this makes no sense to me at all - since when did the sex of a child factor into it. When I was a little girl - I had a vision of having three kids. After the birth of our son - I had for a while decided -no more, I was struggling with (unknown to me at the time) depression, I was overwhelmed and didn't think I wanted any more children - and the truth is, I couldn't have any more children at the time because I needed to sort my own health out. When I got my "head" sorted and got myself back to me and in control, then I realised our family was incomplete. It has taken 18mths so far with no baby, it means our son turns 4 next month and we will have a larger age gap than first desired. We have a cut off time to conceive and will decide at that time that "it wasn't meant to happen" and we will move onto our next goal - a huge holiday. I am a huge believer in fate - if something is meant to happen it will - I went through an ectopic and miscarriage because I needed to, the universe was testing me and my strength - it was the HUGEST lesson the hardest times, but I came through it. I KNOW I have two perfectly healthy kids, that I love and cherish every day....I don't need you to tell me that like I have forgotten....do you realise how that makes me feel?? Step a day in someone elses shoes to realise. Step into my shoes from the last few years to see the walls that have been put in front of me and I have climbed. Do not for one minute think I don't realise what is in front of me I tear up as it is knowing how quickly they are growing- my baby starts school next year and I can't tell you how much I will miss his personality around the house all day, my little girl will be in year2 next year and she is an incredibly intelligent little girl. Don't ever doubt how much I appreciate my kids.
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