My birth stories- my babies - Old post from old blog

I was thrilled when I found out I was pregnant with our daughter.........this was after the shock and worry.
Shock...I was on the Pill.
Worry....we werent ready we were planning our wedding and bub was due 9months before the wedding what about $$$$??
We also wanted to buy a property beforehand....consequently we are still renting today.
Excitement....after an operation in my teens I had to sign a disclosure for the hospital stating I could have become infertile as a result...so I wasnt sure I could fall pregnant.

So the morning sickness had started at 6weeks. Or should I say All Day Sickness. I was a manager in retail and it was not pretty. I would be sick at least once in the morning and at least once in arvo and night. Anything could trigger it from a scent to eating something to the smell of liquid paper. I was so sick one day that I had burst blood vessels on my eye and around my eyes from the vomiting. I lost 10kgs while pregnant. The sickness didnt stop at 12wks it continued to 18weeks. I would be constantly going home from work.
Excitement brewed in the family Hayley was first grandchild, great grandchild and great great grandchild on my mums side of the family. She was number 14grand child(I think) for Matt's side.
When we found out we were having a girl we were thrilled. I had a few baby girls around me so I had enough clothes to last triplets.
At 28weeks I had the routine Glucose Tolerance Test to check for Gestational Diabetes....I got the all clear. It was at this point becoming very apparent that this was a big baby. my fluid retention was shocking swollen feet and hands very early.
At 32 weeks I had to have another glucose test and this time it was positive. At this point it was impossible to diet control, so I started insulin 2 weeks later.
Due to me being insulin dependant I wasnt to go overdue......but due to christmas new year holidays I was booked in for an induction until 2days overdue. When I rang on the morning to confirm my induction was cancelled due to a staff meeting and bed shortage in the special care nursery where hayley may have to go for monitoring.
So I was finally induced 3days overdue at 9.30pm and 2hours later I was having contractions 3mins apart.
At 12.30 lunchtime the following day (15/01/06) I was ready to start pushing. Everything was fine until Hayley (9pd3oz) came out blue. Matt wasnt able to cut the cord as it was an emergency to get her on oxygen. Most babies are fine after this, however Hayley didnt respond to the equipment and was taken to Intensive Care where she was put on a ventilator for 6days. I was oblivious to how bad it was. I thought they were just going to put her on oxygen and she would be fine. I got to hold her for a minute before they took her away.....no feeding no nothing. Matt didnt get his first cuddle at this point.
We had to wait a couple of hours before we could see her in Intensive care. They had to sedate her hook all the antibiotic/drug lines through her cord piece on her bellybutton and put the ventilator tube down her throat to inflate her lungs. I thought I was strong. But it tore my heart out to see our girl hooked up.....I couldnt touch her as her heart rate would plummit if we touched her....apparently when newborns are sick they can't handle being touched.
She was critical the first night and started to pick up from there. She amazed doctors in 24hours her lungs went from a mess on the Xray to 100% better the following day.
We just sat with her until day 5 when they turned the sedation drug dose down and I could finally see her move and hold her hand. Day 6 saw her ventilator removed and I could hear her cry. I have never been so pleased to hear a baby cry. The weight started to lift off my chest. I could finally cuddle her although she still had some tubes. I could also start trying to breastfeed. It is much harder when you didnt get that skin to skin contact after birth.

Day 6 also saw matt get his first cuddle. It was so precious, she stared at him for what seemed like forever. She knew who her daddy was.
From here she went into special care and on day 11 home. At this point we still don't know exactly what caused her to be so sick. Part of it may have been that she swallowed on the way out. but it was suspected she had pneumonia. She has barely been sick since. Our blessing.


Charlie was a much easier time, although my sugars spiked at 7wks. I was on insulin at 22wks and despite having a little extra fluid I didnt have near the amount of sickness although I was still ill. The nausea was more of a night time with the physical sickness limited to a few nights a week.
I was induced 2weeks early to prevent any issues with size and danger at birth. I had been having contractions all day and was told at 7pm that I was lucky to be 1cm dialated. The obstetrician was in the process of talking me into a Csection at this stage - he was worried about Charlie's size although I had told him I had Hayley naturally and could feel this baby was smaller. I agreed to the CSection as I was so tired and had had enough so I prepared to go into surgery.
Just as I got up to have a shower and prep I felt pressure (the feeling of needing to go to the toilet). The midwife suspected I was ready to go.....and whisked me into birthing suite.
I had dialated 9cm in an hour and was ready to push.
My waters hadnt broken and they didnt want to break them due to the risk of the cord being wrapped around his head. So I started pushing in tremendous pain I had no drugs as there was no time, although my husband wasn't coping seeing me in so much pain and was asking them to give me an epi. Of course by the time the anesthetist would of arrived it would of been too late. At 8:24pm Charlie was born a healthy 8pd 10oz. We got to cuddle and bond no issues with him, he was so content. I got to shower and walk back to ward with no effects of drugs, just high on adrenalin....I didn't sleep until 3am. The positive of drug free is you get this natural high, you don't feel groggy from the drugs at all it is a great feeling.....plus side of having drugs is you don't feel that terrible pain of the head crowning....but when I had the epi. with Hayley I couldn't feel one of my legs for 12hours and I was physically sick.

My biggest struggle since D.

So as you would of read in "the D word" I have had a struggle with Depression, I am pleased to say it is not so much of a struggle anymore, but rather a niggle. It is still hiding in there and tries to take advantage of me during hard times - it does sneak up on me occasionally, but I am the one controlling IT now rather than the other way around. I have had a couple triggers, but have learnt how to get myself out of the hole before it buries me. I can't urge people enough - don't rely on Anti - depressants alone, you must learn techniques to overcome it - a psychologist is the best way to start.

So this is about my biggest test - begining of Feb. this year I found out I was pregnant, while shocked I was thrilled. I didn't tell many people to begin with as I was still getting my head around it and was waiting on a blood test. The HCG levels showed that I was between 1 and 3wks which didn't make a huge amount of sense, as my dates showed about 5weeks. But with blood test confirmation, the doctor gave me a referral to book an ultrasound in March. 3days after getting the results I picked our daughter up from school and with the weather being so hot - we bought Ice creams from the shop for afternoon treat....within  a few hours I was in agony and started to bleed.

My husband  took me to the ER. I was given some hope with stories of early bleeds not always being negative, but I knew deep down it wasn't sticking and although I had miscarried before, this was incredibly painful. I was referred to a Early Pregnancy clinic -designed for women with problems in early pregnancy. I wasn't given a D&C because it wasn't confirmed that it was a miscarriage, but also being so early in the pregnancy they try and let the body take it's course and release it, itself-  this is what happened with my first miscarriage.

So the advice was to have a blood test every three days to ensure my HCG levels lowered and they did, but very slowly - in fact too slow and during the following 5 weeks I was having random cramping attacks  - cramps so bad I could barely move, however nurofen was helping and I was told by the hospital they are normal and that it just appeared that the miscarriage was taking it's time. At the 5week mark I received my phone call from the clinic during another attack of pain, this time the suggestion was that I go into clinic the following week and that it would be considered to take me into theatre and find out what was wrong. This day however nurofen wasn't working and the pain was getting much worse.

I made arrangements for the kids to be looked after as I was suspecting that this was an ectopic pregnancy and after 6 long hours in emergency - involving full ultrasounds, multiple doses of morphine and blood tests they admitted me to hospital. Still no confirmation of ectopic, but they had their suspicions - if I was still in pain the next morning it was likely to be ectopic, but if the pain subsided they would send me home with thoughts that it was a burst cyst.

After a restless night's sleep on maternity ward I was greeted by a group of 5 doctors all eager to see an ultrasound - so after an internal ultrasound - seeing fluid in my abdomen the asked if my pain had subsided - when in reality yes it had, I told them the pain was still there. I did this as I knew if I went home the pain would come back and I would be back at square one. I was booked into theatre for 10.30am for laproscopic surgery not knowing what was going to happen, but I had been given all of the options of what could happen.

When I returned to the ward mid afternoon I was told the doctor would see me and tell me what happened. I was in a lot of pain, but was up and walking within half hour of returning to ward. the longest night of my life. I asked a nurse when a doctor would come in and she told me I would of been told already - I just wouldn't have remembered due to the drugs.....did they think I was stupid???? like I would forget being told what had happened and not to mention the photos of the surgery they showed me - they are still clearly in my mind. I didn't see the doctor until 9.30am  the next morning to find out I had part of my tube removed due to an ectopic pregnancy and when I saw the photos I cried - it had finally hit me what had happened and what I had lost. 
It turns out if I had of gone home the day before I would of been faced with a perforated tube due to an ectopic and then it would have been a mission to save my life rather than just trying save my tube - just as well I am in tune with my body.

It is an experience which shook me, I had no family in Bundy with me, I felt very isolated and realised the genuine friendships I had already made. People from the school offering to help bring my daughter home, friends offering to help look after my son. I will never forget the generosity. I had a few days of feeling desperately alone, I really had a feeling that people who should of cared - didn't. I felt like we were brushed to the side by people I thought would be there to help and support us. We had only been in Bundy for  3months so Matt didn't have any leave to take time off to help me he was back at work the day after I came home people close to us knew this, but I barely had a phone call, not let alone an offer of a visit....knowing full well if roles were reversed I would of been there in a heartbeat.

I had to move forward, I knew this but-ectopic or not - I still lost something a little being (whether it was viable or not). Yes I know "it wasn't meant to be" and "things happen for a reason" (if one more person said this to me I was going to hit the roof), but I still had to deal with this loss I still had to mourn it....and I started to feel that nobody cared, because nobody understood, but nobody really wanted to hear it, apart from a couple of friends I had just met and I didn't want to burden them....but when I did vent to them they were all ears and I am so grateful for it.  I had 4 weeks of doing nothing as I couldn't do major amount of housework - I pushed it a couple of times and paid for it for 2days with cramping, but I had two kids that needed their mummy and a husband that was working full time to support us and needed support in return.

I am now sitting here in tears-  this has been so important for me to get out - therapy wise, but still very hard. I had a few dark days during recovery as I didn't have a lot to keep me busy and quiet time makes the mind wander.
I have a couple of friends now due to have their bubs about the time I would of been due should it had been viable - I am over the moon and ecstatic for them, but have that little piece in the back of my mind and heart.
Which brings up the question- do we try for another bub or not? 

OMG has it been THAT long since I last posted.

Wow what a whirlwind 6months it has been since we moved up here and 12mths since my last post!

We are now in Coral Cove and love it.

We found a lovely home big enough for us and our occasional visitors, I am walking distance to the beautiful coastline and just a short drive to my daughter's school. The lifestyle is so relaxed, we are so much more relaxed and in turn our kids love it. They love having mummy home every day and love being able to visit the beach as much as they want (well maybe not as much as "they" want, but certainly much more than previously).

To top it off I have lost 14kgs since moving here so yes I think this sea change is certainly agreeing with us. I think too in terms of my mental state - my head is clearer than it has been in forever.

I love living out of town, although town isn't the hustle and bustle of a major city, it is nice to be out amongst the farms and away from the temptations. The kids are learning all about where their food actually comes from - and no it doesn't all just come from a shop much to their surprise.

Our daughter attends a fantastic local school with only 70kids, so it is perfect for her as she is quiet and I could see her getting lost in a big school. She and I have made some great friends through the school. With the school (not sure how this happened) I ended up with the position of President of the P&C committee- which is proving to be invaluable with learning about how the school runs, but our daughter loves having me about helping and I get to know other parents.

Our daughter now attends swimming lessons and we have our son in kindy so he has other kids to play with, but the school also runs a playgroup once a week so our son gets to know other kids he will attend school with in 18mths. 

Life hasn't been all peachy since we moved - we ran a tight budget to move and the dodgy removalist we hired (yes I did my research, but it is very hard when you have no recommendations) decided to charge us an extra $400 after the truck was packed. I was irate to say the least as he had quoted us for the job, not the size of the load - this caused one mega headache they also kindly informed me that instead of a same day move, that they would not be in Bundy until the following day - this would of been fine if Matt wasn't already in Bundy sleeping on the floor with an air mattress that had a hole in it. No refrigeration. So he was less than impressed - he also couldn't argue the point as the guy had all out stuff in his truck and showed up with  5 guys to unload - not dodgy at all. Live and learn with this one.
Unfortunately I have had a few experiences with the ER. Two weeks after moving in I ended up in an ambulance - Gastro so bad that I had become disorientated and my blood pressure was so low the ambo guys had no idea how I was walking. I spent 13 hours in ER that day until my  blood pressure stabilised and I could keep fluids and food down. the next experiences need a separate blog, but I have had my share of tests in the last few months.

Sadly I have haven't had as much time to scrap as I would  like. Between trying to get Sweet B. Photography up and running up here, P&C commitments, visiting the beach, visiting friends and general running of the household, been very busy.

Thanks for reading, please leave me some love!

Big Decisions......time for a change.

We have been struggling with a want for change for a couple of years.
2 years ago my husband asked "have you ever felt like we dont belong here in the city?'
The ironic thing was - I had been thinking the same thing for months. We pushed this aside as we had a newborn with colic and I really needed to be near family.
Now we find ourselves in a position of our daughter starting school next year and looking at how expensive our nearest public school is. We dont really have an option of school as living in a city means "catchment zones" which means if you dont live in the catchment you cant send your child to that school - you send them to your closest. Fortunately our closest is a fantastic school, but it is costly. I work 3days a week with my job and have my photography business on the side.....and the kids are in kindy twice a week. I travel into the city for my job and hubby drives 30mins away - my parents live in between and we rely a lot on them with looking after kids while I work and I really HATE that I have to rely on them sooo heavily. I am a very independent person and it is one of my best and worst traits.
So we have decided to get out of the city. The first areas we considered were Toowoomba, Tweed, Hervey Bay, Bundaberg, Gladstone and in between lol. Our thoughts at the moment are Hervey Bay. We love the coast and its affordable and growing....and not toooo far away for weekend visits back to brissy. A lot of people think this is a snap decision - but to be honest its something we have thought about for years, just havent been in a position to act on it. Now that Hayley is starting school next year we want to go before that.....I am scared with nerves and yet excited. I will be able to focus on my business and spend more time with the kids, we will be able to spend more time as a family together.....and hopefully finally be happy. I have a billion things running through my mind. At the moment of the final decision to DO IT I was also relieved - like a weight had been lifted. There is a great possibility we will now be able to buy our own home - which is just not going to happen in Brisbane at the moment. We will now need to find a house big enough to accomodate family and friends for visits - whale watching anyone??
I am also hoping to get more scrapbooking done. lol.
We have  a very busy 5months ahead of us preparing and saving for a move. Ultimately where we go will depend on where matt can get a job as well. Although I will miss my family to begin with - with technology now, we wont be far apart at all.

the D word.

The hardest thing to admit is "I'm struggling." and by the time I usually do I am falling into a downward spiral. The feeling of drowing into a darkness or the feeling of being stuck in a hole with no way of getting out. Reads like a horror story. It felt like a horror story.............I was having a melt down and despite the fact that I had all the support in the world to call on, I felt more alone than I ever had. The one person I would usually call, was away and the last thing I wanted to do was worry her.
 I am hoping by sharing this very real journey that I can help some people close to me to have some understanding of what I am going through and how I am coping. I also hope that anyone that relates to any of these feelings gets some help.......see your GP.

My first experience with depression was after my son was born in April 2008.  By 6 weeks he had colic and would scream from 11pm to 2.30am and would wake again at 5am. I became very sleep deprived. My daughter gave up her day sleeps just before he was born, so a sleep during the day wasnt an option. She was a typical terrible 2 year old and would get into anything and everything at times and she knew when I was tired or when I was tied down. JI would have incredible mood swings and when I think about it now, I wonder what must have gone through my daughter's mind. I had the support of people around me, but I didn't want to ask for help and I didnt want people to think I wasnt coping.
 I had borderline PND, but when I did see a GP about this, I felt like I was dismissed and therefore my thought processes went with "you are overreacting and there is nothing wrong" and "just deal with it, you should be coping better". I would beat myself up on a daily basis. I had no want to do anything and would stay at home every day. I never got help as I was dismissed to begin with. My son got beyond colic by three months old and I started sleeping, however I didnt seem to feel any better in myself.
In October 08 I went to the GP again as I was starting to get physically ill constantly. My immune system wasn't coping and I had stomach problems. The GP did a lot of tests to find nothing wrong. Not once was I asked or screened for depression. I didnt see a GP for many months after that, unless I was really sick. I just felt like they would never find out what was causing me to be sick all the time.
My husband would go to work and wonder what mood he was going to walk into when he came home. In 2009 we had a tough year for a multitude of reasons and I ended up with bronchitis in July that didnt clear until Jan 2010.
Eventually my husband told me to go and see the doctor as there had to be something wrong.
When I walked into the GP (a different medical centre) in December, I sat down and listed the symptons, the minute I mentioned "mood swings" he wanted to see me again asap to organise a referral to be tested for depression.
I walked out of there in shock..........how on earth could he think I have depression???? But then how could he not. I had just been trying to fight it for so long that I forgot who I was and had changed without even realising.
I have a long way to go yet and have only just started my journey of getting through this...but I am learning more about me in the process and  I am learning how to move forward. I have had so many things happen to trigger this. I have clinical depression with anxiety. I have only just accepted this, I lived in denial even after diagnosis. I even thought that I would get over it over night........and I now more than ever realise that isnt going to happen, but I am getting better and becoming a better person every day.
For anyone that hasn't had depression it is impossible to define. And the best way to describe it is "unknown".
Nearly 2 weeks ago I had a meltdown. One part of me wanted to pack up and run away and another part of me wanted to curl up and go to sleep and make it all go away. "all" is just my emotions. It is so draining, not having any control over how you feel or how you react. All I did was over react............I would go from a crying mess to screaming and yelling to quiet and subdued. This particular day, I felt like I was drowning, I felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel and I was terrified. I was more terrified at having no control. I am the type of person that was in full control, I tried to be positive and I couldnt find a positive light at all. A week befor this insomnia had started, I could lay awake til 3am and then have to be up early......the breaking point was 3hours over three days when I went away. I met a new found friend who related to me, you have no idea how much this has helped me. Our conversation was therapy for me. I just wish we lived closer.
I have incredible family support and I do thank those that called. I am not the person to call and I dont like asking for help and tend to try and help myself even when I need help. I am learning to ask.
I am learning some fabulous techniques to help me through the downward spirals and to this point they are helping me prevent them.
If you are relating to these feelings and havent seeked help do it. If you have a friend or family member with Depression, be there for them. I am learning more lately that there are a lot of people dealing with Depression and everybody is different.
For me, I dont have a problem getting up in the morning. BUT I dont know how I am going to feel, I do try to start out positive, but there could be one little thing that could happen and will throw me out. I could have an anxiety attack or just throw negative thoughts. I am starting to recognise these and getting on top of them before they get on top of me, but there are time they still sneek through.

Stand by for more posts.
thank you for trying to understand.

Bit about me and my journey.

Welcome,
I am a married mother to two fabulous kids. My daughter is 4 and my son is nearly 2. I have everything to be thankful for a wonderful supportive husband who works very hard and I have two healthy happy kids. I work part time myself in a service role, that can be demanding at times. I love the job for the people I work for and the people I work with,  I also love that when I walk out the door the workday is finished and I am not worrying about it at home.
I have also taken the first step towards my dream of having my own business...........my photography business. Photography has always been a passion from my first camera when I was very young. I have always had a great amount of admiration for photography and find so much inspiration on the world wide web. I love to capture the little things.......little fingers, little feet and little personalities. I love that I can capture precious moments in time and keep them forever. So I have finally been able to begin and the power of word of mouth is finally taking effect for me.

I am also discovering the downfall of trying to be a supermum........and the facades mothers put on to cover their own pain and struggles. I am going through a journey of trying to get a hold of depression..one of the most complex illnesses I know of. I will post a separate post for this, but my whole point of this blog is to try and get some therapy out of writing and hopefully make some people aware of this illness........YES it does exist and yet somehow there is not enough awareness out there. There are some great campaignes for cancer, but left untreated Depression can kill too.

I also want to blog our day to day life.

Thank you for sharing.

Bri.