Do you really know what people are going through behind closed doors???

......Usually not.
So many people are very good at disguising what their life is really like and before I get to far into this post I must point out that I am not having a whinge in this post, but purely pointing out facts.  Anyway as I was saying about people disguising - sure people complain (we all need to vent) about their lives and things that might be going great or on the downer, things that are going really bad....but usually it's a case of slight exaggeration for example if something great or good is happening we may hype it up to being fantastic, which I am guilty of as I try to look at the positives and if that means making something good into something fantastic then I do...but I don't mess with the facts in doing so, I just get excited over little things especially if we have had a run of bad luck. Then you have the people that make bad times the worst times (granted sometimes they are the worst of times, but could be worse really) or on the opposite end - they hide how bad the bad times are because they either don't wish to burden others with it or they simply find positives in the situation and see that the storm will clear eventually. I talk about my bad times, but I only usually describe how bad they are in this blog - to vent. We have had bad times, we haven't had worse than others or maybe any different to others in the grand scheme of things, but we have had times that have tried us and tried our relationship. Losing loved ones have been hard, not having money when we have really needed it have been bad, but we get through it and in the end for us I think it strengthens our relationship.

The last month has been testing, the last year has been testing and the last 6years have been testing in one form or another, but in 6years we have gotten married, had two wonderful kids and have another on the way, we have made some huge changes including packing everything up and moving away from our family that have only had positives come out of it.

So all of this came from somebody making a comment on Facebook about a comment I made, I don't know this person but it's funny how we judge or how this person judged - and I wonder if she spent week with me whether her view would change - or is she one of these people that has their head up their arse and doesn't ever want to see the view from the other side. I don't know her, I can't judge her, but the judgement was quickly made on others from her part.

As I said from the beginning this is not a "poor me" post, we are in the place we are today because of the decisions we made yesterday and the days before that. I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason and I most certainly wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for the experiences I have been through and I wouldn't have the great things in my life if I hadn't taken the direction I have.....so with all the negative there are far more positives in life and although a few extra dollars would help sometimes, I think we appreciate things more when we have to live without those dollars for a bit.

So what's a week like in my world??  The week starts with a day at home, tuesdays are spent taking our son to playgroup at the school so he can play with his friends and I can catch up on P&C bits and pieces if there are any and catching up with the mums usually followed by a hospital appointment which takes at least 2hours out of my day, Wednesday Charlie is at Kindy and usually it is my day to catch up on housework - washing, cleaning, working (yep I work from home), and setting up a budget for the following week - mainly doing up a shopping list to our tight budget and working out what bills can be paid this week and what can wait til next week, Thursday is errand day - I can go to town, put fuel in the car, get groceries done and anything else that NEEDS to be done whilst in town - this is if there is nothing I am helping with at the school, Friday is play date time or home day - I work from home so every day or night I am doing emails of some sort and it includes weekends, plus with our P&C being busy this year we have events a lot so also helping with that....on top of these I am 16wks pregnant and this is the first week I have had the energy to not fall asleep in the afternoon due to being so sick with morning sickness, then a cold and ear infection and just general pregnancy tiredness.  My days are pretty packed and now that I look at this I know why I can't find the time to spend catching up with friends like I would like.

What is life like?? before I answer I must say I am actually happy - this same life a few years ago would have had a breakdown as this would have triggered major anxiety attacks for me and depression break downs. I am so incredibly strong now compared to then and I feel in control so I don't feel this could get to me. So what life is like - it's financially a struggle at the moment - you don't expect your hubby to lose his job when you thought everything was stable.....and to know it was a personal reason it cuts a bit more. We were just starting to make ends meet and catch up after the change to this job (on a commission job - when jobs change it takes a while to recover from it). So we have gone from potentially 2 weeks from being up to date and possibly be able to put money away to nothing and a husband out of work. EEK! So we have been going backwards and it will take a bit to catch up again - this means tiny grocery budget - which we can live with, but with the demands of a gestational diabetes diet where it can be tricky then yes it can be hard to get within that budget and still have the food I need for the week. I meal plan quite easily, so it's not hard to scrape through most of the time - it's the week (like this week) where I have to buy insulin which will cost about $60 which might hurt a bit...lol. We don't buy new clothes, I can't remember the last time I bought a new piece of clothing for myself - oh wait I do remember - it was a pair of jeans on clearance in December for $10 at Target - did I mention I have lost over 12kgs so I have needed to buy clothes, but have managed to pick up a few things from the op shops which are more than suitable and nobody knows or cares where my clothes are from - the kids stuff, I have bought new - $2 stand at clearance stands when I see them and if I have the money. I don't care anymore that I can't buy stuff all the time, I have gotten used to not being able to - I stay away from the shops so I don't have the desires and I have grown to become very anti -materialistic in so many ways - it is clutter. We have clothes that fit - I was most days so we have clothes to wear we don't need a ton of clothes. The kids are getting less toys - they simply prefer to play outside and don't play with what they have a lot, so we don't buy them much - we tend to buy them practical items like crafts, learning activities they like and stuff to take camping or to the beach. I have had to put more money into fuel due to extra trips to the hospital now...but the things we NEED to do get done, the stuff that we don't need gets pushed to the side. The tight financial situation means I make excuses not to go to places and miss out on things because we can't afford it and it can be embarrassing - but I know others are in the same position. I would love to be with family this weekend, but a trip to Brisbane is out of the question, so I will miss out on seeing my grandmother whom I haven't seen for nearly 2years...(ok so now I have tears). We make sacrifices, but we keep the roof over our head and we get three meals a day and clothes on our backs - a lot more than others out there.

The part that has me feeling guilty at times is when the kids miss out on stuff.....like going to the show - something I used to do every year as a kid and have a ball - this year we can't afford to and last year we couldn't due to me being sick - I feel that the roof over our heads comes first in rent needs to paid and fuel in the cars and some bills paid - there isn't much left at all and certainly not enough to take them to the show which guts me a bit. We do have a fair at the school in July where I hope to make it up to them a bit. When they were younger it wouldn't had bothered them - but when you have a 6year old that goes to school and friends talk about going to the show, obviously she is feeling like she is missing out. A bit over a month ago the circus came to town and she really wanted to go - but $125 a family was a huge cost for an outing and we didn't have the funds. On mothers day we went to a local park and they had rides for the kids- of course the kids pestered and wanted to go on, I didn't have cash on me and the sad part is, I couldn't have gone and withdrawn cash if I wanted to with fear of not knowing if we would make it through the week. This is my reality - you can judge all you like now you know where I live at this very moment, but if you knew why we were here you might not judge so much....but I can't go into that right now. The beauty is that we have a light at the end of our tunnel and it's almost close enough to touch. A big debt is about to be clear and will leave us with money in the bank at the end of the week and the ability to breath just a little and focus on getting ahead with everything else.  I know there are so many people that are in the same boat as us - it is a reality, but there are many worse off than us...our kids are healthy, we are healthy, we have a bub on the way and we have a roof over our heads and food on the table every night - even if a few nights it is spaghetti and baked beans - who cares?? we are fed and it doesn't make me less of a person - I still have very good close friends and I still have ME and a strong relationship with my husband. I really can't ask for anything else. It is an inconvenience, but we will get through it.

This is why I get frustrated with people who cry poor and go and buy a car the following week, or buy their kids all brand new laptops then cry because they can't afford their mortgage payment for the week because they just spent $3000 on xmas presents.  

It's official - Baby number 3 is a reality.

Very very excited household here as we countdown to the arrival of our newest addition. At this point bub will be born around October 24th - but is due November 7th. 38week induction thanks to the early arrival of Gestational diabetes again - although it is throwing up some theories for the Endocrinologist that has a file for me at Royal Brisbane Women's Hospital......that's a whole other story....so back to the baby.

It is going to be very different this time round - we kept it quiet for a while due to the fact that we needed to know it was going to stick first....now that's a certainty as I am at 15weeks!!!
We are not finding out the sex....well at the moment its a "we" are not finding out, but I am the weakest link and have good sight for ultrasounds so I may well find out, but I am under strict orders not to tell Matt if I see anything.....therefore nobody else will know if I find out by accident lol. We won't be announcing a name until birth either - which a lot of people do, but I mean nobody knows out names - not even my mum, who I would ordinarily share it with. My mother was not impressed when she found out that piece of news lol.....but fairly sure she should be over it by now. The other difference which is the most obvious difference is that we are doing this without family close - my mum will be here when bub is born and is taking holidays to stay, but that's it....and I am dealing with a regional hospital - which brings me to my next paragraph and my rant against the Bundaberg Base Hospital HATERS!!!

OK so while I think people are justified to have an opinion (sometimes....I do think some people just have an opinion to piss others off and maybe I am one of those people lol) I think the BBH (Bundaberg Base Hospital) haters need to take a hike. I cannot say a bad word about the hospital and I have had experience with about 4 different hospitals - three of them in the city and BBH is well and truly above them in regards to treatment. If you go through my posts in the last 18mths you will see that I have had my fair share of appointments through the hospital for myself and my kids. I am currently classified as having a high risk pregnancy for a couple of reasons - reason one- early onset of gestational diabetes which has seen me on insulin very early - reason two- I have a history of early miscarriage. I have been under exclusive hospital care since week 7 of the pregnancy, I have been to the hospital every week for check ups (mainly for diabetes) and yes it means that I am going to have a long pregnancy with all these appointments, but nobody can fault them on it. I don't intend on staying in hospital for long - if everything is fine - one night and I will be out, cannot be out same day due to monitoring of bub for low sugars, but I won't be in there longer than I need to be, I just don't see the point in it.....the only thing that scares the crap out of me is that I have heard that you are left to labour on ward until you are about 8cms dialated - I don't like this purely because I will feel the lack of privacy being two-bed rooms and all...so fingers crossed there isn't anyone in the bed next to me when I am going through it as I won't go into labour at home so it will be a longish process unless I have a similar round as last time. 

General concerns that have come up with being pregnant again apart from the obvious medical ones with me.....it has hit me that it will be 4 1/2 yrs since I have had a newborn - and lets face it that is an eternity - I kind of feel like I am having my first bub again, I vaguely remember how to bath a newborn, I have gotten used to getting a full nights sleep (god help me on this one), we are starting from the start with baby furniture again - so it's remembering what we need?? versus what we want - we don't need as much as we had with the older kids. What can you feed them when they start solids? and more importantly what NOT to feed them lol....I know I remember what my kids ate - but it tends to change every 3mths as to what's good and what isn't.

Hayley and Charlie cannot wait for their baby to arrive - it has taken some convincing for Charlie to finally realise this is not just my baby, but it's his baby too. Now he comes up to me all the time and says "mummy can I cuddle my baby" this is so incredibly cute it nearly brings tears to my eyes. Every night now he comes up and kisses my belly and says "I am kissing my baby good night mum", he has become obsessed with babies from the moment we told them we are having the bub. Hayley on the other hand is quiet about it, she will ask questions every so often and was concerned with how sick I was to begin with, but otherwise all that she has really said is " I hope it's a girl", I am sure once we can feel the kicks outside of my stomach she will be more involved and I just know she wants to help with bub. Charlie will be a little mummy I can see it now - he is so maternal. It is making me more aware of how grown up they both are, I just want to bundle them up so they never grow up and have to deal with the adult world.